Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Some days, no matter what you do, things go wrong … I am not exactly reknowned for my patience when I am the one to blame for mishaps and today was no exception.

On the plus side I did manage to write two tributes … but both were hard work and I still can’t shake this feeling of being so weary!

I then decided to fiddle around with Alice (not as dodgy as it sounds … Alice is my motorhome) … I have a problem with the lights not working on 12v or on mains and me and yesterday my pal Jane couldn’t work out if the fridge is working or not… there is no indicator light to show.

Anyway after huffing and puffing for half an hour to try to get the fuse box lid thing off I gave up in a strop (under a cloud of lots of swear words!) … not that I would really want to touch the fuses anyway as I am a bit funny with electrics (I don’t even change a plug) … but I thought if I could see what type of fuse it needed, I could ask my brother to do it.

But no matter how I tried my hands just wouldn’t work properly to get it off … it is awkward but more nimble fingers are needed…. I had the same problem earlier with the curtains .. I wanted to take them off to wash them, but can’t get my fingers into the right angle to get it off the funny wee clips that motorhomes have.

I flung a strop … one of my “why can’t I do this” strops … I hate getting old and not being able to do the things I used to do and between my back and my hands I really am getting annoyed with myself.  Sometimes I just need to vent … this is one of those times.

For the past few months I have been full of disbelief, anger, jealousy and hurt.   It has been tough to cope with and at times I have wanted to scream.

My friends who have listened to me, know exactly how confused I was … and I seemed to bounce from one emotion to another and I found it hard to control at times.

But slowly things are sliding away, the hurt and confusion slowly passed to a deep pain of losing someone I truly loved and in many ways still do.  There are times when I just wish I could wipe everything from the 1st of February away and just be held as I cry.

I have been through the “if only” and the “I hope you realise you have made a mistake” stages … until I found out about the other woman … what the truth is there, I will probably never know … and it is a huge slap in the face, that really cut me to the core …  but through it all, I still loved although I  accept that no matter what I want, I know things could never be as they were.

But… when all the negative emotions pass, you are left with your true feelings and no matter what happened, beneath it all these are the feelings that count.   I have to accept that part of me still loves the woman I thought I knew, even though all my trust was smashed to pieces.

In a way, how I feel now gives me a strange kind of peace and, for now, I will just accept that. My heart is a traitor to my common sense, but I do know that, in time, that too will pass.

My life is heading in a new direction, that sometimes I am forcing myself to head on, because anything is better than sitting at home wishing for what can never be … but I know myself well enough to realise that if, and when, someone new stumbles into my life, that I will trust again, and I will love again, my heart is big enough to cope.

Just home after a very lovely day … first of all I managed to secure a ticket for Lfest in Llandudno in July … so Sprout and I will be making the long journey down to Wales in Alice Alice!  There is quite a few people going that I know, so it will be good to catch up!

Also today I popped up to Perthshire with Alice Alice to visit my friends Jane and Jacky and Jane very kindly took me through a lot of the working of Alice Alice that I didn’t know! … and Jacky very kindly fed with with lovely home made soup and toasties!

Sprout had a ball … and came away with a new harness that worked a treat on the way home!

I have also had fun applying a couple of graphics to Alice Alice this morning … still one to come but so far she is looking great.   I am delighted to have so much going on over the next couple of months… better start saving my pennies!!

I had good news yesterday, “the lump” has turned out to be nothing worse than a cyst.

My great pal Beck came with me to the hospital and sat and laughed with me during a very long wait … taking my mind of the reason I was there.

I came home and couldn’t believe how tired I felt.  I have not been sleeping well over the past couple of months for a variety of reasons and obviously was more worried about my lump that I thought I was.   I took myself to bed and slept like a baby!… today I feel great, the best I have felt in months.

All the heartache and worry has gone … maybe acceptance has set in, or maybe I am just looking forward to discovering new paths and destinations.   Whatever the reason, today I am glad to be alive and once again have a sparkle in my eyes and a smile on my face.

I have lots of plans, old friends to see, new friends to make and new destinations to arrive at!

