Brae. A gay woman's tale!

It’s the lugs (ears for you non Scots).

It has been a funny couple of years for me … and not in a ha ha way ..

I suddenly found myself single after my partner, who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, suddenly announced she wanted “time on her own” to know what she wanted from life”. Fair enough …. it hurt but I did understand.

However, it turns out this was not the reason. She had met someone else and even though she denied anything happened before we split… she know that I know she is lying. Looking back with a clear mind now, there were so many lies …and even more when we split up … she had to make me feel bad for her actions that she could not take responsibility for.

Some of the lies she told me are laughable now … but at the time really crushed me… all because she would not face up to who she was.. it was easier for her conscience to destroy me.

There was so much more else on top of this, a breast cancer scare, being ripped off when I bought a motorhome and losing so much money to meeting someone who was a drunk (and failed to tell me she already had a girlfriend) and then meeting another woman who was mentally unstable and threatening.

I decided to give up … I am someone who is happy in their own company and don’t “need” anyone to complete me. I have a job I love and (at the time) one wee dog that is wonderful (even if she does make me shout at times!).

Then out of the blue I met Ros … it was the night I decided to give up and take myself off dating sites … it was her first night on a dating site …. coincidentally we only lived around 5 miles from each other … so, when I had a “like” I decided to say hello (mainly to invite her to the woman’s group that run locally).

We spoke openly and honestly about our past relationships and how they had made us feel … we also spoke about our physical capabilities… we both have issues with them … but we decided together that perhaps we would work …

Turns out we have … this weekend, 18 months down the line, Ros is moving in … the house in chaos as we try to fit 2 homes into one … and there have been a few “discussions” about what we keep and what we don’t …

We get each other, we understand each other and slowly the hurt has faded away …

I no longer have to get up at a silly hour to do my work in order to spend time with someone. I no longer have to worry about the fact that I was going to end up with someone who drinks too much and who thought I was weird for not wanting a booze stained breath in my face and I no longer have to worry about being blamed for someone else’s lack of morals.

A new start … a new life … here is to us!

For Love in a time of conflict, (John O’Donohue)

When the gentleness between you hardens
And you fall out of your belonging with each other,
May the depths you have reached hold you still.

When no true word can be said, or heard,
And you mirror each other in the script of hurt,
When even the silence has become raw and torn,
May you hear again an echo of your first music.

When the weave of affection starts to unravel
And anger begins to sear the ground between you,
Before this weather of grief invites
The black seed of bitterness to find root,
May your souls come to kiss.

Now is the time for one of you to be gracious,
To allow a kindness beyond thought and hurt,
Reach out with sure hands
To take the chalice of your love,
And carry it carefully through this echoless waste
Until this winter pilgrimage leads you
Towards the gateway to spring.

It’s strange what little memories run through your head… I remember clearly a day on a beach at Cavat… no crowds, warm sun, warm sea and feeling at total peace with the world even though my back was killing me… I was happy.

Hopefully the sun will soon warm the sea again soon.

A Blessing for a Friend on the Arrival of Illness
by John O’Donohue

Now is the time of dark invitation
beyond a frontier that you did not expect.
Abruptly your old life seems distant.
You barely noticed how each day opened
a path through fields never questioned
yet expected deep down to hold treasure.

Now your time on earth becomes full of threat.
Before your eyes your future shrinks.
You lived absorbed in the day to day so continuous
with everything around you that you could forget
you were separate.

Now this dark companion has come between you.
Distances have opened in your eyes.
You feel that against your will
A stranger has married your heart.
Nothing before has made you feel so isolated
and lost.

When the reverberations of shock subside in you,
may grace come to restore you to balance.
May it shape a new space in your heart
to embrace this illness as a teacher
who has come to open your life to new worlds.
May you find in yourself a courageous hospitality
towards what is difficult, painful and unknown.

May you use this illness as a lantern
to illuminate the new qualities that will emerge in you.
May your fragile harvesting of this slow light help you
release whatever has become false in you.
May you trust this light to clear a path
through all the fog of old unease and anxiety
until you feel a rising within you,
a tranquility profound enough to call the storm to stillness.

May you find the wisdom to listen to your illness,
ask it why it came,
why it chose your friendship,
where it wants to take you,
what it wants you to know,
what quality of space it wants to create in you,
what you need to learn to become more fully yourself,
that your presence may shine in the world.

May you keep faith with your body,
learning to see it as a holy sanctuary
which can bring this night wound
gradually towards the healing and freedom of dawn.

It makes sense now,

That  life we no longer have

It wasn’t about what we owned

Or what we bought.

It wasn’t about quick cheap thrills,

Drunken nights and playing the fool.

It is about compassion and kindness,

The sun on our face and dirt on our clothes.

It is about protecting and caring for the people we love,

Even if that comes across as being tough.

It’s the kindness  in eyes reflecting the heart,

The stillness of thoughts in a calm mind,

It’s the calming whisper beating a shout,

Yes, too late, we learn what it’s about.

These are very strange times.   We are in the midst of a world wide emergency the likes of never seen before… and yet people are still being idiots, panic buying and refusing to stay indoors.

For me, it is slightly different as I am diabetic and have high blood pressure and I have been advised to self isolate for 12 weeks.  Ros, with her medical problems, is also self isolating during this period … however, neither of us can completely cut ourselves off from the outside world.

Until funerals become Cremation only (with no service) I have to keep working.  I am arranging family visits by phone and video chat but I do have to turn up to take services, but being very careful about the 2 metre rule! … I have wipes in the car for my hands and no longer shake hands or hug my families.

However, it does seem that I may soon be out of work.   With no services required, I will not be able to earn a living.  Ros is on a medical pension, so we will have very little coming in … at the moment there is no help from our government for the self employed, especially if we are renting (which I am!).   Ros was due to move in with me at the end of the month, we have decided to delay until this whole hoo haaaa is over with.

So many people are shocked when I tell them I will have no work, everyone (including me) thought that working in the funeral business would mean a job for life … sadly not …

At least Sprout, Pixie and Jak the cat are happy …. I think Ros and I may have to turn to wine to see us through!

Here’s hoping our bloody useless and fannying about government can come up with something good for the self employed later today!… or I may be asking for food (and loo roll) parcels!