Slow Down

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I am learning to do this, although admittedly because of my dodgy hips and back, rather through choice… slowly but surely my peace is returning and clarity returning!

Memories and leaky eyes

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A memory came up on my time line on Facebook today… it was a happy occasion, the wedding of my very good friends Zoe and Leanne.

I took their ceremony and by the time the evening guests arrived (including Ros)… I was very drunk! Which is very unusual for me, I rarely drink!

Poor Ros was on driving duty that night… (the ONLY time)… and as you can see, she wasn’t to happy about it! Even less so the next day when I didn’t want to get out of bed!

It’s such a shame that cancer stole her life in November 2022 at only 52 years old. She was the bravest and most caring woman I ever knew… even if she could put me in my place!

My Ros. My wife. I miss her.

Calm shores

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A happy memory of Brae on a beach

I feel deeply and I think deeply. This is both a curse and a blessing.

I sometimes step back from delving deep into my thoughts and feelings, just leaving them lying dormant behind a wall of keeping myself busy so my thoughts and focus are on anyone or anything apart from me.

This is my self preservation. My comfort blanket that stops the hurt and sometimes negative thoughts and doubt from over whelming me.

I know I close down, I know I exist instead of live. I know all this, but still I do it, it’s my way.

Then something simple happens, a conversation with a kindred spirit, who understands what it is like to face deep thoughts… and suddenly my own deep thoughts don’t feel so overwhelming… and all of a sudden I can really think again… and it is not as scary or painful as I thought it would be.

The waves of hurt that used to crash down on me have ebbed… calm shores have returned and I’m so relieved.

Life still has much to offer and although I still doubt I have the emotional strength or will to ever want a partner or a relationship again, I realise that there are still great people out there that can touch my life in a special way and right now, that’s huge!

Kick Start

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Well… it is time I grabbed my feather duster and cleared out the dust in here!

My poor blog has been sadly ignored for far too long. There are a hundred reasons that will become clearer as my posts appear. In many ways it’s been a tough time emotionally, physically and mentally… but even though I continued writing during all of this, most of my thoughts were not for my blog.

Anyhoo… I have decided to finish reading my “personal” words and then delete them…I have been guilty of holding on to thoughts and people who belong in the past and do not deserve a place in my life. It is my own fault, I tend to see the good in people and obviously suffered from colour blindness when it came to red flags!

I have been guilty of false love. Loving a woman who didn’t really exist… just a chameleon, who changed with the wind, and proved to be s liar. This false love stopped me from really opening my heart to a woman who truly deserved it. I was too scared.

There are things that happen in life that we cannot fix, I did love this woman and we did marry. Even though I said No many times, Ros never gave up. Not even when cancer had her screaming in pain. When she received her terminal diagnosis, her first words to me were “well, you can’t say no now”… and I didn’t.

We married in a small ceremony in the hospice gardens at the Queen Margaret Hospice in August 2022 and it was at the hospice that Ros passed the following November.

I loved Ros, I still do, but she deserved so much more of my heart and for that I will always feel guilty.

I have been asked if I think I will have another relationship… and the answer is no. I do not have the emotional strength to face another relationship, I’m worn out with emotions, I really don’t think I have enough in me to succeed in a relationship.

On top of all of this, I am also now disabled. The arthritis in my hips can hopefully be helped by having both hips replaced but there is nothing that can be done for my hands and spine…. I feel like an emotional and physical liability, I wouldn’t wish me on anyone.

So…. I shall learn to love me and spend the rest of my life simply pleasing myself. Selfish, maybe, I see it as self preservation

Full of good intentions…

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I have a lovely quiet week workwise this week … I don’t often have them, so I treasure the times when I can just doodle around as I feel …

Ros is away on holiday to Arran with her aunt until Saturday, so I thought I would make the most of my time by catching up with all the little jobs needing done … I have turned my spare room into a dvd/sports room (got rid of the bed and bought a sofa bed) … and also a room where I can practice my yoga and pilates … which I decided to do today ….

… well … that was the plan …

Sprout decided yoga looked fun … I had to give up in the end


I am who I am …

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I had a very deep conversation with one of my longstanding friends tonight … albeit online rather than face to face or on the phone.

We have been friends for many, many years and have seen each other through huge successes and huge failures.   Our lives have changed many times over the years but what has remained constant is our friendship.

