March | 2014 | Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Pandora’s box

March 30, 2014

Brae regular action, pandoras box, reaction Leave a comment

I had a conversation on line with some friends today about guilt .. and how we deal with it or let it paralyses us. We then discussed consequences and what we would do if we could do anything we liked … this got me thinking … I know what I would want to do … but, as a friend pointed out, ever action has a reaction.

I have opened many a Pandora’s box in my time … I cared not a jot for consequences but in time, and maturity (ok maybe I was a bit slow on that point!) … but you learn the lesson eventually.

The thing is with the unknown is that you never quite know if it is going to be everything you dream of .. or everything you fear.

The Japanese have a saying that everyone has three faces .. the face we show to the world, the face we should to those close to us and the face we show to no-one but ourselves. In a way it our own internal Pandora’s box … that is directly linked to our actions and the consequences that they bring.

Friendships that last

March 21, 2014

Brae regular friendship, love, Leave a comment

I have just spent a few days with a couple of old pals of mine who, after 15 years of asking, eventually managed to drag themselves up to Scotland.

They managed to chill out and relax (they run a pub in Chester and are always working!) and I thoroughly enjoyed their company and the laughs! (not to mention the wine and the vodka!).

Friendship is a funny thing … some of the people who you think will be in your life forever slide away… some slowly, some suddenly and sometimes we beat ourselves up about it. I know I used to.

Time and age teach you great things … more about yourself than other people, as we all grow and change at different times.

I am very, very lucky with the friends that I have in my life… and I know it. They make my life richer and more beautiful and of course much, much more fun!

There will always be fairweather friends who come and go in your life, that is just the way it is. However there will be others who will be friends and in your life for a long time, you won’t have to spend all your free time with them, you may only see them now and again but you know in your heart that they would do for you what you would do for them.

These friendships have meaning, they are based on trust and loyalty and a maturity that sadly evades some.

These are the friends that I love … thank you …

When I look in your eyes

March 14, 2014

Brae regular Leave a comment

When I look into your eyes I see a reflection of me,

A broken soul that fought the dark to find the light again.

A heart that trusts too much and forgives when it is not always deserved

just to keep the light you have found.

I know your mask, I’ve worn it too

And I want to help you see the soul that I can see in you

The woman who cried

March 10, 2014

Brae regular cry, light, past Leave a comment

Photo by Elmo Malik

And in the darkness she cried

For wasted time, for feeling lost

She cried and she cried

until her heart and mind shattered

into a million pieces that would never be fixed

She continued, breathing, moving, existing

Unfeeling, surviving, letting the blackness take it’s toll

Until chinks of light began to filter in

It was time to move, to stand upright

And she lifted her head and sighed.

Enough of the pain, enough of the dark

It was time to let the light wash over her

She took a breath and opened her eyes

And her heart was reborn and her mind renewed

As she lets the light remind her of a new day

She opens the door and steps outside

Letting the sun touch her face and she stops

She looks into the light and feels the wind on her face

She closes her eyes and sighs as a smile touches her lips

The shadows are behind her, she is once more alive.

Travelling through life …

March 9, 2014

Brae regular ego, friendship, love, Leave a comment

As we meander down our paths of fate we experience things that stay with us forever.

Sometimes these things are unexpected .. a view that etches itself into your brain. an experience that changes us or marks us forever, a song that touches us to our soul… or the people we meet on our journey that open up a part of us we never knew existed.

I read a post the other day that said that sometimes in life we meet people on our travels, that will travel with us for the whole journey, some for part of it and others we should leave at the kerb.

I guess I have traveled the majority of my journey through life and yet I still find myself surprised at the attitude of some people… you end up being caught up in someone else’s insecurities, lies, ego and jealousy.

Frankly, I have had enough of this in my past that has left me suspicious and questioning of people’s motives.

I tend to be open, maybe too open and I find that the people who cannot handle my openness are people who have a lot to hide…. or are suspicious of me because I am so open.

