The Mirror

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Brae. A gay woman's tale!

I have been where you have been

I have seen what you have seen

I have walked the path and lost my way

I have cried all night to the break of day

I have lost everything as my world fell apart

I have had blows to my pride and broken heart

I have held on too long and let go too soon

I have sung in the rain and danced with the moon

I have kissed with passion and dreamt in vain

I have taken the hits and smiled through the pain

I have convinced myself that I am right

I have struggled to survive my longest night

I have loved to the full and a fool it made me

I have wore my heart on my sleeve for all to see

I have taken the blows and sometimes I fell

I have picked myself up so no-one could…

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Poetry in the Air

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A beautiful poem by a fellow blogger .. Noora … check her site out at myechoesandreflections.com

Perpetual Fire

Finally in my arms
far away in a dreamland
yet in my deepest reality

my promised land
waiting to be explored
much more beautiful
than any of those dreamy dawns
my yearning heart painted
with poetic words
and shades of purple
when we still dreamed of the sunrise
on separate sides of the ocean
that does not divide
but unites
our islands
in love

On this night of wonders
I lay my lips on yours
just to capture your smile
so that I can carry it with me
to wherever this journey takes us

A peaceful rest drifts over me
and I surrender
under the covers of something
unconditional, eternal, and safe

I have nothing to wish for anymore –

there is poetry in the air tonight.

© Noora (2011)

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You stupid idiot!






Honestly!   Sometimes I shock myself at my stupidity!

I live down a wee country lane and we have just been informed by the council that they will no longer come up the lane to collect our rubbish due to “vibration” in the lorry cab being against health and safety (no .. I am not joking!)

Anyway to cut a long story short, the council have now given me 2 extra bins .. which I have to leave at the entrance to the lane and carry my rubbish up to it … there are 5 houses down this lane .. so that means 15 bins at the end of the lane .. (clever move Fife Council!) …. anyway .. I have rung them today to request a communal one .. but we will have to wait and see what happens.

Ok … back to my stupidity …  I thought I would be really highly organised .. I thought I would buy 3 small bins (in matching colours to the big bins) so I can put my rubbish in them and then just carry them up the lane in my car … great .. brilliant .. lets spend £34 … dinnnngggg

They came today .. and I have just realised I have nowhere to put them .. they are too big for my kitchen … too big for my back hallway … I can’t put them outside as they are too light and will blow away … so basically I have buggered up big time!

I am sitting here with my wee grumpy chicken face on ….

Anyone want 3 bins .. brand new … pffttt!!

Lesbians and Mental Health

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You cannot tell most of the time if the person sitting next to you has Mental health problems.   You cannot  always tell if a friend, lover or relative has Mental health problems unless he or she tells you.

I see things online everyday that makes me think “ah oh” .. there are woman out there now who have problems, some quite severe, that they do not recognise, cannot see.   I am not sure why the issue of mental health in lesbians is so common, but there is definitely a high percentage of women suffering.    It could be to do with environment or guilt or pressure from family not to be “different” .. I have no idea, none of these were my reason for my slip but I do know that some women do suffer from all of these.

Mental health is a huge subject and I am certainly no expert but I am one of the “one in three” who has suffered from mental health issues in the form of depression.

Depression is a funny old thing (no .. really .. it is!) … sometimes it leaps out of nowhere and pins people to the ground immediately, sometimes, as was in my case, it was a long slow stressful fall that happened without me really noticing.

It is very hard to describe what you feel when you are depressed, your brain is foggy, you just want to curl up and sleep all the time and you crave something to make you look forward, anything.. just something that will make you feel something.   The problem being is that you believe this “thing” will make you feel better, you will feel alive .. but it never works out like that.    Life becomes one big mess of nothingness, no excitement, no joy, no feeling, just a routine, a sufferance that has to be endured.

I got to the point where I didn’t care if I lived or died… don’t get me wrong, I didn’t actually WANT to die but I just didn’t care if I did or not.    I lost all respect for me, I felt I was stuck behind a glass screen watching my life but couldn’t touch it… I know this sounds strange and if you have never been depressed you will probably  think this woman is a lunatic!   but I am no lunatic  and I am, most of the time, a joker, a clown and always filled with optimism, I really am the last person I would have marked down as being a victim of depression, but I was.

I am lucky, eventually (with the help of friends and a holiday!) I realised how far from me I had become, I looked in the mirror and seen a face but could not recognise the spirit or the soul inside me … I was empty.

It has been nearly a year now since I was officially diagnosed, I still have the same pressure as before but I know enough to acknowledge that .. to realise that I am NOT responsible for everything in this world and I can let the guilt go.

I decided at the time to “come out” about my problem … I knew one or two of my friends had been in the same situation as me and found it harder as they had not opened up and I am of the character where I think that if I am honest then people can accept me for the truth or not at all.

I was stunned by the reaction I had … in a very positive way … so many people messaged me or emailed me to say that they had been through a similar thing, some, like me were still fighting to find themselves again, some still are.

