A memory came up on my time line on Facebook today… it was a happy occasion, the wedding of my very good friends Zoe and Leanne.
I took their ceremony and by the time the evening guests arrived (including Ros)… I was very drunk! Which is very unusual for me, I rarely drink!
Poor Ros was on driving duty that night… (the ONLY time)… and as you can see, she wasn’t to happy about it! Even less so the next day when I didn’t want to get out of bed!
It’s such a shame that cancer stole her life in November 2022 at only 52 years old. She was the bravest and most caring woman I ever knew… even if she could put me in my place!
I feel deeply and I think deeply. This is both a curse and a blessing.
I sometimes step back from delving deep into my thoughts and feelings, just leaving them lying dormant behind a wall of keeping myself busy so my thoughts and focus are on anyone or anything apart from me.
This is my self preservation. My comfort blanket that stops the hurt and sometimes negative thoughts and doubt from over whelming me.
I know I close down, I know I exist instead of live. I know all this, but still I do it, it’s my way.
Then something simple happens, a conversation with a kindred spirit, who understands what it is like to face deep thoughts… and suddenly my own deep thoughts don’t feel so overwhelming… and all of a sudden I can really think again… and it is not as scary or painful as I thought it would be.
The waves of hurt that used to crash down on me have ebbed… calm shores have returned and I’m so relieved.
Life still has much to offer and although I still doubt I have the emotional strength or will to ever want a partner or a relationship again, I realise that there are still great people out there that can touch my life in a special way and right now, that’s huge!
The last four years have been been life … and death changing.
After the heartache of losing a woman I loved with all my heart due to her lies snd cheating, I was a bit cynical about women and after having a couple of disastrous dates, I decided to give up and just stay single.
The day I went online to cancel subscriptions to a couple of lesbian dating sites, I noticed a message from a woman, who just happened to live locally.
To cut a long story short, we decided to meet for lunch at a local beach side cafe, in Aberdour. Ros had just come out of an abusive relationship and so we both had a lot of hurt and trust issues… but perhaps we recognised that the hurt of our pasts somehow bonded us… and our lunch meet became our first date!
Little did we know then that our journey together was going to be life changing, in more ways than one.
A year into our relationship, Lockdown happened and it was then that we decided that Ros should move in with me.
Just 6 months later, Ros was diagnosed with stage 3 endometrial cancer…. And so began a new journey.
Ros had to undergo a huge operation, that caused additional problems and caused a delay to her chemo and radiotherapy treatment. In the middle of all this her mum passed, and with the exception of just s few of her family, her relatives were downright disgusting. Ros came through this with dignity and strength, that left me in awe of her.
Then my mum became ill and eventually a place had to be found for her in a care home. Thankfully she settled in well and it was one less thing to worry about.
Unfortunately, my arthritis decided to make life even more difficult… and my mobility is now badly effected, leaving me only able to walk short distances with crutches.
Just after this happened, Ros’s cancer returned and this time it was terminal. Ros had asked me numerous times to marry her… I had always said no… but when she was told she was terminal, she gave me no choice and so in August 2022 we married in the hospice gardens. The next few months were a cycle of Ros coming home, being in tremendous pain, or drugged up to such a level that she couldn’t function. It was hard for Ros and hard for me… the emotions switched from sadness through frustration to anger and despair. The medication removed a huge part of reasoning but without it Ros was in agony.
Through all of this I was working full time, running her to appointments or visiting the hospice, all while trying to juggle the dogs and visiting my mum… and I found it tough.. both emotionally and physically. Sometimes I felt I was going to break, I had never found life so tough… then I stepped back and realised how selfish my thoughts were… and that is when the guilt started. I was tired, but Ros was dying. I was frustrated but she was scared… and I couldn’t do anything to fix that.
Ros passed peacefully in November. Myself, her niece Natalie and her gf Laura were by her side for days and nights… Ros didn’t wake for 4 days and when Ros did pass, it was in the middle of laughter… I like to think she could still hear us… and I tell everyone she died laughing, I like to think she did.
This is my photo tribute to the kindest, bravest and sometimes most annoying woman I knew… and loved.
Ros on our wedding day
When we first metOur last wee break away together to Duck Bay, Loch LomondMy friends and Ros’s ashes completing a sponsored walk she planned to doThe scattering of Ros’s ashes
Friends with Benefits is a situation that some people find confusing, some find it disgusting. Others .. like me .. find it is something that suits us.
Relationships genuinely confuse me … one minute you are lovers .. sharing the most intimate parts of your life .. and body with someone .. then you break up … and in some cases become nothing to each other.
I have never quite got my head around that … maybe my brain is wired differently .. but when I have been intimate with someone I tend to care for them .. no matter how much hurt blankets it … if I am totally honest there has never been anyone I have had in my bed that I wouldn’t go out of my way to help …
Friends with Benefits can work beautifully .. I have never had a “FWB” that has caused any upset or drama in my life … it is based on honesty, friendship and care … and a little bit of love .. but not the type of love that makes you want to spend your life with someone … something much more free than that .. a genuine warmth and affection for someone.
