Brae. A gay woman's tale!

We do live in an age of “disposable” relationships … when things get tough, it is easier to walk away than to fix problems.   I have been guilty of this myself as well as being on the other end of the problem.

None of us are perfect, we have our baggage, our faults and our own personal battles that we often fight alone.,, and as I have grown older, I realise that there is no such thing as a “perfect” relationship.

A relationship is not about “becoming one” …  this is not love or acceptance of each other … a true relationship is based on two people who accept and love each other for all the faults that both of them have.  Allowing each other to be the person that they want to be and loving them for it.  While supporting and encouraging each other to be the very best they can.

Will there be arguments, yep there sure will, will there be times when you feel you could murder each other … yep to that too … but alongside all that is the knowledge your partner will be there by your side through whatever life flings at you… the good and the bad.

Love means something different to everyone… but each relationship should have equal amounts of support and understanding… safe in the knowledge that your heart is safe and wanted no matter what personal difficulties you are going through.

I have been accused of being very “black and white” in the way I live my life and in the decisions I make. This is quite true.

I do not handle “gray” areas of my life well, uncertainty and indecision make me uncomfortable… and I lose my peace of mind.

I am a decisive, get things done type of person and, although not all my decisions, are right, they are always decisions I take responsibility for.

My judgement on many things, had mostly held me in good stead and I have never really doubted myself… but over the last few months things have changed.

Things have happened in my life that I never seen coming, and decisions and choices I have made have not turned out well.

Doubt and confusion are now clouding my thoughts… and my own self confidence is really low.

I am now over thinking and over reacting to things that in the past would have brought a decisive response from me.

It feels a bit like being in no mans land, I can’t seem to move forward and there is no going back.

All of this is taking away my peace of mind and my sleep and I am floundering.

I know I am a strong woman, I know I survived many battles, but this feeling of not being able to judge or decide on things is really draining and I am not dealing with it well at all.

Even when I have been through some dark times, my ability to “just do it” has seen me through… but this ability came from my confidence in my decisions… and, right now, I simply do not trust myself.