Somewhere, Beneath it all, it exists, and is found in the most unexpected places.
A new mistress ..
September 18, 2014
What is happening in Scotland today is like the choice between an old lover and a new mistress.
The excitement may have worn off and the new mistress a tempting proposition. Sadly not all that glitters is gold.
Some of us (me included) have decided to stay loyal to the old lover .. recognising the imperfections that have to be worked on, and perhaps giving the old lover a bit of a shake up.
Some have decided to take the chance with the new lover… carried away with the excitement that passion can bring.
At the end of the day, whatever we choose, we will always have a pang of regret for the other .. but that must be all it is.
Together, as a nation, Scotland must learn to accept our new future, whatever bed we decide to sleep in, and make the very best of it. Forever.
So here is to us, a great nation, that history proves never manage to agree on very much *smile*. Let’s change our own history by being an example of how a country that is practically split in two about the referendum can come together to be a great nation again. With pride we lead.
A photo taken JUST at the right time …
September 13, 2014
I have to share this .. I have been laughing my head off since a friend of mine pointed out the guy’s face on the tv….
This is my very lovely friend Abby … dressed up for a bbq I had a couple of weeks ago … she has, through great determination just lost 3 stone and looks bloody fantastic! … but this photo not only shows off what a beautiful woman she is .. but .. .. well .. just look at the guys face …. *laughing even more*
A letter for a friend.
September 11, 2014
Sometimes life is not easy. Sometimes everything seems wrong, out of place and you find yourself in turmoil. The heavy brick in your stomach feeling seems permanent and the arguments in your own head are constant.
This is life. It is like that. What you have to remember is that it will not always be like this .. I know you have a lot of changes going on in your life right now … big changes, big decisions that a part of you does not want to make, but a part of you knows you must.
I know you worry, torn between responsibility and what you really want and that says a lot about you (although you may not realise it!) … you are not the same person you were .. you are not the “oh lets just do it” type of person who bounced your way through life into different situations that temporarily gave you peace.
You are older now, more responsible, still as much fun though (and that is good!) .. but you have become the person you are through hard work, experience and maturity.
You asked me once “what is it we have” .. and I replied “I don’t know but I like it” … and that still applies … you are more than a friend, less than a lover … you hold a very unique place in my life in my heart and although I know from experience that life and time sometimes changes things, rest assured I will always be here for you with my nagging advice and tutting *smile*
For now, with all the changes that you are going through there are some that need to be put to one side ..you always needs a constant thing in your life when you are changing other parts of your life. I know that too from experience.
Wherever you end up, whoever you may become, I will be there for you. I may not always agree with you (as you know I don’t) but you know I always tell you .. and I will continue to.
At the end of the day, the changes you make will be down to you, they have to be decisions that you make and that are the best for you, things that will make you happy. Leave the guilt behind, it’s a terrible thing, just do what you have to.
You are my friend, you are a beautiful woman. I treasure you.
Freedom! (nothing to do with the neverendum!)
September 10, 2014
We all have our cages.
image by knowledgehi.com
Responsibility, obligation, expectation, guilt, money.
These are the things that trap us within our own lives.
I am, in many ways very lucky, my only responsibility is to me. I do not have the pressure of someone else’s happiness to worry about.
Obligation, well I am also lucky enough not to feel obligated to anyone. Thankful and Grateful yes .. obligated .. no.
Expectation, this did trap me for a while .. I followed the path of what I thought was expected of me until I realised the path I was on did not make me happy.
Guilt … ah guilt .. probably my biggest nemesis … but over time and acknowledging this is myself I have managed to mostly put this behind me. Although to be fair this has been helped by the behaviour of others that has made me sit up and think!
Money… probably the biggest reason that most of us are trapped and in some ways I still am. My new business is going OK .. but I do live on my own, and I do have to pay the bills. I have sacrificed quite a lot over the last year, sometimes for weeks on end I have no social life and now I have to make choices on what my money has to be spent on .. I really wanted to buy a ticket to go and see Texas yesterday … but my hoover started belching out smoke … in the end I bought a hoover.
I am not complaining the lack of money really .. I expected it and prepared for it … I am quite happy in my own company and have one or two wee new hobbies to keep me occupied when I get a bit bored.
As my business grows I know that money will become less of a worry .. for now it is my main one .. but in the years to come this will hopefully change.
I know that when it does I will truly be free and that is one fantastic feeling!
.. a bit of business…
September 8, 2014
This is a busy time for us Celebrants … as the winter creeps in we are (sadly) busier on the funeral front but, for Celebrants, trained in funeral and wedding ceremonies we also have to prepare for the summer wedding season!
This Sunday I will be at the Glen Pavilion in Pittencrieff Park in Dunfermline as part of the Wedding Co-op Group … a great group that covers all you would ever need for your wedding!
At this event we are having a wedding fashion show and a band showpiece …. entry is free and you will be amazed at what is on offer!
If you are thinking of getting married why not pop in for a chat with me (if you are looking for a non religious wedding ceremony) .. or with many of the other exhibitors who provide such great work that I wish I was getting married myself! *smile*
visit this link for my website that explains everything I do as a Celebrant www.celebrantscotland.com
Protection
September 8, 2014
From Thich Nhat Hanh
“When we protect ourselves so we won’t feel pain, that protection becomes like armour, like armour that imprisons the softness of of the heart.” (Pema Chödrön)
I read this today and it struck a chord with me.
