Brae. A gay woman's tale!

I’ve always been a cautious person with my heart.   I’ve always been cautious with who I let in to see the “whole” of me.

I am a woman of many sides but people sometimes only get to know part of me as I keep the other parts of me hidden and protected.  Sometimes I have made a mistake and let people in only to be left feeling disappointed or hurt with them, but it has all been worthwhile as all the experiences have made me who I am and I am very comfortable with that now.

Often in relationships I have left part of me to one side, part of me that hasn’t shone for a variety of reasons, more often than not I have mothballed my interests in an attempt to change into the person my partner wants me to be.

I have written before about what I now want and how I no longer will compromise on this.  Often I have had to balance with what I want with what I have and in the end it is never enough for me.  I have come to realise that I need someone who can accept and appreciate all of me, someone who understands that some nights I just want to read, or write or be a slob.  I get frustrated with always having to do things that do not interest me and in the end I just stop doing them.

I realise that what I now need is someone “just like me…” who has the same values, interests and thoughts on the world.  I have done the “opposites attract” thing and it’s not for me.  Now I need someone on my wavelength who can discuss the things I really want to talk about .. someone who can be open with feelings BUT cautious and controlled with them until the time is right.  Someone who has felt the pain of a broken heart, has battled life and won and who understands that people need to be themselves in order to grow.  I think I may have found someone….

I wrote this a few months ago … but right now it has never been so relevant …    The Mirror

“To live you have to experiment, to have the ability to experiment you have to have confidence, to have confidence you have to be loved, to be loved you have to love”  Oscar Wilde

Life after a long term relationship can be a scary prospect for all of us.  The whole “doing it alone” experience changes from thinking “us” to thinking “me”.  This effects our life in the most profound ways, from shopping for one to arranging a trip or a holiday to going to bed alone and waking up alone.

For many of us, being alone is a frightening prospect and we have all, at some point, rushed into a relationship to stop the feeling of hurt or loneliness, only to find ourselves in another relationship that is unfulfillable.

I have now settled into single life, I enjoy it.  I can choose my activities (or lack of!), choose what I want to cook (badly!), and choose who I socialise with.   I have met some lovely people who would never have been in my life if I had still been in a relationship.  These “new” friends make me laugh and because many of them are women in the same situation as me, we understand each other and can talk probably better to our new friends than our old ones, many of whom are settled in relationships.

It has taken a few months for me t0 get comfortable with my new life but I know I am in the right place right now.. and that fills me with a confidence I had lost.

For all of us out there who are single, take your time, learn about you and what you want, meet new people, make new friends, begin to live a little.  Through all of this you will have new experiences, some good, some bad, but you will learn and start to live.

Happy singledom ladies!

Sometimes in life you can be lost for words.

Tonight is one of them for me.  A few weeks ago I attended a meet in Chester and met a whole bunch of lovely ladies from PinkSofa.  I chatted to as many as I could (my apologies to those I didn’t quite get round to speaking to!) and had a lovely time.

During this period I spoke to one particular girl, Shan, who is really just taking her first steps into the world of lesbians (and all our follies!), we chatted for half an hour or so and have continued to chat online.

She mentioned one day that my blog had inspired her to keep a record of her own journey  (you can read her blog here A kiss will do).

She has also done something that no-one else in the world has ever done for me .. she has written me a poem!

For me it was surprising and very touching to realise the effect you can have on someone, even after a brief meeting and chat.

Shan published this poem on PinkSofa and a few of my friends from there have commented on it.

I am very touched and privileged that my friendship and blog can mean so much to people.

I thank you all and thank you for being MY friend.

Remember, sometimes just giving someone your time costs nothing and can mean so much.

By Roshan13

For Brae

Brae lives with her dog by the sea
Who likes a hot cup of tea
She lives in a cottage far away
The land up north where you feel the cold
A business woman whom works all day
Smart and interesting in a fun way

We met in Chester for drinks in a Pub
Then some of us went on to a Club
Made new friends, from different places
Brae sat down for a talk with me
It didn’t take long for to see
A strong woman indeed
Who recognises her own needs

A woman in control
With a good soul
Who’s happy on her own
And doesn’t want to be a pawn
Respectful of others including the neighbours
An animal lover
And done many favours

Full of wisdom
And so very proud
Lives alone with no ties
Mind and body all in tact
This is a fact
She is passionate in her work
Needs no disguise and is very wise

She has a wicked sense of humour
With a life full of experience under her belt
A good friend everyone wants to have
She has a blog to share her views and thoughts
With warm and touching stories
From both the past and present
The fans can’t wait for more
I’m sure there is plenty left in store

Today I have been sorting through some of my “stuff” that has been in boxes in the attic for many years.

I have smiled happily at old stuffed teddies (one that is the same age as me!). Smirked and laughed out loud at some of the photos,  and having some really nice thoughts about my past and my friends in those photos.

I then came across a card that I have kept since a friend sent to me on the 25th of August 1999.

The card had me in tears.  During the time that this was sent to me I was going through probably the lowest point in my life after a very painful break up.  I felt stupid, used and worthless.   I think I went through a bout of depression during this time, I’m not sure but I do know I felt very, very low.

A quote from the card reads

“I thought I’d write a wee private note to you .. nothing kinky mind!

I want you to know that despite everything that’s happened you’ve survived, as you always will.  You are probably the bravest, most generous, trusting woman I have ever met and that’s saying something.

Above all else, please remember you are beautiful the way you are and we love you dearly.

London is a phonecall away CJ but you are always in our thoughts… especially your boobies!

Love and my full respect”

The memories of that time are  now a distant memory,  I do remember it hurt me, but in a way I’m glad it happened, it taught me that I am tougher than I thought I was .. and the lessons I learned at that time helped me greatly when I went through a very tough patch in my business life a few years later.

What it also has taught me is that friendship, above all, is the one thing I really treasure.

Marina (who wrote the card) has not always had an easy time, I have tried to be there for her and I hope that in some way I have managed to pay back the debt of friendship that I owe to her.   She truly is one of most caring people I know, I treasure her friendship.  No .. that’s not enough.  I love her friendship.

Since she sent me that card we have both been through a couple of relationships, we have listened to each other, laughed, cried, worried and got very drunk together.. We are still friends and I hope we always will be.

Marina, if you read this, thank you.. you are truly one of very few people I trust completely and I know you will always be there for me. I want you to know that I will always have your back covered… and I have a special quote, just for you;

“If I had one gift that I could give you, my friend, it would be the ability to see yourself as others see you, because only then would you know how extremely special you are.”
~B.A. Billingsly~

Too often we are quick to speak, or act.

Too often we say things that we mean to hurt or punish, or take an action (or no action!) that is inappropriate or deceitful.

Too often we expect that our actions will be forgotten or forgiven where in reality what we say or do can have a long lasting hurtful effect on someone.

Too often we refuse to take responsibility for our actions and refuse to accept that the reaction we receive is because of what we have done or said.

Too often we expect “sorry” to be enough to smooth things over.

I hold my hands up and say I have been guilty of all of the above and I have sometimes paid a heavy price.

I have realised that there is no use in passing the blame to someone who may react badly to what I say or do.

I am currently in a situation where my reaction has caused a great deal of friction.

Am I being stubborn .. probably .. am I hurt .. yes.   I can’t forget that, or sweep it aside just to make someone’s life easier.  I feel of no consequence.  I will not change my mind.