I am who I am …

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I had a very deep conversation with one of my longstanding friends tonight … albeit online rather than face to face or on the phone.

We have been friends for many, many years and have seen each other through huge successes and huge failures.   Our lives have changed many times over the years but what has remained constant is our friendship.

It got me thinking …

Looking back on my life I can see the bits of me that have changed and developed over the years.  It has not been a conscious decision to change, it has just happened.    Perhaps with a little help from hindsight and the odd mistake or two.

What I wanted when I was younger, is not what a I want now.    Making lots of money, or climbing into someone’s bed just does not appeal to me now.   Hell, I’ve made loads of money, lost it and survived.   The same with women …  it all adds up to phases in our lives.

There have been times when I have felt I could rule the world (and I wanted to!), and there have been others where I have wanted to run away and curl up into a small ball and let things pass me by.

There are times when I should have spoken out .. and there are times when I should have kept my mouth shut (I’m not very good at that!) …

I can’t say I have become wiser … what is wisdom anyway .. apart from a series of lessons learned .. but I have become more honest .. and discovered that not everyone likes that.

I have learned that no matter how much you think you can trust someone, the only person you can .. is yourself.

I have also been lucky enough to hit complete rock bottom … I know this is a strange thing to say .. especially as at the time it was the darkest place I have ever experienced … nothing made sense … nothing made me happy … I functioned, I didn’t live.

That probably taught me the best lesson of all … who stood by me .. and who didn’t … who could handle me at my worst.. and who couldn’t …

All of it.. the highs and the lows .. have brought me to who I am today … and I am very comfortable and happy with that … my life has completely changed… I have had to make sacrifices but I have done it … I have come through the other side … I have found peace, I have found contentment.. not through finding god  (I am not religious!).. but through finding me and what I need.

 

 

 

 

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The path of life

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I am well traveled on the path of life.

I have taken many a wrong turn or ended up at a dead end, but I have always thought I knew where I was heading and, even if it has taken me a long time, I have found my way back to the path I thought I should be on.

It has taken me a long, long time to realise that the path I thought I should be on, is one that was never going to make me feel fulfilled or happy.

Looking back last year I was lucky to find myself in a situation (not through choice!) where I had to decide whether to keep on the same path or take the decision to be happy and follow the path that was in my heart, instead of in my head.

My goal in life is not to be rich or successful, I just want to be happy.  I am so lucky in many ways, I have peace in my head and my heart and wonderful people who will be with me as I travel along this new path.

This time I will take time to stop and look around me and appreciate all of what I have … 

I will stop thinking about the “what if’s” … and just accept what is.    

And I will love without fear.

This is my path.

 

 

Grrrrrrrrr ……

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I woke this morning in a very good mood … I slept well, I felt happy, chilled, smiley … all the nice things … I was so cocky I even posted on facebook that I was feeling smiley and refused to stop smiling all day.

Sometimes you can be too cocky .. today I was.

Within the space of 5 minutes Jilly came in and looks as if she has a swollen face .. I have had a quick (very quick because she was trying to murder me!) feel of her face and can’t make my mind up if it is swollen or if it just her hair .. now she won’t let me near her.

Then my brother came up to read my electric meter for me (it’s too high for me to read even if I stand on my steps) … I put the numbers in online and my electricity bill comes to £397! … I have a little money put aside but was planning to buy new tyres for the car (they are close to the legal limit)… looks like they will have to wait …  and I really hope Jilly’s face is just her hair ….

I also still have this carry on with HMRC hanging over me …. that is annoying … but hopefully sorted out soon ….

I knew that my social life was going to have to go on hold when I set up the business ..and I am happy to sacrifice that and I certainly cannot afford to date anyone.. but … I am doing something I really love and I know I am getting busier .. but today I am looking at my bills and thinking “Grrrrrrrrrr” …..

 

At the end of the day ….

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It does not matter who we try to be, or what we try to make work.

At the end of the day the best person we can be is ourself.    

Not worrying about other people’s views or expectations of us.

Live your life, dress how you want, love who you want.

Just make sure whatever you do is what makes you happy

And whoever you are makes you proud.

Why worry..

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Last week was a mixed bag of emotions for me .. I had a great time with my best friend in Croydon getting very, very drunk and met up with other friends in London for a day of frivolity and Margaritas (fab!).

I arrived back in Scotland on Monday chilled out, happy, relaxed .. unfortunately that didn’t last long .. by Wednesday afternoon I felt like escaping … but the week did improve.

I have a situation at the moment that is making me smile .. it is a very unexpected situation and one with many complications.  I have been worrying quite a bit about it .. whether I was doing the right thing .. whether I was being fair but at the end of the day it is something that makes me smile.

I haven’t had something that made me smile like this for a while, so it is lovely .. whether circumstances allow anything else to come of it I don’t know .. but at the moment it is lovely .. Im smiling and I am not going to worry about it.

I think that sometimes people (including me at times!) can overthink things .. I am now going to simply refuse to do this .. it is what it is .. and I like it.. why worry about it.. that only adds to the complications!

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