That is love.

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ImageA friend of mine posted something on Facebook today …   part of it is posted below:

“I fall in “LIKE” easily…. But it’s very hard for me to fall in “LOVE”…. Let me explain.

In the beginning people show you the best side of them, the side they know you’ll like… They always seem almost perfect and you can’t believe your luck. You can’t believe someone who’s almost perfect and single is giving you an opportunity…. and that’s why I fell in “LIKE” really easily…. Because I liked what they were showing me in the beginning. I started thinking this person’s great, amazing, almost perfect and I can see a future….. 
Here’s where it changed…. They’ll do something, say something or start to change their character in a way where you’re like “hold on this isn’t the person I liked”…. 
Too many people are “temporary” or “throw away” because they’re fake or can’t be truly themselves in the beginning. And that’s why I find it hard to fall in “LOVE”.
I just wanted someone who’s consistently the same. No switching and changing on me.”

This rung a chord with me … 

People will say what they think you want to hear in order to get what they want.   I have fallen for some wonderful old lines “Im not like that” “let me show you what it feels to be loved” .. and in the end they have been just words.   

I do not think I am a particularly complex person .. simple things make me happy … I like peace, I like to laugh, I like to feel secure and wanted.

I cannot stand being constantly let down, disappointed, not listened to or feel like I am being used…. or in one case, like a secret that was too embarrassing to admit to.   Yet, in a relationship, I find that this is often how I feel.

I made a conscious decision to take time out for myself a couple of years ago .. I needed the time to concentrate on fixing me rather than trying to always be the support for someone else.  It is a decision I do not regret, it has made me see myself in a different light, what I need, what I want and to let things go that used to play on my mind.    

I have been very lucky with the close friends that I have, who have understood that sometimes I just need to be alone .. to potter, to do nothing, to think … to be me… but if I have needed them or wanted company, they have been there with their silent, but very appreciated, support.

I have a very different life to the one I had a year ago … I have no stress, no worry, I have peace in my heart and in my mind . and it is truly a beautiful thing to realise that you wake up happy every morning.

Maybe I am destined to remain single … I am certainly not worried about whether I meet someone or not .. but I do know that when, and IF, I do meet someone it will not be someone who sets my soul on fire for a short time … it will be someone who makes me feel the embers always, someone I can rely on.  Someone who gives me peace.

For me, that is love.

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I’ve never been to me ….

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We all live our lives as society deems we should. Some of us try to live our lives honestly, but few of us ever manage to live our life as we truly want to.

Over the years I have lived as I felt I should, but always dreaming of another life, the perfect life… does it exist .. who knows… I live a happy life, one that I am content with .. but it is not all that I wanted.

I wanted to be loved as deeply as I love … not just a shallow love that is all words and sex .. but the true feeling of being loved totally, for all my good .. and my numerous bad points. I seem to end up feeling like a companion or that I am being used … both of these unsettle me and I have to move on.

I have never felt truly loved … I have fantastic friends who I love and I know who love me … but .. I have never felt the comfort of knowing that how I feel is reflected back in what I receive.

I have always said that there are two types of people in this world … the people who are born to be loved and others, like me, who are born to love.

As the years and relationships have passed I have become more and more disheartened with the idea of having to share my life with someone. Not because I don’t want to .. but simply because I find more peace by being on my own than I do when I am a relationship where I feel my feelings are wasted.

I doubt I am the only person who feels like this … maybe I just blurt out what I should keep quiet.. but I like to write from my heart .. from that place deep inside that hides the shadows of our doubts …

It will be interesting to see replies to this …

The benefit of friends

3 Comments

Image

Friendship in all forms is a wonderful thing that makes our lives a brighter wee place to live in.

We have friends who make us laugh and cry, friends we can talk to with our deepest thoughts and trust completely and other friends on the peripheries who we meet now and again and enjoy their company for the short time we see them.

Friendship as you get older becomes something deeper, you realise that the amount of friends you have is nothing compared to the closeness of the few who really mean something in your life.

Sometimes we get more from a friendship, a short period of time when we can feel wanted and enjoy the want we feel for someone else.   A friend with benefits.

I have in my past had friends with benefits, which generally worked out great for all concerned, with one exception where the expectation from the other party was more than I was able to give.

On one occasion it developed into a relationship that lasted for a couple of years, but it is rare for FWB to do this, normally FWB are people coming out of a period of hurt or darkness and not able or ready to commit.

To be honest I find a FWB easier to deal with than a list of short term relationships that leaves me feeling guilty and unsatisfied.    I have never been one to jump from a relationship straight into another … I like to take time out, I don’t want to hurt someone by using them just because I am on the rebound.

I am now 52 years old, I am contented and settled in my life once again and I am really not sure if I want a relationship again.    Maybe that will change, I have no idea, but I have for a long time felt under pressure to compromise too much to keep someone happy and in the end made myself unhappy.  I am really not prepared to do that now.

If I could find a “perfect woman” (Nigella jokes aside!) .. I know what I want ..  a thinker, a joker, a tough minded opinionated woman, strong at times, but with a weakness that shows from time to time,  who wants to make someone feel special but feel special in return, not by words but by actions.  Someone who wants to spend time with me and is happy with their life and does not rely on me for all their happiness.

I need someone who understands the importance of sharing decisions with a partner and how the word US is more important than I,  but also is independent enough to understand my need for time on my own as well as my need for time alone with my partner and time to socialise .. in a normal balance that is stress-less.

Does she exist? …  am I being selfish? who knows … until then .. I will just be ..

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