Full of good intentions…

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I have a lovely quiet week workwise this week … I don’t often have them, so I treasure the times when I can just doodle around as I feel …

Ros is away on holiday to Arran with her aunt until Saturday, so I thought I would make the most of my time by catching up with all the little jobs needing done … I have turned my spare room into a dvd/sports room (got rid of the bed and bought a sofa bed) … and also a room where I can practice my yoga and pilates … which I decided to do today ….

… well … that was the plan …

Sprout decided yoga looked fun … I had to give up in the end


I am who I am …

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I had a very deep conversation with one of my longstanding friends tonight … albeit online rather than face to face or on the phone.

We have been friends for many, many years and have seen each other through huge successes and huge failures.   Our lives have changed many times over the years but what has remained constant is our friendship.

It got me thinking …

Looking back on my life I can see the bits of me that have changed and developed over the years.  It has not been a conscious decision to change, it has just happened.    Perhaps with a little help from hindsight and the odd mistake or two.

What I wanted when I was younger, is not what a I want now.    Making lots of money, or climbing into someone’s bed just does not appeal to me now.   Hell, I’ve made loads of money, lost it and survived.   The same with women …  it all adds up to phases in our lives.

There have been times when I have felt I could rule the world (and I wanted to!), and there have been others where I have wanted to run away and curl up into a small ball and let things pass me by.

There are times when I should have spoken out .. and there are times when I should have kept my mouth shut (I’m not very good at that!) …

I can’t say I have become wiser … what is wisdom anyway .. apart from a series of lessons learned .. but I have become more honest .. and discovered that not everyone likes that.

I have learned that no matter how much you think you can trust someone, the only person you can .. is yourself.

I have also been lucky enough to hit complete rock bottom … I know this is a strange thing to say .. especially as at the time it was the darkest place I have ever experienced … nothing made sense … nothing made me happy … I functioned, I didn’t live.

That probably taught me the best lesson of all … who stood by me .. and who didn’t … who could handle me at my worst.. and who couldn’t …

All of it.. the highs and the lows .. have brought me to who I am today … and I am very comfortable and happy with that … my life has completely changed… I have had to make sacrifices but I have done it … I have come through the other side … I have found peace, I have found contentment.. not through finding god  (I am not religious!).. but through finding me and what I need.





Words from my cousin

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284890_10150275095987902_6724930_nThese are words from my beautiful cousin Emma …. she lives in New Zealand and in October I am going over there to conduct her wedding to her wonderful woman Ange ….