I have had mind blowing sex with some FWB’s … I have had boring sex in some relationships .. but somehow the “act” of sex doesn’t matter … sometimes it is the intimacy and the affection that is important.
For me intimacy and affection is based on honesty and truth .. and sadly I have found that easier to find in FWB’s than some relationships.
However …. I am not knocking relationships .. I have had some long term relationships that were based on honesty and truth and I was happy … but sometimes relationships run their course … sometimes you end up being companions or just friends .. and it is hard to get back what you have lost.
For me FWB’s give me the freedom to enjoy my life (I do not mean sleeping around!) I mean my life, as I like it … time on my own, no drama .. and the opportunity to look forward and “romance” someone … yes .. romance can play a part in FWB situation .. you can flirt, you can look forward to seeing her … you can enjoy her for who she is .. and she can enjoy you for who you are…. with no expectation, no broken promises and no losing of friendship at the end of it.
Most FWB situations do not develop into a relationship ..sometimes they just come along at the right time .. when you need something to give you a wee smile in your life … but they do not hurt .. they do not “turn” on you ….
I am an advocate of FWB’s …. not because I do not want to be monogamous … but because I am sick of liars, backstabbers and losing friendships … this has happened in relationships .. but never with FWB’s …
The downside of FWB’s is that sometimes someone wants more than you can give .. or want to give … even when you are totally honest with someone they will only hear what they want to hear … and they can sometimes let their dreams turn a FWB situation to much more in their head.
So .. my only advice .. if you are considering a FWB … be honest .. do not think that it will turn into a relationship .. most do not … just accept it for what it is … enjoy … and know that you will probably always have this person in your life … and a closeness that is beautiful … you do not always have to be loved … you do not always have to love … just enjoy .. you may just find that is enough.
A friend of mine posted something on Facebook today … part of it is posted below:
“I fall in “LIKE” easily…. But it’s very hard for me to fall in “LOVE”…. Let me explain.
In the beginning people show you the best side of them, the side they know you’ll like… They always seem almost perfect and you can’t believe your luck. You can’t believe someone who’s almost perfect and single is giving you an opportunity…. and that’s why I fell in “LIKE” really easily…. Because I liked what they were showing me in the beginning. I started thinking this person’s great, amazing, almost perfect and I can see a future….. Here’s where it changed…. They’ll do something, say something or start to change their character in a way where you’re like “hold on this isn’t the person I liked”…. Too many people are “temporary” or “throw away” because they’re fake or can’t be truly themselves in the beginning. And that’s why I find it hard to fall in “LOVE”. I just wanted someone who’s consistently the same. No switching and changing on me.”
This rung a chord with me …
People will say what they think you want to hear in order to get what they want. I have fallen for some wonderful old lines “Im not like that” “let me show you what it feels to be loved” .. and in the end they have been just words.
I do not think I am a particularly complex person .. simple things make me happy … I like peace, I like to laugh, I like to feel secure and wanted.
I cannot stand being constantly let down, disappointed, not listened to or feel like I am being used…. or in one case, like a secret that was too embarrassing to admit to. Yet, in a relationship, I find that this is often how I feel.
I made a conscious decision to take time out for myself a couple of years ago .. I needed the time to concentrate on fixing me rather than trying to always be the support for someone else. It is a decision I do not regret, it has made me see myself in a different light, what I need, what I want and to let things go that used to play on my mind.
I have been very lucky with the close friends that I have, who have understood that sometimes I just need to be alone .. to potter, to do nothing, to think … to be me… but if I have needed them or wanted company, they have been there with their silent, but very appreciated, support.
I have a very different life to the one I had a year ago … I have no stress, no worry, I have peace in my heart and in my mind . and it is truly a beautiful thing to realise that you wake up happy every morning.
Maybe I am destined to remain single … I am certainly not worried about whether I meet someone or not .. but I do know that when, and IF, I do meet someone it will not be someone who sets my soul on fire for a short time … it will be someone who makes me feel the embers always, someone I can rely on. Someone who gives me peace.
I have just spent a few days with a couple of old pals of mine who, after 15 years of asking, eventually managed to drag themselves up to Scotland.
They managed to chill out and relax (they run a pub in Chester and are always working!) and I thoroughly enjoyed their company and the laughs! (not to mention the wine and the vodka!).
Friendship is a funny thing … some of the people who you think will be in your life forever slide away… some slowly, some suddenly and sometimes we beat ourselves up about it. I know I used to.
Time and age teach you great things … more about yourself than other people, as we all grow and change at different times.
I am very, very lucky with the friends that I have in my life… and I know it. They make my life richer and more beautiful and of course much, much more fun!
There will always be fairweather friends who come and go in your life, that is just the way it is. However there will be others who will be friends and in your life for a long time, you won’t have to spend all your free time with them, you may only see them now and again but you know in your heart that they would do for you what you would do for them.
These friendships have meaning, they are based on trust and loyalty and a maturity that sadly evades some.
As we meander down our paths of fate we experience things that stay with us forever.