A few years ago I went through a really bad time in my life when I knew the business I was running was going to fail. It was hard for me to accept this … especially because about 10 years earlier I had lost another business .. and my home .. and everything I had ever worked for in similar circumstances. The stress of the situation led me slowly into a depression .. so slowly that I really didn’t realise at first .. I thought I had never suffered depression before .. where in reality (looking back) I went through exactly the same when I lost my previous business.
The sad thing about depression is that you do tend to protect yourself without realising it … you pull back, you play a role for people but inside your head you are fighting a battle.
It was a hard time for me … I just didn’t feel anything good at all … infact I didn’t really feel anything … I just existed, which is horrible place to be in .. I have spoken about this before in previous blogs … it is like being a zombie .. you breathe, you function but you are not living.
You close down… you protect .. you make a little cocoon for yourself where you still fight your battles but you stop affecting the people around you that you care about.
It was during this time that I was surprised by the people who cared .. and hurt by some people who didn’t.
I also felt that one person in particular took some satisfaction from kicking me when I was down … I have no idea why .. perhaps it was her own defence mechanism kicking in … or perhaps I had just been fooled from the start but whatever it was, it was like a final nail in the coffin for me.
I think what I forgot through it all was that not everyone thinks the same way as I do … not everyone is as open as I am .. (one of my good points but also a fault!) … and some people twist things to fit their stories and to achieve their goals.
I was accused by this person of “destroying” her when I ended our relationship … I think perhaps the person who has been destroyed is me.. and sadly I think this has been deliberately … I am now too wary to give my heart to anyone .. it isn’t worth the drama, lies and hassle that I try so hard to avoid because it unsettles me.
So now I find myself in a position of hiding behind truth, having FWB’s because it means I do not have to open up and be responsible for their happiness… but mainly because I have become a coward .. I am scared of feeling anything more than friendship … I am too wary to allow myself to care .. Some people can switch their emotions off and on .. I am not like that .. there is not one person who I have a relationship with that I wouldn’t try to help if they needed me … there is not one person who I would ever not care about .. but that is me.
Loving and caring for someone are much the same thing .. you may not love someone in the right way .. or rather in the way they want from you … but that does and should not allow you to stop caring. There are no answers to this .. I know I will never get the truth .. and perhaps I just need to accept that some people need to hide behind things too … or that they need drama for attention. What I do know is that I did not deserve what I got .. and that hurts and probably always will.
My heart is bigger than my brain (which is probably a good thing as I am not the brightest wee cookie on the planet!) … unfortunately my loyalty seems to be something that has been taken for granted here .. I do feel manipulate and used .. and I am angry at myself for not seeing it when everyone close to me could … perhaps that is why it still plays on my mind so much .. it is not so much that I do not trust other people .. but that I do not trust myself.
I did try to understand .. I did try to forge a friendship and just accept that sometimes how people see things as “their truth” will always be different … but in the end I gave up … I hate giving up, it is not in my make up … but this time I have been well and truly defeated.
You win.
She cried
September 6, 2014
… and when she came, the whole bed shook.
Her declaration of love whispered breathlessly.
Her arms and legs refusing to let go.
and her breath returned…
Her heartbeat slowing,
The honesty and closeness overwhelming.
She cried.
The snake in the grass …
September 6, 2014
The snake in the grass is a majestic creature. It’s beauty comes from it’s false smile and ability to transform it’s appearance and words to create a culture of upset and anger.
It lives in many environments .. the work place, the local pub and more often than not, on the internet and has a wonderful ability to pick one of it’s many faces at random. Disguising the jealousy and hate it feels behind a large smile and wide eyes.
The snake in the grass is one of the most dangerous creatures on earth. It can destroy friendships and relationships at will, and for no reason.
It’s need for attention is legendary, and it gathers information that it can twist and manipulate in it’s own mind to suit every situation.
The snake in the grass is driven by it’s inferiority and jealousy complexes, that do eventually come to the fore.
There is no way to kill the snake in the grass … and there is no vaccine against it’s venom.
We must, at all costs, avoid these creatures.. and let Karma deal with them, as it surely will.
Changing seasons
September 3, 2014
There is something quite beautiful about returning to a special place that holds lots of memories. These are my recent photos of Glencoe Lochan .. for me a beautiful and spiritual place where I find great peace.
I have visited here many times .. and it is where, when I die, I want my ashes to be scattered.
The beauty in this place changes with the seasons, the early spring brings a miriad of green sprinkled with first buds of bloom, the summer brings a darker green as the shade from the foliage lays patterns on the pathway but with the odd burst of colour from Rhododendron bushes and wild flowers as they search for the light through the shade. Autumn is when it really is at it’s best … the leaves change colour into shades of green, golden, yellow and red … a rainbow of colour above your head and below your feet. Winter is when the beauty of this place is stark. The limbs of the trees standing like silhouettes against the grey skies but the white of the snow on the mountains raising your eyes upwards.
I love to walk slowly round here .. feeling the atmosphere of this special place that was built by a man to stop his Canadian Indian wife from being homesick. In later years the big house was used as a hospital for soldiers who had suffered lung injuries .. the clean air and flat path aiding their recovery.
It is here that I caught my first fish. It is here that during a dark time I found peace ..just for an hour or two.
Although the seasons change this place temporarily the beauty and the tranquillity stay constant.
That makes me feel safe.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 