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I’ve been a crabbit auld witch today

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Some days, no matter what you do, things go wrong … I am not exactly reknowned for my patience when I am the one to blame for mishaps and today was no exception.

On the plus side I did manage to write two tributes … but both were hard work and I still can’t shake this feeling of being so weary!

I then decided to fiddle around with Alice (not as dodgy as it sounds … Alice is my motorhome) … I have a problem with the lights not working on 12v or on mains and me and yesterday my pal Jane couldn’t work out if the fridge is working or not… there is no indicator light to show.

Anyway after huffing and puffing for half an hour to try to get the fuse box lid thing off I gave up in a strop (under a cloud of lots of swear words!) … not that I would really want to touch the fuses anyway as I am a bit funny with electrics (I don’t even change a plug) … but I thought if I could see what type of fuse it needed, I could ask my brother to do it.

But no matter how I tried my hands just wouldn’t work properly to get it off … it is awkward but more nimble fingers are needed…. I had the same problem earlier with the curtains .. I wanted to take them off to wash them, but can’t get my fingers into the right angle to get it off the funny wee clips that motorhomes have.

I flung a strop … one of my “why can’t I do this” strops … I hate getting old and not being able to do the things I used to do and between my back and my hands I really am getting annoyed with myself.  Sometimes I just need to vent … this is one of those times.

When anger and hurt die away

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hurt

For the past few months I have been full of disbelief, anger, jealousy and hurt.   It has been tough to cope with and at times I have wanted to scream.

My friends who have listened to me, know exactly how confused I was … and I seemed to bounce from one emotion to another and I found it hard to control at times.

But slowly things are sliding away, the hurt and confusion slowly passed to a deep pain of losing someone I truly loved and in many ways still do.  There are times when I just wish I could wipe everything from the 1st of February away and just be held as I cry.

I have been through the “if only” and the “I hope you realise you have made a mistake” stages … until I found out about the other woman … what the truth is there, I will probably never know … and it is a huge slap in the face, that really cut me to the core …  but through it all, I still loved although I  accept that no matter what I want, I know things could never be as they were.

But… when all the negative emotions pass, you are left with your true feelings and no matter what happened, beneath it all these are the feelings that count.   I have to accept that part of me still loves the woman I thought I knew, even though all my trust was smashed to pieces.

In a way, how I feel now gives me a strange kind of peace and, for now, I will just accept that. My heart is a traitor to my common sense, but I do know that, in time, that too will pass.

My life is heading in a new direction, that sometimes I am forcing myself to head on, because anything is better than sitting at home wishing for what can never be … but I know myself well enough to realise that if, and when, someone new stumbles into my life, that I will trust again, and I will love again, my heart is big enough to cope.

 

 

What a great day!

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Just home after a very lovely day … first of all I managed to secure a ticket for Lfest in Llandudno in July … so Sprout and I will be making the long journey down to Wales in Alice Alice!  There is quite a few people going that I know, so it will be good to catch up!

Also today I popped up to Perthshire with Alice Alice to visit my friends Jane and Jacky and Jane very kindly took me through a lot of the working of Alice Alice that I didn’t know! … and Jacky very kindly fed with with lovely home made soup and toasties!

Sprout had a ball … and came away with a new harness that worked a treat on the way home!

I have also had fun applying a couple of graphics to Alice Alice this morning … still one to come but so far she is looking great.   I am delighted to have so much going on over the next couple of months… better start saving my pennies!!

What a difference a day makes …

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day

I had good news yesterday, “the lump” has turned out to be nothing worse than a cyst.

My great pal Beck came with me to the hospital and sat and laughed with me during a very long wait … taking my mind of the reason I was there.

I came home and couldn’t believe how tired I felt.  I have not been sleeping well over the past couple of months for a variety of reasons and obviously was more worried about my lump that I thought I was.   I took myself to bed and slept like a baby!… today I feel great, the best I have felt in months.

All the heartache and worry has gone … maybe acceptance has set in, or maybe I am just looking forward to discovering new paths and destinations.   Whatever the reason, today I am glad to be alive and once again have a sparkle in my eyes and a smile on my face.

I have lots of plans, old friends to see, new friends to make and new destinations to arrive at!

 

 

 

Enough…

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enough

Life and love are never easy.  Often we love someone who we think will be in our lives forever.   This is not always true.

We can love someone with all our hearts, to us they are perfect, the one we want to grow old with and spend the rest of our lives with.  Their love for us is enough, all we wanted.

The trouble is, we don’t often consider if we are enough for them.   No matter how much we love someone, sometimes the way we love and live our lives is not what they need or want.

This is not a reflection on any failing by you or them … it is just a fact of life.

We can be angry and upset when the person we love rejects us, but love is not all about one person.

We cannot help who we fall in love with, we cannot make someone fall in love with us… and no matter how hard this is, it is a realisation we have to accept.

But, for someone we will be enough, everything they ever wanted.  We just have to hope that we meet them.

 

Why heartbreak can be a gift

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heartache

At some point or another all of us will suffer heartache.  Whether it be from the death of someone close, a pet or the end of a relationship.

Grieving is a necessary part of the process.  We need to take time to remember, regret and celebrate many things that we have lost.

There is no denying that these times are hard.   The pain is all consuming and your mind never finds peace.

Grieving over a loss is not a bad thing, and there is no time limit on how long this will last… but we have to remember not to wallow in it.

It does mean we have to refocus our life, the “We” changes to “I” and future plans have to be tweaked.

It is during our hardest times that we find ourselves looking inside … finding out what our dreams really are and what we really want from life.

Sometimes we jump into relationships too soon (In my younger days I was very guilty of that!) … never taking time to work what I really wanted.   Then I had my first real heartbreak … and boy, did that make me stop and think!

I learned to take time, not to jump, to stop using people to cover my pain.  I learned to take time, let my peace return and to just let things happen…. and after each hurt, my life became better because I learned.

It is a big lesson this time again … but at last I am refocusing … I have other issues in my life that require my attention at little bit more than my healing heart at the moment and they shall now take priority.

As the good old “flower of Scotland” song says … “and in the past they must remain” … and so they shall.

 

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