Life and love are never easy.  Often we love someone who we think will be in our lives forever.   This is not always true.

We can love someone with all our hearts, to us they are perfect, the one we want to grow old with and spend the rest of our lives with.  Their love for us is enough, all we wanted.

The trouble is, we don’t often consider if we are enough for them.   No matter how much we love someone, sometimes the way we love and live our lives is not what they need or want.

This is not a reflection on any failing by you or them … it is just a fact of life.

We can be angry and upset when the person we love rejects us, but love is not all about one person.

We cannot help who we fall in love with, we cannot make someone fall in love with us… and no matter how hard this is, it is a realisation we have to accept.

But, for someone we will be enough, everything they ever wanted.  We just have to hope that we meet them.

At some point or another all of us will suffer heartache.  Whether it be from the death of someone close, a pet or the end of a relationship.

Grieving is a necessary part of the process.  We need to take time to remember, regret and celebrate many things that we have lost.

There is no denying that these times are hard.   The pain is all consuming and your mind never finds peace.

Grieving over a loss is not a bad thing, and there is no time limit on how long this will last… but we have to remember not to wallow in it.

It does mean we have to refocus our life, the “We” changes to “I” and future plans have to be tweaked.

It is during our hardest times that we find ourselves looking inside … finding out what our dreams really are and what we really want from life.

Sometimes we jump into relationships too soon (In my younger days I was very guilty of that!) … never taking time to work what I really wanted.   Then I had my first real heartbreak … and boy, did that make me stop and think!

I learned to take time, not to jump, to stop using people to cover my pain.  I learned to take time, let my peace return and to just let things happen…. and after each hurt, my life became better because I learned.

It is a big lesson this time again … but at last I am refocusing … I have other issues in my life that require my attention at little bit more than my healing heart at the moment and they shall now take priority.

As the good old “flower of Scotland” song says … “and in the past they must remain” … and so they shall.

Life changes.

One minute you are travelling along, dealing with what life flings at you, but happy and content in many other ways.

Then it changes.   You find yourself at a loss to understand why, nothing makes sense and you find yourself in a place of disbelief, frustration and a deep sadness that tears you apart.

Then the realisation hits you that no matter what you had done, no matter how different you had been.  The end result would still have been the same.

Life goes on, you fight the hurt and the pain, and on top of the battles you are already fighting quietly in yourself, this takes you to a new low .. a low where you want to scream and shout and cry and disappear from the world for a time.

Then your balance begins to return, the waves of anguish and the clouds of darkness begin to disappear and suddenly you find yourself laughing again and looking forward to new adventures.

Whether I meet someone else or not doesn’t really matter … but if I do, the next woman I love needs to understand a few things about me.

1. Emotionally my job can be draining.  When I am busy I need to take time out.  I need my quiet time either on my own, or just sitting in someone’s company.
2. I am not controlling.   However I do need to know plans in advance so I can organise my diary.  I am self employed with no set hours.  I need to work, but I need someone strong enough to say, stop.  Sometimes I take on too much.
3. I don’t always want to do the same things as my partner.  But I would never stop them doing exactly what they wanted to do.  I expect the same consideration back, and a little understanding that sometimes I simply do not want to socialise.
4. If I have something to say, I say it.  I don’t tend to frill things up.  It is not meant to be hurtful, I say things as they are.  If I find a situation uncomfortable or awkward, I will simply remove myself from it.
5. Baggage.  We all have baggage, I am more than happy to help carry my partners baggage, as long as she is prepared to start unpacking at some point.
6. I want a grown up relationship.  One where we can plan ahead, possibly live together and build a life together.  I want to be a commitment to someone, not a part time play thing to fit in around the rest of their life.
7. I do not want to be needed.   I want to be wanted, there is a difference.
8. Intimacy.  Sometimes, if I am struggling I tend to shy away from intimacy.  This is a reflection of how I feel about myself.  I don’t need nagging, huffing or judged for this.  I feel bad enough already.  There are times when I want to be held, just held without the pressure of having to take it further.
9. I want to meet my partners friends.  Not treated like a dirty little secret. I want someone who is proud to be with me, as I am about her.
10. People are not always what they seem.  I want honesty.

