I am learning to do this, although admittedly because of my dodgy hips and back, rather through choice… slowly but surely my peace is returning and clarity returning!
That is love.
June 21, 2014
regular lesbian, love,, peace, single 6 Comments
A friend of mine posted something on Facebook today … part of it is posted below:
“I fall in “LIKE” easily…. But it’s very hard for me to fall in “LOVE”…. Let me explain.
In the beginning people show you the best side of them, the side they know you’ll like… They always seem almost perfect and you can’t believe your luck. You can’t believe someone who’s almost perfect and single is giving you an opportunity…. and that’s why I fell in “LIKE” really easily…. Because I liked what they were showing me in the beginning. I started thinking this person’s great, amazing, almost perfect and I can see a future…..
Here’s where it changed…. They’ll do something, say something or start to change their character in a way where you’re like “hold on this isn’t the person I liked”….
Too many people are “temporary” or “throw away” because they’re fake or can’t be truly themselves in the beginning. And that’s why I find it hard to fall in “LOVE”.
I just wanted someone who’s consistently the same. No switching and changing on me.”
This rung a chord with me …
People will say what they think you want to hear in order to get what they want. I have fallen for some wonderful old lines “Im not like that” “let me show you what it feels to be loved” .. and in the end they have been just words.
I do not think I am a particularly complex person .. simple things make me happy … I like peace, I like to laugh, I like to feel secure and wanted.
I cannot stand being constantly let down, disappointed, not listened to or feel like I am being used…. or in one case, like a secret that was too embarrassing to admit to. Yet, in a relationship, I find that this is often how I feel.
I made a conscious decision to take time out for myself a couple of years ago .. I needed the time to concentrate on fixing me rather than trying to always be the support for someone else. It is a decision I do not regret, it has made me see myself in a different light, what I need, what I want and to let things go that used to play on my mind.
I have been very lucky with the close friends that I have, who have understood that sometimes I just need to be alone .. to potter, to do nothing, to think … to be me… but if I have needed them or wanted company, they have been there with their silent, but very appreciated, support.
I have a very different life to the one I had a year ago … I have no stress, no worry, I have peace in my heart and in my mind . and it is truly a beautiful thing to realise that you wake up happy every morning.
Maybe I am destined to remain single … I am certainly not worried about whether I meet someone or not .. but I do know that when, and IF, I do meet someone it will not be someone who sets my soul on fire for a short time … it will be someone who makes me feel the embers always, someone I can rely on. Someone who gives me peace.
For me, that is love.
The truth
January 14, 2014
regular honesty, lies, peace, truth 1 Comment
The truth is never easy to face up to. Especially when it involves looking inwards.
I have been lied to many times in my life. Most of the time I have known it but chose to ignore it.
I do not mind the truth, even if it hurts, I can deal with that. What I cannot deal with is lies that are used by others to gain sympathy or pity .. or to simply get their own way.
I have often been left in total confusion with lies .. you never quite know what is the truth .. and what is said to hurt .. but you lose something then .. you lose the trust you have in someone and that is a very difficult thing to get back.
At times I have been made to feel like a dirty secret, a bit of “rough” … and I am certainly none of those.
I have taken time out to look inside, to find out if I was the monster, the destroyer I was painted out to be … and the answer is now clear. No I am not.
I am not perfect, hell, no-one is, but I am open and honest, sometimes to a fault.. and sometimes that is used against me.
Will I change… nope.. no feckin chance!! … I am happy with me and my life. It is a pity that others are not, but that is for them to work on, not me.
The “D” word
January 12, 2014
regular contentment, depression, peace, relationships Leave a comment
I have written about the subject of Depression many times in this blog and I know that is a subject that few understand, unless they have been touched by it in the past.
Many are embarrassed to talk about it … they are ashamed, feel that they are somehow not “normal” because of it. The truth is any of us can go through it .. sometimes only once, sometimes repeatedly .. but the result of our depression leaves us a different person. There is an old saying that ” when you come out of the other side you will not the the same person who walked into the storm” .. and this is true …
I like to think that I have only had depression once, but in reality this is not true. Many years ago I lost a business, my home and everything I had worked for … and looking back I know I went through it then… although at the time I didn’t realise I was depressed.. I was so used to feeling stressed that I did not have the common sense to see the difference between normal stress and depression.
You cannot explain to someone who has not gone through depression what it is like. The nearest I can get is that you lose the ability to feel anything. Occasionally you have a wee blip of something but you can’t sustain it. You just feel empty, worn out, you cannot deal with drama of any kind, and although you try to lead a “normal” life, you are in reality just going through the motions.
I was lucky, I had a couple of friends who could see what was happening to me .. and through being able to talk to them and my doctor, honestly and frankly, I began to find my feet again.
