Brae. A gay woman's tale!

To The Girl With A Tired Soul, It’s Time For You To Heal Yourself

Ros and I had a great couple of days up in Elgin a few weeks ago … and it gave us both the “bug” to get out there and enjoy ourselves!

For the past few months my life has revolved around taking funerals or sitting at home (not that I mind that much!) … and Ros has been stuck at home, only going out to do shopping!

Our wee trip away was great … we had some great walks and visited all the lovely little fishing villages along the Moray and Aberdeenshire Coast, but it was a flying visit, so we decided to go back for a few more days for Ros’s birthday.

This morning we decided that 3 nights away wasn’t long enough … thankfully work has picked up for me again (although I had a lot of funerals on, most of them, due to only having 6 people present, were just quick committal services, which I didn’t charge full price for).

Now that work is more “normal” than it was (still a way to go) … I have decided to stop worrying so much about money and just enjoy it …. although I still like to look for bargains LOL

We are off to Burghead for Ros’s birthday, to a static caravan on the seafront and then travelling down to Johnstown to a seafront hotel … the “dugs” will love it!

After losing both holidays this year, we both needed a couple of days away… I managed to find a really good deal in Elgin. Cheap because the spa and pool were closed, breakfast was “grab and go” (croissants, biscuits and fruit in a bag to eat in your room)… but I thought I would book it!…

Off we went with dogs in tow to find that we were one of only two couples booked in!

The hotel “Eight Acres” was great… nice room that was spotless and the staff were brilliant!… because the restaurant was closed they suggested using Just Eat to order dinner, which we did and the hotel gave us cutlery and crockery!

We had a fantastic time … we were lucky with the weather and travelled the whole of the coast line from Spey Dolphin view point to Fraserburgh!…, dogs loved it all and wee Pixie loved swimming… fatso Sprout didn’t even like paddling!… It was only two nights but really feel the benefit of it!

It’s the lugs (ears for you non Scots).

It has been a funny couple of years for me … and not in a ha ha way ..

I suddenly found myself single after my partner, who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, suddenly announced she wanted “time on her own” to know what she wanted from life”. Fair enough …. it hurt but I did understand.

However, it turns out this was not the reason. She had met someone else and even though she denied anything happened before we split… she know that I know she is lying. Looking back with a clear mind now, there were so many lies …and even more when we split up … she had to make me feel bad for her actions that she could not take responsibility for.

Some of the lies she told me are laughable now … but at the time really crushed me… all because she would not face up to who she was.. it was easier for her conscience to destroy me.

There was so much more else on top of this, a breast cancer scare, being ripped off when I bought a motorhome and losing so much money to meeting someone who was a drunk (and failed to tell me she already had a girlfriend) and then meeting another woman who was mentally unstable and threatening.

I decided to give up … I am someone who is happy in their own company and don’t “need” anyone to complete me. I have a job I love and (at the time) one wee dog that is wonderful (even if she does make me shout at times!).

Then out of the blue I met Ros … it was the night I decided to give up and take myself off dating sites … it was her first night on a dating site …. coincidentally we only lived around 5 miles from each other … so, when I had a “like” I decided to say hello (mainly to invite her to the woman’s group that run locally).

We spoke openly and honestly about our past relationships and how they had made us feel … we also spoke about our physical capabilities… we both have issues with them … but we decided together that perhaps we would work …

Turns out we have … this weekend, 18 months down the line, Ros is moving in … the house in chaos as we try to fit 2 homes into one … and there have been a few “discussions” about what we keep and what we don’t …

We get each other, we understand each other and slowly the hurt has faded away …

I no longer have to get up at a silly hour to do my work in order to spend time with someone. I no longer have to worry about the fact that I was going to end up with someone who drinks too much and who thought I was weird for not wanting a booze stained breath in my face and I no longer have to worry about being blamed for someone else’s lack of morals.

A new start … a new life … here is to us!

For Love in a time of conflict, (John O’Donohue)

When the gentleness between you hardens
And you fall out of your belonging with each other,
May the depths you have reached hold you still.

When no true word can be said, or heard,
And you mirror each other in the script of hurt,
When even the silence has become raw and torn,
May you hear again an echo of your first music.

When the weave of affection starts to unravel
And anger begins to sear the ground between you,
Before this weather of grief invites
The black seed of bitterness to find root,
May your souls come to kiss.

Now is the time for one of you to be gracious,
To allow a kindness beyond thought and hurt,
Reach out with sure hands
To take the chalice of your love,
And carry it carefully through this echoless waste
Until this winter pilgrimage leads you
Towards the gateway to spring.

It’s strange what little memories run through your head… I remember clearly a day on a beach at Cavat… no crowds, warm sun, warm sea and feeling at total peace with the world even though my back was killing me… I was happy.

Hopefully the sun will soon warm the sea again soon.