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I’ve never been to me ….

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We all live our lives as society deems we should. Some of us try to live our lives honestly, but few of us ever manage to live our life as we truly want to.

Over the years I have lived as I felt I should, but always dreaming of another life, the perfect life… does it exist .. who knows… I live a happy life, one that I am content with .. but it is not all that I wanted.

I wanted to be loved as deeply as I love … not just a shallow love that is all words and sex .. but the true feeling of being loved totally, for all my good .. and my numerous bad points. I seem to end up feeling like a companion or that I am being used … both of these unsettle me and I have to move on.

I have never felt truly loved … I have fantastic friends who I love and I know who love me … but .. I have never felt the comfort of knowing that how I feel is reflected back in what I receive.

I have always said that there are two types of people in this world … the people who are born to be loved and others, like me, who are born to love.

As the years and relationships have passed I have become more and more disheartened with the idea of having to share my life with someone. Not because I don’t want to .. but simply because I find more peace by being on my own than I do when I am a relationship where I feel my feelings are wasted.

I doubt I am the only person who feels like this … maybe I just blurt out what I should keep quiet.. but I like to write from my heart .. from that place deep inside that hides the shadows of our doubts …

It will be interesting to see replies to this …

The wrong relationship?

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Picture from Slapix.com

The second of two requested blogs!

In a way the caption in the picture sums up what it feels like when you are in a relationship that is wrong for you.

You do feel alone, you realise your partner thinks “me” and not “us” and you know that no amount of talking will make them able to hear you.

Frustration sets in … you begin to think “WTF” and you switch off .. 

I am not sure if there is anything than can be called a “wrong relationship” … but there are relationships that make you realise exactly what you don’t want.

In reality you have to meet someone who compliments you .. they may be the complete opposite from from you, they may be very like you .. but somehow you are travelling in the same direction .. just not necessarily on the same path.

Listen to your gut instinct .. you KNOW when someone loves you .. you can feel it, without words being said.   Words are cheap .. they mean nothing really … go with what you know, not what you are told.

The “D” word

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I have written about the subject of Depression many times in this blog and I know that is a subject that few understand, unless they have been touched by it in the past.

Many are embarrassed to talk about it … they are ashamed, feel that they are somehow not “normal” because of it.   The truth is any of us can go through it .. sometimes only once, sometimes repeatedly .. but the result of our depression leaves us a different person. There is an old saying that ” when you come out of the other side you will not the the same person who walked into the storm” .. and this is true …

I like to think that I have only had depression once, but in reality this is not true.   Many years ago I lost a business, my home and everything I had worked for … and looking back I know I went through it then… although at the time I didn’t realise I was depressed.. I was so used to feeling stressed that I did not have the common sense to see the difference between normal stress and depression.

You cannot explain to someone who has not gone through depression what it is like.    The nearest I can get is that you lose the ability to feel anything.   Occasionally you have a wee blip of something but you can’t sustain it.   You just feel empty, worn out, you cannot deal with drama of any kind, and although you try to lead a “normal” life, you are in reality just going through the motions.

I was lucky, I had a couple of friends who could see what was happening to me .. and through being able to talk to them and my doctor, honestly and frankly, I began to find my feet again.   

It wasn’t easy .. and I know my thoughts at the time swung wildly, the battle within was a struggle, a huge battle, but with the help of my friends I slowly won.    Not in a great sudden burst of victorious celebration but in a gentle, peaceful, quiet way.

I knew things in my life had to change… and although it would mean sacrifices in more ways than one, I began to take the steps forward to a new life.

People talk about starting a “new chapter” in their lives … for me .. it is a whole new book.

I have taken time out .. to concentrate on me .. I am not foolish enough to think that by “having someone in my life” that my problems would be solved .. I knew that I had to find contentedness and peace within me before I could ever consider entering into a relationship other than friendship with anyone.

I know some people think I have been “brave” to start a new life at my age .. I am not brave, I am a bit of stubborn old fool, I refuse to let life and myself let me down!   

As for the future, who knows, I am loving my new “vocation” … and I have been lucky that I met someone who turned a key in me, that let me see what love is really all about, and although this was not, and never will be anything else than a deep friendship, for that I am truly grateful.

I know I am lucky, my life has been a mix of great successes combined with a few spectacular failures and I do still have a wee niggle that I am a bit of a “liability” to consider being in a relationship but in the end I have found what a lot of people will never find .. contentment and peace… and perhaps, for me, that is enough.    

Love …

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Love ...

Stuck on you

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Stuck on you
I’ve got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can’t lose
Guess I’m on my way
Needed a friend
And the way I feel now I guess I’ll be with you ’til the end
Guess I’m on my way
Mighty glad you stayed

I’m stuck on you
Been a fool too long I guess it’s time for me to come on home
Guess I’m on my way
So hard to see
That a woman like you could wait around for a man like me
Guess I’m on my way
Mighty glad you stayed

Oh, I’m leaving on that midnight train tomorrow
And I know just where I’m going
I’ve packed up my troubles and I’ve thrown them all away
‘Cause this time little darling
I’m coming home to stay

I’m stuck on you
I’ve got this feeling down deep in my soul that I just can’t lose
Guess I’m on my way
Needed a friend
And the way I feel now I guess I’ll be with you ’til the end
Guess I’m on my way
I’m mighty glad you stayed

Lionel Ritchie

Priorities

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I was having a bit of a laugh today on Facebook with some friends about chat up lines and relationships and stuff … you know .. the “love” and “relationship” stuff…

We all have different expectations from a relationship .. and are often left disappointed when we feel our expectations are not being met … or they are not how we “dream” they will be.