Sometimes these things are unexpected .. a view that etches itself into your brain. an experience that changes us or marks us forever, a song that touches us to our soul… or the people we meet on our journey that open up a part of us we never knew existed.
I read a post the other day that said that sometimes in life we meet people on our travels, that will travel with us for the whole journey, some for part of it and others we should leave at the kerb.
I guess I have traveled the majority of my journey through life and yet I still find myself surprised at the attitude of some people… you end up being caught up in someone else’s insecurities, lies, ego and jealousy.
Frankly, I have had enough of this in my past that has left me suspicious and questioning of people’s motives.
I tend to be open, maybe too open and I find that the people who cannot handle my openness are people who have a lot to hide…. or are suspicious of me because I am so open.
I have nothing to hide in my life …. don’t get me wrong … I’m far short of perfect and I have made some horrendous fuck up’s … but I accept that .. I accept a lot about me now that I never understood when I was younger and I’m ok with that. It is done. It has gone.
I am going to continue on my own little merry way … taking the steps and the path I want to take .. I have friends in my life that I love completely .. and they know it … and it will remain that way. They bring joy to my life and make me happy … and I am not prepared to lose that.
We all live our lives as society deems we should. Some of us try to live our lives honestly, but few of us ever manage to live our life as we truly want to.
Over the years I have lived as I felt I should, but always dreaming of another life, the perfect life… does it exist .. who knows… I live a happy life, one that I am content with .. but it is not all that I wanted.
I wanted to be loved as deeply as I love … not just a shallow love that is all words and sex .. but the true feeling of being loved totally, for all my good .. and my numerous bad points. I seem to end up feeling like a companion or that I am being used … both of these unsettle me and I have to move on.
I have never felt truly loved … I have fantastic friends who I love and I know who love me … but .. I have never felt the comfort of knowing that how I feel is reflected back in what I receive.
I have always said that there are two types of people in this world … the people who are born to be loved and others, like me, who are born to love.
As the years and relationships have passed I have become more and more disheartened with the idea of having to share my life with someone. Not because I don’t want to .. but simply because I find more peace by being on my own than I do when I am a relationship where I feel my feelings are wasted.
I doubt I am the only person who feels like this … maybe I just blurt out what I should keep quiet.. but I like to write from my heart .. from that place deep inside that hides the shadows of our doubts …
I have taken many a wrong turn or ended up at a dead end, but I have always thought I knew where I was heading and, even if it has taken me a long time, I have found my way back to the path I thought I should be on.
It has taken me a long, long time to realise that the path I thought I should be on, is one that was never going to make me feel fulfilled or happy.
Looking back last year I was lucky to find myself in a situation (not through choice!) where I had to decide whether to keep on the same path or take the decision to be happy and follow the path that was in my heart, instead of in my head.
My goal in life is not to be rich or successful, I just want to be happy. I am so lucky in many ways, I have peace in my head and my heart and wonderful people who will be with me as I travel along this new path.
This time I will take time to stop and look around me and appreciate all of what I have …
I will stop thinking about the “what if’s” … and just accept what is.
Valentines day. When smitten lovers or hopeful lovers spend a fortune on romance.
Ok … maybe I’m a wee bit cynical .. but I have been pondering over the thought of romance and love and how different we all “believe” love to be.
This is my own, very personal view of how I see love. You may not all agree with me … that is your right, but this is what makes me feel loved and how I show it.
I truly believe that to be successful in love that you have to meet someone who can walk the journey of life, and it’s trials and tribulations, alongside you. You have to have the same morals in life, the same expectations, the same desires. Without any of these you will never make a relationship work, no matter how much you love someone.
You need someone who appreciates you for the little things, who is grateful for all the things you do from the heart and who truly wants to be with you. To plan things with you, to spend time alone with you doing nothing,
I enjoy being single … I cannot stand drama or uncertainty in my life but there are times when I wake up during the night and I miss not having someone to snuggle into or to hold her hand.
I am not very romantic at heart, … my way of showing I care is in a practical and probably very boring way to some, but to someone else it will be perfect.
I don’t expect everything to be rosy, there will be arguments, there has to be to make a relationship work for both, but I do believe in compromise…. as long as it runs both ways!
I also appreciate being able to talk to someone.. but they must be able to listen, to understand, to read between the lines… and you can only do this if you are really interested in someone.
What I do want to do is make someone smile, from their lips to their heart … someone I want to hold, in silence at times and laughing our heads off at other times.
I want someone who when they say “I love you” means it … forever, not just for the time and the circumstance but really means it.
Someone who will be as excited as me to plan wee trips and holidays together.
I think what I am trying to say is that I want someone who really makes me believe that our relationship truly is about “us” .. and not me always pampering to them…. that just makes me feel used and that there is an ulterior motive.
Maybe I expect too much … but I do know that I need someone mature enough to compromise and who really understands and values a partnership.
Until she comes along … I will stay single .. my life is too good to spoil it with meaningless relationships where I end up feeling used or taken advantage of … I know I have a kind heart … someone out there will grab it and appreciate it … until then .. I will cuddle my dog!!
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 