I have nothing to hide in my life …. don’t get me wrong … I’m far short of perfect and I have made some horrendous fuck up’s … but I accept that .. I accept a lot about me now that I never understood when I was younger and I’m ok with that. It is done. It has gone.

I am going to continue on my own little merry way … taking the steps and the path I want to take .. I have friends in my life that I love completely .. and they know it … and it will remain that way. They bring joy to my life and make me happy … and I am not prepared to lose that.

I’ve never been to me ….

March 8, 2014

Brae regular feelings, love,, relationships, single 2 Comments

We all live our lives as society deems we should. Some of us try to live our lives honestly, but few of us ever manage to live our life as we truly want to.

Over the years I have lived as I felt I should, but always dreaming of another life, the perfect life… does it exist .. who knows… I live a happy life, one that I am content with .. but it is not all that I wanted.

I wanted to be loved as deeply as I love … not just a shallow love that is all words and sex .. but the true feeling of being loved totally, for all my good .. and my numerous bad points. I seem to end up feeling like a companion or that I am being used … both of these unsettle me and I have to move on.

I have never felt truly loved … I have fantastic friends who I love and I know who love me … but .. I have never felt the comfort of knowing that how I feel is reflected back in what I receive.

I have always said that there are two types of people in this world … the people who are born to be loved and others, like me, who are born to love.

As the years and relationships have passed I have become more and more disheartened with the idea of having to share my life with someone. Not because I don’t want to .. but simply because I find more peace by being on my own than I do when I am a relationship where I feel my feelings are wasted.

I doubt I am the only person who feels like this … maybe I just blurt out what I should keep quiet.. but I like to write from my heart .. from that place deep inside that hides the shadows of our doubts …

It will be interesting to see replies to this …

The path of life

March 3, 2014

Brae regular happy, love,, path of life Leave a comment

I am well traveled on the path of life.

I have taken many a wrong turn or ended up at a dead end, but I have always thought I knew where I was heading and, even if it has taken me a long time, I have found my way back to the path I thought I should be on.

It has taken me a long, long time to realise that the path I thought I should be on, is one that was never going to make me feel fulfilled or happy.

Looking back last year I was lucky to find myself in a situation (not through choice!) where I had to decide whether to keep on the same path or take the decision to be happy and follow the path that was in my heart, instead of in my head.

My goal in life is not to be rich or successful, I just want to be happy. I am so lucky in many ways, I have peace in my head and my heart and wonderful people who will be with me as I travel along this new path.

This time I will take time to stop and look around me and appreciate all of what I have …

I will stop thinking about the “what if’s” … and just accept what is.

And I will love without fear.

This is my path.

Sometimes there is no answer

March 1, 2014

Brae regular Leave a comment

“what is it we have”

“I don’t know…. but I like it”

Whatever it is, it is beautiful.

… and you realise

March 1, 2014

Brae regular letting go Leave a comment

It is never easy letting go.

You confuse yourself with memories of the past and of future dreams.

With forgotten feelings and the pangs of guilt.

Sometimes things are not that awful, they are just not right.

You cannot find peace or comfort, you do not receive what you give out.

You start by trying… trying to hold on, trying to be heard, trying to make things ok.

Sooner or later you realise that you cannot do it by yourself and the sinking feeling in your stomach begins to return when you realise that the end is inevitable.

You begin to feel lonely, and there is nothing worse, than to be with someone who just really does not care and then you feel angry, for wasted time, for wasted words, for wasted feelings… and you pull back.

So far back that you pass the limit of no return.

… and you feel lonely …and you feel guilty or responsible

…..so you try

…… then you realise

……… then you pull back

And sometimes you do this numerous times .. going round and round .. not happy, but trapped, because of your guilt or your feeling of responsibility

Then something happens … the circle breaks …

You realise that you are not lonely, you are independent.

You lose the guilt, you find apathy

and there is spark of something within that tells you that you are right

and you let go

and you start to live.

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Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Pandora’s box

Friendships that last

When I look in your eyes

The woman who cried

Travelling through life …

I’ve never been to me ….

The path of life

Sometimes there is no answer

… and you realise

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