Sometimes we have to acknowledge our failings and decide to deal with them.    I know I had a couple of stupid comments “keep smiling” or “read a self help book” .. this is not the response you need or want when you open up to someone .. what you need is someone who sometimes will say nothing but just listen, let you pour out what you think and what you feel, which may be very different to what you think or feel tomorrow.

I am glad I went through what I did last year.   In a way it was the best thing for me as it gave me the insight to what is important  in my life and the power of the brain.

I have a friend who is having a very rough time at the moment.  She is where I was and I can see that as her posts are downbeat and depressive, she knows she has a problem but is not yet at the stage where she feels she can do something about it herself.   I would love to pick her up and shake her and say “listen to me.. only YOU can do this” but I know that this will not work .. this is something she has to find from within her and no amount of preaching or advice from me, or anyone else will help.

Looking back now on how I felt last year is quite amazing, again it is like looking through glass to another life, but this time I am happy to stay on this side and have no wish to go back to how I was then.

Coming out the otherside was a bit like a slow lazy wake up…. I began by feeling a bit more settled, more at peace until one day I woke up and I felt happy … I genuinely thought to myself “my gawd, I feel happy” .. and feeling is returning, I do not feel “dead” inside, nothing is as much as an effort, I do not have to “try” to function, I just do.

I was talking to a very close friend the other day and she said “all the beautifully interesting  people have survived depression” … maybe she is right… maybe I’m on my way to be interesting!!  *smile*


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Close your eyes

Just breathe

Clear your mind

Slowly …………….begin to imagine

What do you feel


Let it build

Who do you imagine

With tiny bites

and slow licks

and soft touch


Until you pull tight

.. and tighter

.. and harder





Hello ….

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… wow …

Climbing the last hill …

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Tonight the world is waiting, watching, listening for the news that will inevitably come.

We are about to lose one of the greatest heroes this world has ever produced, a man who fought for what he believed in, for what was right.

Nelson Mandela is a man who carried the injustice of his life forward with pride, not bitterness and a man who stood up to be counted.

Nelson Mandela is about to climb his last hill.   May it lead him to peace and may the memory of his struggle live on.







Today I am 52.5 … a strange thing to say I know … but my birthday is Christmas day and as a kid my mum used to give me a special day in the summer because she felt it was unfair for me to only have one day per year to celebrate.

I haven’t really celebrated my “half” birthday in many a year, but last year I ended up having a barbeque, not for me really, but for an ex who was celebrating her birthday.

It was a bit of a struggle for me.   I tried to enjoy the day as my garden was full of some wonderful and funny women but I felt very out of sorts.  It was nothing to do with any of the people there but rather within me.

I found it very hard that day, I ended up sitting in the summerhouse trying to find some peace but I tried very hard to make myself “mingle” … but I was forcing it, forcing humour, forcing smiles … I was struggling .. I wanted to be happy, but I wasn’t.     It was so much of an effort and I just felt exhausted.     I had also spent some time picking out what I thought was a fabulous birthday present.   I was wrong and I ended up feeling very disappointed, not only because my ex didn’t like it or want it (it was a small Fossil leather bag), but that I had misjudged it so badly.  

This year I am not having a BBQ, instead I will be celebrating the 1st birthday of Fife Inbetweeners (a gay women’s group that I run) … we are having an 80’s party, with 80’s food and a pool competition.    It will be an evening spent with a small number of friends and this year I feel like partying, my humour will not need to be forced and I can enjoy the company for the great friendship it brings.   

Sometimes we cannot see things in life until we look back on them from a very different viewpoint.

This weekend I will smile and celebrate where I am in life … I like it here, everything feels great again!



Gut instinct…



I have learned that I should always listen to my gut instinct.    I often “consider” things .. weigh them up .. and then make a choice based on my decision.   More often than not I am wrong.    In retrospect my gut instinct has always been right … I have merely convinced myself otherwise.

We all have gut instinct … we all “know” things .. that perhaps we do not want to accept. We “know” when a lover is saying the right things.. but actions prove otherwise.  We “know” when a relationship is over .. but we can’t let go.    We “know” when we love, who we love.. but we cannot always let our instinct take over .. instead we reason, or agree with our ego and fear, letting them win over our instinct.

The more at peace I find myself, the more I realise how loudly my gut instinct shouts at times …  I have an ocean of emotional intellgence and instinct inside me,  if I just let myself trust in it a bit more.

I was talking to some friends yesterday about connections we make with other people, true honest connections that are not easy to find, but are pure and honest.    I honestly believe that I was blind to this sort of connection, not deliberately, but because of various other factors in my life that took over my thoughts and concentration.    I forgot how to just “be”  .. how to relax .. how to feel… everything was planned and sorted in my head .. maybe it had to be .. but I realise now that all I had to do was trust my instinct .. it certainly would have lost me a lot of stress!

Instinct is a primal thing.. we felt things long before we could think about them.  Animals have instinct, they need it to survive.  We should remember that … go with what we feel, not what we think.

I am certainly beginning to trust my feelings over my thoughts … and I do not think that is a bad thing at all!


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