A memory came up on my time line on Facebook today… it was a happy occasion, the wedding of my very good friends Zoe and Leanne.
I took their ceremony and by the time the evening guests arrived (including Ros)… I was very drunk! Which is very unusual for me, I rarely drink!
Poor Ros was on driving duty that night… (the ONLY time)… and as you can see, she wasn’t to happy about it! Even less so the next day when I didn’t want to get out of bed!
It’s such a shame that cancer stole her life in November 2022 at only 52 years old. She was the bravest and most caring woman I ever knew… even if she could put me in my place!
The last four years have been been life … and death changing.
After the heartache of losing a woman I loved with all my heart due to her lies snd cheating, I was a bit cynical about women and after having a couple of disastrous dates, I decided to give up and just stay single.
The day I went online to cancel subscriptions to a couple of lesbian dating sites, I noticed a message from a woman, who just happened to live locally.
To cut a long story short, we decided to meet for lunch at a local beach side cafe, in Aberdour. Ros had just come out of an abusive relationship and so we both had a lot of hurt and trust issues… but perhaps we recognised that the hurt of our pasts somehow bonded us… and our lunch meet became our first date!
Little did we know then that our journey together was going to be life changing, in more ways than one.
A year into our relationship, Lockdown happened and it was then that we decided that Ros should move in with me.
Just 6 months later, Ros was diagnosed with stage 3 endometrial cancer…. And so began a new journey.
Ros had to undergo a huge operation, that caused additional problems and caused a delay to her chemo and radiotherapy treatment. In the middle of all this her mum passed, and with the exception of just s few of her family, her relatives were downright disgusting. Ros came through this with dignity and strength, that left me in awe of her.
Then my mum became ill and eventually a place had to be found for her in a care home. Thankfully she settled in well and it was one less thing to worry about.
Unfortunately, my arthritis decided to make life even more difficult… and my mobility is now badly effected, leaving me only able to walk short distances with crutches.
Just after this happened, Ros’s cancer returned and this time it was terminal. Ros had asked me numerous times to marry her… I had always said no… but when she was told she was terminal, she gave me no choice and so in August 2022 we married in the hospice gardens. The next few months were a cycle of Ros coming home, being in tremendous pain, or drugged up to such a level that she couldn’t function. It was hard for Ros and hard for me… the emotions switched from sadness through frustration to anger and despair. The medication removed a huge part of reasoning but without it Ros was in agony.
Through all of this I was working full time, running her to appointments or visiting the hospice, all while trying to juggle the dogs and visiting my mum… and I found it tough.. both emotionally and physically. Sometimes I felt I was going to break, I had never found life so tough… then I stepped back and realised how selfish my thoughts were… and that is when the guilt started. I was tired, but Ros was dying. I was frustrated but she was scared… and I couldn’t do anything to fix that.
Ros passed peacefully in November. Myself, her niece Natalie and her gf Laura were by her side for days and nights… Ros didn’t wake for 4 days and when Ros did pass, it was in the middle of laughter… I like to think she could still hear us… and I tell everyone she died laughing, I like to think she did.
This is my photo tribute to the kindest, bravest and sometimes most annoying woman I knew… and loved.
Ros on our wedding day
When we first metOur last wee break away together to Duck Bay, Loch LomondMy friends and Ros’s ashes completing a sponsored walk she planned to doThe scattering of Ros’s ashes
I was chatting with my friend Stuart over a wee drink last night. Stuart and I have been friends since we were 3 or 4 years old, nearly half a century! … as toddlers, children and teenagers we kept a close friendship .. so much so that our parents thought we would get married! … it was never anything more than a friendship, we just had a bond from a very early age .. and that bond was that we were both gay.
Stuart left Scotland in his teens to live and work in Italy (he went over on a summer break from university and never came back!)… I went off to join the army but we kept in contact and always met up if we happened to be in Scotland at the same time on holiday.
We have both had some great times in life, some tragic times, Stuart more so than me when his partner of many years died suddenly and it was a tough time in more ways than one for him at that time.
We were chatting last night about our lives, how things have changed recently, especially for me, and how we have found ourselves in settled and contented place in our individual lives.
We also talked about people we knew, and regrets that we had .. and funny enough both of us did not really have any regrets. For Stuart, obviously he missed his ex partner, but he had moved on, accepting and, although keeping memories in his heart, had moved on from the pain.
For me, my biggest regret is not having the courage to walk away from the life I was living years ago, and start to build a life that I want, and indeed, in many ways, need, for me to be happy.
I think back over the years and would I go back and change anything else … well.. No. The experiences I have gone through, good and bad, have all been part of the journey that I am on … and I do not want or need to look back over my shoulder.
I am moving forward, at my own pace, on my own path … and I am looking forward to discovering what lies ahead and perhaps seeing things through new eyes and a little bit more knowledge!
Regret is a punishment that we give ourselves. It is the inability to accept that we have tried the very best we could in circumstances in our past. There is no use wishing for a different outcome, a different reaction, a different situation, we have to accept what has gone and move forward.
We have to accept that our choice, whether right or wrong was the choice that WE made, no-one forced us… we made our choice and we have to accept that at the time it was a decision that felt right to us, whatever our reasons, whether it be fear, guilt or frustration.
I found this quote that sums it up quite nicely:
“If you followed your heart, then whatever the outcome, you acted bravely, and deserve to feel pride not regret. Try to understand and accept that it is impossible to foresee every potential outcome in any scenario. It is also impossible to know what results the alternative choice may have brought. You trusted your intuition, and even though you may not like the results that this action brought, undoubtedly you can learn and grow from the situation.”
There really is no point in tearing ourselves apart because of regret… we cannot change our past decisions and we have to accept our position or situation as it is and move forward. In the end the only person who is punishing us is ourselves.
I hate to admit this .. but .. <gulp!> I am not always right …
Over the years I have made decisions that have made me the person I am today. I have no real regrets about these decisions but when I look back I know that some of them were not the best for me, mainly because I allowed myself to be convinced by other people at the time that they were.
As I have grown older and wiser <cough!!> through work and life I have realised that when you have to convince someone into making a decision then what you are actually doing is taking away THEIR choice and making them accept what YOU think is right.
If I feel I have to convince someone to accept a job, then I step back and allow them time to make their own mind up. Sometimes the answer I want is not always what I get, but I know, in the long run, that the decision was made by the applicant and I have not forced someone into a job that they will then leave. Leaving me with an unhappy applicant, an unhappy client and an unhappy me!
I am now a very hard woman to convince of anything. Perhaps that is a fault of mine, maybe it is a strength, I really don’t know. All I know is that if I believe in something or someone then no amount of “convincing” will change my mind.
It is futile to try to change anyone’s mind, or make decisions for them. We do have to stand back and allow people to decide what is right for them otherwise we run the risk of being blamed if things do not work out as planned. What we can offer is our support for their decision, whether we like it or not.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 