Everyone loves and needs to be loved in a very different way .. what is right for one person is not always right for another … I am not that tactile .. I need a partner that is more tactile than me .. but not overly so … I find the demands of an overly tactile person too much and smothering for me .. and it makes me feel uneasy because it does not “ring true”.

I am not a person who is or ever will be the greatest partner in someone’s life … I like my own wee ways, my quiet times, my thinking time, not because I do not want to be in the same room or company as someone.. but just because sometimes I have to relax and I can only do that by having time inside my own head….

As I have aged I have become more aware of my own need for peace .. peace of mind and peace of heart .. I do not want a huge heart thumping romance that will reach into my soul and tear my heart out .. I have had those when I was younger .. and they never last ..

I would rather have a relationship that was peaceful, truthful and honest … that gave me calmness and strength rather than excitement and passion .. understanding instead of arguments.

Sometimes you can be in a relationship that you know could be amazing .. but something just doesn’t click .. your priorities differ .. your needs differ and instead of being a healthy and loving relationship it turns into something dramatic and destructive.    This is no-one’s fault .. it is just the fundamental differences that cannot be overcome.    You have to step back .. let go and find your level with someone who fits.

I am 52, I am single with a string of relationships behind me … some of which were healthy, some of which were less so … do I want another relationship now?    I am not sure .. I do not want something I cannot see reaching into my future, I would have to be very confident that a relationship would last … until my last breath .. I do not want the hurt and the self doubt again and the feeling of being a bit lost.

I have found my balance and my peace again … I want to keep that ..  so unless a miracle happens I will continue to do my own wee thing … flirt around a bit .. have a laugh … and do nothing apart from laugh…

If, at the end, I have no-one to hold my hand .. then I hope I will leave plenty of smiles in some hearts.

If …

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I was thinking today about how we all deal with breakup’s and how they effect our thinking and attitude towards future relationships.   All very deep stuff that I will not bore you with, especially as this is always a very personal thing .. and there is no right or wrong .. some people can go from one love to another easily, others need to take time to let the love they feel change to a love they can understand or a forgiveness that gives them peace.

However, thinking back on past personal relationships I realised something rather sad .. or pathetic, depending on how you look at it….. I have often given time to people, second chances to people and I have waited…jeez how I’ve waited at times … BUT .. I’ve never had anyone who waited for me …

I am not sure if that says something good about me .. or bad about me …  but I find it rather sad …

Leave the drama at the door

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I’m at the age where my priorities and outlook from what I want from life are much more simple and less “idealised” than what I wanted in my youth.

I no longer want to conquer the world or be a millionaire, I no longer envy what other people have because I have everything in my life that makes me contented and happy.  I would like to share this with someone.

I don’t want a partner to change or rock my world, I just want someone who understands me and my life. I simply want to keep being contented and have someone who makes me smile, understands my need for “me time” and doesn’t expect me to be the reason for their happiness or security.

I want a partner who has a life, enjoys her life, lives her life and has space in it to share some of her time with me and to look forward to our shared time together.

A relationship has to be a shared experience, not always 50/50 as sometimes one or the other will need support and understanding but it has to work both ways.

I don’t want to be rushed into things or made to feel guilty about parts of me and my make up that I have accepted and don’t want to change. I do not want to be changed, I simply want to be me, with someone who is comfortable in their own skin and life and someone that is happy to have me in their life to compliment it .. not to make it.

I want honesty, reliability and affection.  I want to compromise, not give in.   I want to laugh, not worry.

Too much to ask for?  You tell me..

What I want …

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Today I am person I am comfortable with and actually like! I’m not perfect, far from it, but I like me.

Over the years I have learned a lot about love, life and myself and through all this time I have had some very low and very high points.

I watch with bemusement relationships (on line and off line) that blossom, are all consuming and then burn themselves out in a dramatic way. I have done this myself and learned lessons from them (sometimes you have to make the same mistake more than once to learn!) .

Now I am at a point in my life where what I want is more important to me than what someone else wants, that sounds selfish I know .. but in reality the only person who can make me happy is myself. I do not want to be needed, I want to be wanted and I want the same from any future relationship.

Not all lesbians “get this” – they want the whole living together, shared life thing .. well not me .. Ive been there (more than once!) and now I have a different way of looking at things.

My views will not be shared by everyone but I have found that many of the women around my age understand my point of view, the one’s who don’t tend to be needy, which is NOT what I want at all. Maybe I’m a wee bit cynical, maybe I will have a different point of view completely in 6 months time.. who knows.. the future has yet to unfold!

How well do you communicate…

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I read a very interesting blog yesterday from my good pal and business colleague Jane Woods   http://www.changingpeople.co.uk/2010/stop-talking-to-your-partner/

It got me thinking…

One of the major breakdowns in any relationship, business or personal,  is the lack of communication, whether this is based on the fact that people just lose interest in listening or whether they just cannot communicate how they feel.

There is also the danger of miscommunication – these days social media has opened up a new route for people to communicate but we still have thoughts that we have to put in writing.  Thoughts and emphasis sometimes come out very different in the written word simply due to the lack of personal knowledge of that person or the lack of facial or vocal expression.

This has been a difficult week for me in my personal life .. my communication skills have suddenly hit a new time low and not just with one person..  I didn’t think I was to blame for any of the problems .. but the fact that it has happened twice in one week (and quite major misunderstandings) with two unconnected people makes me think the problem may be me.

I am tired trying to be heard and failing and I feel locked in my own little world .. and wondering if I am the only person in the world who thinks the way I do .. which is not something I have felt since my teens.

I am seriously thinking about taking a break from things and disappearing into the wilds of Scotland somewhere, where I don’t have to talk, don’t have to listen and don’t have to agree with anyone apart from me.

The person I need to listen to the most is me .. and I think Ive forgotten how to do that.

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