I love this …

Lately I’ve been looking back, remembering lost loved ones, how I meet my friends, my family, the good and the bad, my childhood and the things that have given me great joy and the things that have pained me. I rejoiced in my good choices and frowned at my less than honourable moments! I was reminded of the people who inspire me and of the friends new and old, who have laughed and cried with me.
I decided a long time ago to never fear death; I had danced with it once too often! I never concerned myself with the “what if’s”, “the maybes”, “could haves” or the “can’t do’s”. I have with apparent ease accepted that life at some point comes to an inevitable end and that death was the unavoidable conclusion of a life well lived. But for reasons God only knows this morning I selfishly wondered why I had spent my life fighting battles, why I had waged war on wrong doing and why I had dedicated my life to serving others.
What had I achieved? The world was still a bad place right?
You see I never believed myself to be a fearful person; I was brave, strong, uncompromising in my beliefs and steadfast in the face of diversity. But today I was scared. Today I had forgotten why I do what I do. I started to question myself, had I done enough, been enough, given enough, believed enough. Loved enough! I wasn’t sure. If I hadn’t, was there enough time left to be better, to be stronger, and to be more caring, more forgiving or could I have the courage to simply stop worrying about it!
You see I recently meet someone who reminded me what it means to be passionate about the things you hold dear, someone who reconnected me with dreams I thought long lost. Talking with them reminded me of the things I am yet to do and rekindled old fires within me that I had let burnout. This has taken me out of my current comfort zone! Now I don’t regret meeting them, far from it. I am thankful. In a way, their life, passions and aspirations mirrored mine. But connecting with someone whom compels you to contemplate or review your life is not without it burdens!
If I have learned one thing in this life it is this. Bad things are always going to happen and most often to the nicest of people. People will hurt you but you can’t use that as an excuse to give up or to hurt someone back. Society condemns that which is different, that which threatens the “traditional” norms. Fear inhibits progress and hate prohibits freedom.
I have learned that forgiveness, unlike bitterness is never easy. Sometimes, people say things they don’t mean or do things they can’t take back. In turn we sometimes do the same. We’re all afraid of something! Me; I ‘m afraid of spiders, drowning, letting go of past hurts and on occasion not being wise enough! But I’ve learned this – It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or even where you’ve been, that forces you to keep marching on, its hope.
We all hope the grass is greener, or the next relationship will be better, or the next job will pay more, or the next move will leave all the other mess behind! It doesn’t!
I’m not saying you should stop hoping, simply accept the things that you have now are more likely to be the things you need rather than things you want! It’s not what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy, it’s what you believe makes you happy.
Life is complicated. It starts before you’re really ready, it continues while you’re still trying to figure it out and it ends just before you’ve finally nailed it! So go figure! We laugh. We cry. We smile. We stumble. We fall. We stand. We fail and we succeed. No one can ruin your day without your permission. Most people will be about as happy as they decide to be. Others can stop you temporarily but only you can do it permanently. Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will end up with. Success stops when you do. The biggest lie in life is the belief that if you get what you want, you’ll be happy. Most often what you need has been right there all the time and most often what you want doesn’t live up to expectations when you finally get it!
The best way to escape any problem is to solve it. Life is disposable to many, in reality it’s a gift. Treasure it. Precious moments don’t have any value, unless you share them with those you care for. Life really is a journey where the destination has not yet been decided! But if you don’t’ stat the strip it pretty blood obvious you won’t finish it either!
We often fear the thing we need the most. Love! Trust me it’s all you’re need but you got to work at it and it sure isn’t free! You have to earn it!
Not everyone is a doctor yet you can still save lives. Not everyone is a lawyer but you can still defend life, not everyone is a soldier but you can still protect life. Or, if that’s all a bit too hard just be yourself! Everyone is a hero to someone! Look for opportunities, not guarantees. Life is what’s coming, not what was. Success is getting up one more time every time you fall on your arse! When things go wrong; don’t go with them! Why follow a bad thing! I read somewhere that a person who questions the purpose of their life might be a fool for five minutes, but a person who doesn’t, is a fool forever. You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to either. Let it go!! Agree to disagree! Who cares! You don’t have to like every person you meet and they don’t have to like you! That’s life! Use your energy for more enjoyable pursuits!
Consider nothing impossible, treat possibilities as probabilities. Remember perfect doesn’t exist. If it did I wouldn’t be writing this! It’s so funny how we set such ridiculous boundaries in our live! Love takes practice, a lot of practice. Who better to practice with than those whom love you!! Life is a matter of choice and love sadly is well, challenging! So unless you make the effort it won’t find you! People have said I’ve changed quite a bit over time. The truth is I think this morning I finally realised I’m a grown up! I’m as scared and as clueless as the next person! I’m foolish, stupid and damn right obnoxious when I want to be! I accept you can’t always be happy. I begrudgingly accepted adulthood!
Let life unfold in its own way and in its own time! Forcing something that is resistant often ends up breaking! Thank God the cracks seemed to have held!!
Is it OK to be scared?……………………Hell yes! Here’s to being a grown up!

How to understand depression

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I found this video doing the rounds on Facebook.

Last year I suffered from depression. To say it was a shock to the system is an understatement.

In a way it was probably one of the best things to happen to me… it made me stop, think and re-evaluate my life. Decide what is important, and what is not.

I have tried in previous posts to describe this time, but this video says it much better than I ever could!

True story

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I do not have an extraordinary life.     

I have won, I have lost, I have had my heart broken, I have broken hearts.

I have made mistakes, I have cried, I have laughed and I have failed in glorious fashion.

Sometimes I have been in utter despair, sometimes in absolute joy.

I have thought that no-one else in the world thinks like me, cares like me, understands me.   I have learned that this is not true.  

My life is not extraordinary.  

My life is simply true.

No regrets

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Regret is a punishment that we give ourselves.   It is the inability to accept that we have tried the very best we could in circumstances in our past.   There is no use wishing for a different outcome, a different reaction, a different situation, we have to accept what has gone and move forward.

We have to accept that our choice, whether right or wrong was the choice that WE made, no-one forced us… we made our choice and we have to accept that at the time it was a decision that felt right to us, whatever our reasons, whether it be fear, guilt or frustration.

I found this quote that sums it up quite nicely:

“If you followed your heart, then whatever the outcome, you acted bravely, and deserve to feel pride not regret. Try to understand and accept that it is impossible to foresee every potential outcome in any scenario. It is also impossible to know what results the alternative choice may have brought. You trusted your intuition, and even though you may not like the results that this action brought, undoubtedly you can learn and grow from the situation.”

There really is no point in tearing ourselves apart because of regret… we cannot change our past decisions and we have to accept our position or situation as it is and move forward.   In the end the only person who is punishing us is ourselves.