It got me thinking …

Looking back on my life I can see the bits of me that have changed and developed over the years.  It has not been a conscious decision to change, it has just happened.    Perhaps with a little help from hindsight and the odd mistake or two.

What I wanted when I was younger, is not what a I want now.    Making lots of money, or climbing into someone’s bed just does not appeal to me now.   Hell, I’ve made loads of money, lost it and survived.   The same with women …  it all adds up to phases in our lives.

There have been times when I have felt I could rule the world (and I wanted to!), and there have been others where I have wanted to run away and curl up into a small ball and let things pass me by.

There are times when I should have spoken out .. and there are times when I should have kept my mouth shut (I’m not very good at that!) …

I can’t say I have become wiser … what is wisdom anyway .. apart from a series of lessons learned .. but I have become more honest .. and discovered that not everyone likes that.

I have learned that no matter how much you think you can trust someone, the only person you can .. is yourself.

I have also been lucky enough to hit complete rock bottom … I know this is a strange thing to say .. especially as at the time it was the darkest place I have ever experienced … nothing made sense … nothing made me happy … I functioned, I didn’t live.

That probably taught me the best lesson of all … who stood by me .. and who didn’t … who could handle me at my worst.. and who couldn’t …

All of it.. the highs and the lows .. have brought me to who I am today … and I am very comfortable and happy with that … my life has completely changed… I have had to make sacrifices but I have done it … I have come through the other side … I have found peace, I have found contentment.. not through finding god  (I am not religious!).. but through finding me and what I need.





Words from my cousin

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284890_10150275095987902_6724930_nThese are words from my beautiful cousin Emma …. she lives in New Zealand and in October I am going over there to conduct her wedding to her wonderful woman Ange ….

