Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Sometimes life is a bitch … and 2018 seemed to want to get one final kick in …

I was looking for a lint roller refill … and at the bottom of the wee cupboard came across the first Valentines cards that my ex and I sent to each other.   I am not usually the type who keeps things like this and I have no idea why I kept them. (By the way, the photo is of me not her!)

In the card I gave to her, as well as a poem, I wrote … “I promise to love you for every moment of forever, and when everything else crumbles, I will never”.

In hers she wrote “Just wanted to tell you what an amazing first year with you has been.  I can say I have never been happier in my life, even with the problems we face.  I feel I finally have met my partner in life, love you more than words can say”

I guess, even then, only one of us was telling the truth.

First of all, I felt my eyes well up … and that sinking feeling in my stomach returned, so I had a ciggie … stared at the photo on the front of the card I sent her (of the two of us laughing at a night out at a working mens club.) and I thought … “fuck you”.

I have been through the stage of remembering all the good times we shared (although she conveniently managed to forget them when she was looking for an excuse for her actions)… and now I am remembering all the shit I put up with.  To be fair, I did do this willingly, because of how I felt about her.  I gave people in her life chances, but once they had fucked me off completely, they learned my boundaries.  I don’t put up with abusive or emotionally manipulative people in my life.   This is something my ex couldn’t seem to do… and in fact seemed to encourage it … it was like she needed to be needed, even if it meant she was being made a fool of.

She also claimed she never spoke to me because she hated confrontation, well … from my point of view I see it as that she didn’t like facing the truth.   The amount of lies and “omissions” I had to put up with is unbelievable… I look back on stuff and think “WTF, why did I believe that!!” …  and anyway, it wouldn’t have fitted in with what she was trying to make herself believe to ease her guilt.

She simply twisted things around to make her look like a victim … in truth she was a liar and a cheat … but no doubt she will be able to justify that too ….

I think she wants forgiveness from me, but I am not prepared to give it … it is time she faced up to who she is and the chaos she leaves in her wake for every whim or ego boost that takes her fancy.

… and so … with an ironic smile and great pleasure … I am ripping these cards up.   I  wasted 3 years of my life, believing that I had found my partner in life … and truly believed we would marry.   Truth is, she never listened to me, when I told her I was having a rough time, it was ignored… and although she was always there for everyone else, when I needed her to understand, she didn’t and I’m not sure if that was deliberate or she was simply incapable of.  I now know she never wanted to marry me … but was not honest enough to be able to tell me…. which hurts more than she will ever be able to comprehend.

On the plus side, I had started an ISA to save for our wedding (what a fool eh!) … I wanted to be able to turn round and surprise her with the wedding of her dreams.   I left the money sitting for a few months, I think in the hope that she would one day come back … but reality hit and I decided there was no point in the money just sitting there … so I have spent it on me! … I’ve decorated the house, bought a new mattress, new rugs and a new coffee table! … as well as things for the caravan.

For all my faults, I have a loyal and honest heart and I certainly did not deserve to be treated the way she treated me.   She once told me that she felt she was not good enough for me … I told her then that she was the best thing that ever happened to me and she was more than good enough.   It seems I was wrong and she was right.

2018 … a year I will be glad to see the back of.

As years go, this has certainly been a tough one for me …. it left me doubting myself and really sitting back and thinking about my life.

It took a long time to realise that people lie and cheat to cover up who they are, not as a reflection of me, but as a reflection of them.

This year has seen me cheated on, lied to, and being on the end of a cruel mouth … three women who have little thought for their own actions and words.

I know I am lucky to be free of all three of them, although sometimes the mind is a cruel friend, and makes you believe that someone is not who they really are.  Reality shows you differently.

2019 will be a year of “real” … no more fake, no more being a stepping stone or being used by women who really need to sort their  lives and their problems out, before they leave even more chaos in their wake.

I have been having a rough time lately.  The battle between my head and heart continues and, once again, I lost my peace.

2018 has not been a good year, full of a lot of personal pain that I am still trying to fight my way through… slowly I am getting there, but there are still days when I fight to get out of bed in the morning.  Thankfully, my work makes me get up and get on with it, but sometimes I could shut the door and lock myself away.

I have decided to change a lot in my life, I bought a new mattress and bedding,  sold the Motorhome, I have bought a beautiful caravan that I am delighted with and unexpectedly bought a new car too! … I didn’t intend to, but had a call from the garage where I bought my Qashqai from telling me of a deal on a second hand Nissan X Trail with only 7k miles on the clock.   The monthly payments actually work out at £2 less a month, and it is a better vehicle for towing (and a 4 x 4 which means I can escape the lane when it snows!)… I have also had my living room, hall and bathroom redecorated … and my bedroom and office will be having a facelift in the new year (once I can decided on the colours!).

I know I need to put the hurt and frustration of 2018 behind me … perhaps all these changes will help me find a wee bit of confidence in myself and my ability to see people for who they really are.

I have also decided to concentrate on myself.   This year I have had to deal with lies and cheating, drunkeness and temper tantrums, which were very cruel.   I am not prepared to put up with any of this in my life.

I may have lost my peace for now but I know it will return.   I just need to take care of me and let karma deal with the rest.