Some write the music.. others write the words

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words and music

Image thanks to Lushquotes.com

Some write the music … others write the words … some dance…others just listen.

Being different people with different ways of feeling and expressing emotion is one of the most beautiful things about being human. When we are open to our hearts music and poetry are the most popular way of expressing emotion and occasionally we hear a song that stirs our heart and evokes a long hidden feeling or memory or we see words on a page that speak to us, or speak for us.

Life is very much like a beautiful song that we all want to sing … sometimes we go off tune, sometimes we forget the words, but it doesn’t really matter as every song will have a meaning to us, what we decide to do with the middle bit is up to us … learn the words, change the words, add a score, slow it down… it is our choice.

Sometimes we hear a beautiful rhythm but cannot get our words to fit no matter how we try .. in the end if we try too hard we either  lose part of the beauty of the music .. or the meaning of the words.

Nothing should be forced, rhythms should come together naturally, but with music and with rhyme, if it doesn’t then we need to accept that and carry on searching.

The beat goes on……..


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It has been interesting watching the run up to 12/12/12 .. lots of messages and comments on facebook about how we will never see this day again because of the uniqueness of the date …

Great .. in a way it is true .. but we seem to have forgotten one BIG thing … every day is unique, we will never see today again, as we can never recapture yesterday again!

Sometimes we all (and I have been guilty of this many times!) hang onto the past, make our judgement about people and life based on our past experiences.  This is often no bad thing, after all there is no greater teacher than experience BUT sometimes we let it cloud our vision, cloud our thoughts and feelings in a negative way that in the end only results in us losing out.

Our thoughts about the past cause us to imagine what might happen in the future, what we might expect, what we might feel … we hold onto anger and to upset far too long and in reality the only person who suffers is ourselves.

Today, since the date is special, why not make a decision to let things go, face up to what we really think and feel, without judgement and take a big step forward.    No-one can do this for us, it has to come from within.

the past


The crossroad of life


Picture from blog.peacockandpaisley.comThere are many crossroads in life.  Some we pass through without realising, until we look back at our past, at others we have to decide what is the best route for us to follow.

Often we meet the same choices at different times in our life, but each time we reach this point the road we choose will,  more often than not, be different.  As it should be.  If it never changes, we never grow, develop, become.

Today has been one of those days for me.. I think, deep down, I knew it was coming but this weekend I have a lot of thinking to do.  I have been fighting with my conscience and my need over the past few months and much more so over the last week, but today a comment made me realise that perhaps the decision I have been in a quandry over is actually what is needed.

I am not sure if this was a flippant comment made in anger, or whether it is something that has been thought about and discussed in circles that I am not part of.  I suspect it may be the latter.

Whatever .. maybe it is time for a change, I need to stop this feeling of flatlining .. I seem to get this feeling when I know something has to change, it is buried deep inside me, almost like an inside knowledge, it comes to the fore when I accept it.

I tend to run from things where I am not wanted .. I guess it is my defence mechanism kicking in .. I prefer to walk rather than being pushed.

I am tired fighting against the wind .. I think I will just surrender to it and see where it takes me.

There is a life out there, not just an existence .. I think I need to find it.





Expectation and Acceptance

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photo by hto2008

All of us have expectations from life, love and ourselves that we try to accomplish and reach every day of our lives.

From the moment we are born we are in a world where expectations of us, by us and by others effects everything we do, every decision we make and every moment we breathe.

As we meander down our path of life we will often fall short of these expectations, whether we choose to or inadvertently do so.  This is life.



This is the wonderful crazy world we live in where expectations will lead to disappointment in reality.

As people, the pressure of expectation from others but more importantly from ourselves is the driving force that pushes us ahead in life, keeps us going, keeps us human.

We will never receive all we expect from life or from someone and the balance between expectation and acceptance can be a battle that will never be won.

When we can accept that we will never reach all that is expected of us, professionally or emotionally then the world seems a much friendly place.

Not everyone will accept that their expectation of us is unrealistic, not everyone will accept differences but that is their attitude and one thing that we cannot expect to change, we just have to accept it.

I know that from previous experiences in life that I have often failed peoples expectation of me and more importantly what I have expected from myself. There is little I can about this apart from accept it.    I realised today that throughout all my previous relationships and failures the one common factor in this is me.

I have two choices now .. do I beat myself up about it, or accept it for what it is?

I have decided to accept it.   The past is in the past, I cannot change it and, in a way, I really do not want to.   I have learned lessons that will allow me to continue to evolve as the imperfect person that I am.

I am happy to accept that.

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