Too much to ask for … maybe … but the great thing about life is that you never know what is around the corner. Life goes on … and so do I.

I have had a bit of a miserable time of it lately, and life sometimes just seemed a very dark place.

Sometimes I feel that life is overwhelming and there is no end to the waves that crash over me.

Then as I begin to surface and catch my breath, and I see what is happening all around me.   Some very great acts of kindness … flowers and card from a woman who wanted to thank me for taking the funeral of her dad, but also because she knew I was having a tough time.

A beautiful owl lamp from a bunch of ex army women from the Wirral as a thank you for me organising our annual reunion in Fort William.

A stunning hand made cushion cover from a friend who just wanted to make me smile.

Friends who have visited, or simply listened to me as I poured my heart out trying to make sense of so many things.

But for all the kindness that people have shown me… there is one great gift I have been given that was totally unexpected.

It was the gift of friendship from my new friend Deb.    We didn’t really know each other, even though we were friends on Facebook.   A year or so back she asked on Facebook if anyone had a track by George Michael … and I did … I copied it onto a CD and sent it to her… and really thought no more about it.

Since my recent break up, Deb has been there every step of the way.   We both were going through much the same experience and suffering the same hurt… and perhaps it was that that bonded us… but she has put up with my dodgy sense of humour, my moaning, my frustration and my tears … and although we have never met I do know that I class her as a close friend.  For some reason, she was the one I could really speak to … and it was perhaps because of that, that she would tell me things straight! no punches held back … Even if she still cannot convince me that her chicken wasn’t burnt!

Thank you to you all … but a very big special thank to Deb … a new friend and shoulder and I hope that one day I can repay your friendship.

Karen making daisy chains, Me looking confused … and ummm … jeez .. her name slips me .. one of the “Seagulls!”

Today I had a lovely chat with an old friend from my Croydon days … we did catch up around 5 years ago, but as sometimes happens, friends slip into the background.

The most fantastic thing is that she is a motorhome owner and has a small dog! … we had a very brief catch up as I had to go to take a funeral, but we are planning to speak more over this weekend, to catch up more and to plan a wee holiday with our  motorhomes and dogs!

I cannot tell you how much this brightened my mood.  I have not been in the best frame of mind lately and it will be fantastic to meet up … we had some laughs way back then …

Our friendship started way back in 1993, in the “Frog and Nightgown” in the Elephant and Castle in London … I was with a group of friends and Karen came over to speak to someone at a table next to us.

Karen was dressed in thigh length boots … being the classy woman that I am, I turned around, stuck my cigarette packet in the top of her boots and said “hold them for me love” … she said I fascinated her because no-one have ever spoken to her with such disrespect before! … Later that night the DJ announced that she had to pull out of a planned trip to the Women’s Tennis in Eastbourne (four of us had planned to go) … and that if anyone wanted to take her place, they would have to share a room with me!

Karen volunteered.

Karen picked me up to take me to Eastbourne, in her classic open topped sports car … I was blown away!

We had a great week of laughter with two other friends…  and clubbing at the pubs and swimming pool in Eastbourne, it was full of gay women and a great atmosphere. Although it night two before we realised that the “seagull” noises from next door, were not seagulls at all! *grin*

On our last day, we didn’t stay for the final, but wanted to come back for London Pride … as we stood outside the stadium saying our goodbyes, I was leaning against Karen’s car when Martina Navatalova, Billie Jean King and some other women walked past.  Martina looked at me and said “nice car” … and I said ….. “thank you!

Karen was not happy that I did not come clean … but no way was I going to say “it’s not mine, it’s my friends!”

On our return home we went to London Pride and a couple of days later Karen invited me over to meet two friends of hers who owned a pet shop.   We were sitting chatting around the dinner table and the patio doors were open.  They owned about 8 dogs (I’m not sure how many) … when all of a sudden my feet became wet … I looked under the table to find that a full grown pig had just puked up all over me.

Happy, funny days … and I so look forward to seeing her again.