I love this …

Lately I’ve been looking back, remembering lost loved ones, how I meet my friends, my family, the good and the bad, my childhood and the things that have given me great joy and the things that have pained me. I rejoiced in my good choices and frowned at my less than honourable moments! I was reminded of the people who inspire me and of the friends new and old, who have laughed and cried with me.
I decided a long time ago to never fear death; I had danced with it once too often! I never concerned myself with the “what if’s”, “the maybes”, “could haves” or the “can’t do’s”. I have with apparent ease accepted that life at some point comes to an inevitable end and that death was the unavoidable conclusion of a life well lived. But for reasons God only knows this morning I selfishly wondered why I had spent my life fighting battles, why I had waged war on wrong doing and why I had dedicated my life to serving others.
What had I achieved? The world was still a bad place right?
You see I never believed myself to be a fearful person; I was brave, strong, uncompromising in my beliefs and steadfast in the face of diversity. But today I was scared. Today I had forgotten why I do what I do. I started to question myself, had I done enough, been enough, given enough, believed enough. Loved enough! I wasn’t sure. If I hadn’t, was there enough time left to be better, to be stronger, and to be more caring, more forgiving or could I have the courage to simply stop worrying about it!
You see I recently meet someone who reminded me what it means to be passionate about the things you hold dear, someone who reconnected me with dreams I thought long lost. Talking with them reminded me of the things I am yet to do and rekindled old fires within me that I had let burnout. This has taken me out of my current comfort zone! Now I don’t regret meeting them, far from it. I am thankful. In a way, their life, passions and aspirations mirrored mine. But connecting with someone whom compels you to contemplate or review your life is not without it burdens!
If I have learned one thing in this life it is this. Bad things are always going to happen and most often to the nicest of people. People will hurt you but you can’t use that as an excuse to give up or to hurt someone back. Society condemns that which is different, that which threatens the “traditional” norms. Fear inhibits progress and hate prohibits freedom.
I have learned that forgiveness, unlike bitterness is never easy. Sometimes, people say things they don’t mean or do things they can’t take back. In turn we sometimes do the same. We’re all afraid of something! Me; I ‘m afraid of spiders, drowning, letting go of past hurts and on occasion not being wise enough! But I’ve learned this – It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or even where you’ve been, that forces you to keep marching on, its hope.
We all hope the grass is greener, or the next relationship will be better, or the next job will pay more, or the next move will leave all the other mess behind! It doesn’t!
I’m not saying you should stop hoping, simply accept the things that you have now are more likely to be the things you need rather than things you want! It’s not what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy, it’s what you believe makes you happy.
Life is complicated. It starts before you’re really ready, it continues while you’re still trying to figure it out and it ends just before you’ve finally nailed it! So go figure! We laugh. We cry. We smile. We stumble. We fall. We stand. We fail and we succeed. No one can ruin your day without your permission. Most people will be about as happy as they decide to be. Others can stop you temporarily but only you can do it permanently. Whatever you are willing to put up with is exactly what you will end up with. Success stops when you do. The biggest lie in life is the belief that if you get what you want, you’ll be happy. Most often what you need has been right there all the time and most often what you want doesn’t live up to expectations when you finally get it!
The best way to escape any problem is to solve it. Life is disposable to many, in reality it’s a gift. Treasure it. Precious moments don’t have any value, unless you share them with those you care for. Life really is a journey where the destination has not yet been decided! But if you don’t’ stat the strip it pretty blood obvious you won’t finish it either!
We often fear the thing we need the most. Love! Trust me it’s all you’re need but you got to work at it and it sure isn’t free! You have to earn it!
Not everyone is a doctor yet you can still save lives. Not everyone is a lawyer but you can still defend life, not everyone is a soldier but you can still protect life. Or, if that’s all a bit too hard just be yourself! Everyone is a hero to someone! Look for opportunities, not guarantees. Life is what’s coming, not what was. Success is getting up one more time every time you fall on your arse! When things go wrong; don’t go with them! Why follow a bad thing! I read somewhere that a person who questions the purpose of their life might be a fool for five minutes, but a person who doesn’t, is a fool forever. You don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to either. Let it go!! Agree to disagree! Who cares! You don’t have to like every person you meet and they don’t have to like you! That’s life! Use your energy for more enjoyable pursuits!
Consider nothing impossible, treat possibilities as probabilities. Remember perfect doesn’t exist. If it did I wouldn’t be writing this! It’s so funny how we set such ridiculous boundaries in our live! Love takes practice, a lot of practice. Who better to practice with than those whom love you!! Life is a matter of choice and love sadly is well, challenging! So unless you make the effort it won’t find you! People have said I’ve changed quite a bit over time. The truth is I think this morning I finally realised I’m a grown up! I’m as scared and as clueless as the next person! I’m foolish, stupid and damn right obnoxious when I want to be! I accept you can’t always be happy. I begrudgingly accepted adulthood!
Let life unfold in its own way and in its own time! Forcing something that is resistant often ends up breaking! Thank God the cracks seemed to have held!!
Is it OK to be scared?……………………Hell yes! Here’s to being a grown up!

How to understand depression

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I found this video doing the rounds on Facebook.

Last year I suffered from depression. To say it was a shock to the system is an understatement.

In a way it was probably one of the best things to happen to me… it made me stop, think and re-evaluate my life. Decide what is important, and what is not.

I have tried in previous posts to describe this time, but this video says it much better than I ever could!

True story

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I do not have an extraordinary life.     

I have won, I have lost, I have had my heart broken, I have broken hearts.

I have made mistakes, I have cried, I have laughed and I have failed in glorious fashion.

Sometimes I have been in utter despair, sometimes in absolute joy.

I have thought that no-one else in the world thinks like me, cares like me, understands me.   I have learned that this is not true.  

My life is not extraordinary.  

My life is simply true.

No regrets

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Regret is a punishment that we give ourselves.   It is the inability to accept that we have tried the very best we could in circumstances in our past.   There is no use wishing for a different outcome, a different reaction, a different situation, we have to accept what has gone and move forward.

We have to accept that our choice, whether right or wrong was the choice that WE made, no-one forced us… we made our choice and we have to accept that at the time it was a decision that felt right to us, whatever our reasons, whether it be fear, guilt or frustration.

I found this quote that sums it up quite nicely:

“If you followed your heart, then whatever the outcome, you acted bravely, and deserve to feel pride not regret. Try to understand and accept that it is impossible to foresee every potential outcome in any scenario. It is also impossible to know what results the alternative choice may have brought. You trusted your intuition, and even though you may not like the results that this action brought, undoubtedly you can learn and grow from the situation.”

There really is no point in tearing ourselves apart because of regret… we cannot change our past decisions and we have to accept our position or situation as it is and move forward.   In the end the only person who is punishing us is ourselves.

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