Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Peel away the comedy

Peel away the jokes

Peel away my heart

Throw away my core

Will you miss me when I’m gone

We have all been hurt in our lives.  We have all cried and believed we would never feel better, never love again, never be the person we were.

This happens.   Life is like that.   You need the low times to really understand the person you are so you can grow as a person, mature emotionally and become the person we eventually grow into.

We make mistakes, we make fools of ourselves, we believe people who speak the words of love but never show the actions that prove it.  Not because we are stupid but because we believe that people are as honest as ourselves.

How we deal with this depends on our attitude.    We all deserve the right to hurt and mourn the end of a relationship, and so we should, people who can walk away easily without a backward thought have never loved deeply.  They cannot open up their heart.

Have I ever been bitter?   Yes … but funny enough when I was actually IN relationships … it was when I hit the bitterness stage I realised that it was time to go.   Has it hurt?   Yes … but there is no use in fighting for something when you cannot be heard.

Have I been on the receiving end of bitterness  Yes.    Did it hurt?   Yes.   It was meant to and it did.

Bitterness comes from frustration, from anger, from jealousy, from not being able to understand and it is a curse.

We have to let it go, we have to forgive, maybe not forget .. but move on or we will be trapped in the same cycle of mistrust and misunderstanding which is not healthy for us as individuals or in a relationship.

We have to be honest with ourselves, we have to kill the irk in the pit of our stomach or we will end up caught in the trap of bitterness and never find the peace we deserve.

We all lose ourselves from time to time.   Whether it be through hurt, depression, lack of confidence or just life being it’s usual twisty turny self.

When I look back I can see when I started to disappear … into a quagmire of responsibility, stress, obligation and expectation.   It was no-one’s fault but mine.   I allowed this to happen because I thought that is where my life path was taking me …  In reality it was life teaching me that there is more to living that how I was .. who I was … 

I admire people who find their vocation in life early on.  I admire people who find the love of their life early on … I am not one of these people.

I have always been responsible .. even before my army days … I suffer from guilt and responsibility and they do effect the decisions I made in life.     I thought myself into things .. and I thought myself out of things.

For the first time in my life I feel “right” .. I feel I am doing something that I was born to do .. I no longer have the money I used to have .. but I no longer have the stress that I had to deal with.

I do not have the responsibility of staff or a partner ..  and it has freed me from myself.

I have no idea where this new path I’m on is going to take me … all I know is that it is a journey I’m looking forward to travelling.

The biggest thing I have learned is that sometimes the fear of something happening is actually a lot worse than the actual thing! …   we sometimes just have to take a deep breath, push our shoulders back and march on … one step after another.

I received these in the post today …. a lovely surprise present!

I have been going on about going on holiday to Egypt for the past couple of weeks .. so I think that someone is taking the mickey .. but .. they fit me!!   and I love them!    … I think it was meant to be a joke .. but I am absolutely over the moon!

Thank you!

I have a heart that is worn and scarred

From the battles I’ve fought within.

I have a heart that is precious and fragile

That I hold close to repair and protect.

I have a heart that is loyal and true

But has forgotten the joy of love and want.

I have a heart that belongs to me

For safety from the fear of not being good enough.

I have a heart that stands alone

Beating it’s own drum, over and over

as it waits ….. for you?