It wasn’t easy .. and I know my thoughts at the time swung wildly, the battle within was a struggle, a huge battle, but with the help of my friends I slowly won. Not in a great sudden burst of victorious celebration but in a gentle, peaceful, quiet way.
I knew things in my life had to change… and although it would mean sacrifices in more ways than one, I began to take the steps forward to a new life.
People talk about starting a “new chapter” in their lives … for me .. it is a whole new book.
I have taken time out .. to concentrate on me .. I am not foolish enough to think that by “having someone in my life” that my problems would be solved .. I knew that I had to find contentedness and peace within me before I could ever consider entering into a relationship other than friendship with anyone.
I know some people think I have been “brave” to start a new life at my age .. I am not brave, I am a bit of stubborn old fool, I refuse to let life and myself let me down!
As for the future, who knows, I am loving my new “vocation” … and I have been lucky that I met someone who turned a key in me, that let me see what love is really all about, and although this was not, and never will be anything else than a deep friendship, for that I am truly grateful.
I know I am lucky, my life has been a mix of great successes combined with a few spectacular failures and I do still have a wee niggle that I am a bit of a “liability” to consider being in a relationship but in the end I have found what a lot of people will never find .. contentment and peace… and perhaps, for me, that is enough.
Safe …
January 5, 2014
regular exciting, peace, safe Leave a comment
I am sitting her tonight listening to the crackle of the fire and the drum of the rain on the windows.
The house is warm, Brae (the dog!) is sleeping, as are Bo and Jilly (the cats!).
I have been working today … finalised two Eulogies, recorded all the music and labeled the CD’s.
I feel relaxed, warm and safe.
I have had a lovely weekend, even though I have been working. I have met two lovely familes (well … one of them I already knew as they are my neighbours!) .. had my first taste of Sloe Gin (thanks to my neighbours!) … had a Viper call from my lovely friends Maddy and Ina to say that they are coming over to visit in August (much excitement!) … and then I had a call from my fabby cousin Emma in New Zealand … I am off there the last week in October for three weeks to conduct her civil partnership to her lovely girlfriend Ange and then to have a wee holiday doodling around exploring things!
I am currently looking at flights … and trying to work out the best way to get there .. but I will work it all out eventually!!
All in all … my life is pretty damn good at the moment … and I know that I am lucky .. my new business is really beginning to take off and I am absolutely loving it … I just wish I had done it years ago!
2014 is already shaping up to be a fantastic year.. and even though I have given up trying to find someone to warm my heart .. I have this feeling that I am going to surprise myself…. who knows…. time will tell!
Happy ….
December 25, 2013
regular family, love,, peace 1 Comment
I have had a wonderful Christmas day/Birthday.
Lots of birthday greetings via Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, text messages, emails and phonecalls (although I did miss one from Romania, which is a bit annoying!)
I spent the afternoon with my Mum, brother, sister and aunt, having lunch at my mums. We ended up laughing lots and I was very spoilt.
As I was sitting there listening to the banter around the table I felt this swell of love for everyone there. I am lucky with the family I have, we have always had a close bond and great respect for each other.
My mum is a mum in a million, she has a huge heart, a good (but crap!) sense of humour and she has always let us lead our own lives, allowing us to move forward to become the people we are today.
She is also one of the most generous and open people you will ever meet.
She has stood by me and my decisions throughout my life, although not always agreeing with them, always supporting me. Always proud of me.
We were taught to always be honest, to say what is on our minds and to always remember that what we give out, we will get back ten fold … and she has not been wrong.
She has taken the time to be very nice to various women in my life, because they made me happy, so she was happy.
She has voiced her fears about some .. and sadly, in retrospect, she has been right. I am too much like her at times, too soft and too forgiving.
I have at times tried to change this about me … but then I see my mum, and my heart swells with pride… if I can half the woman she is .. I will be happy.
We never had a lot of money, I was a council house girl, my dad a Gardener and my mum worked in children’s homes and latterly as a Social Work Assistant. When I was picked to play for Scotland at hockey we had to buy our own kit, tracksuits, strips, sticks etc .. which all added up to quiet an amount .. but my parents sacrificed a lot, including the chance to watch me play for Scotland, to make sure that I had everything I needed so I would not look like the “poor relation” of the team.
They also surprised me that year by paying (in secret) for me to go on the School trip to Italy … I hadn’t asked them because I knew they had spent a lot on me that year but they decided I needed to be “rewarded” for making them so proud of me. The rest of the family did not have a holiday that year.
During the bad time I had with depression last year, I eventually spoke to my mum about it … but she already knew … she had been watching me, waiting on me to tell her … not wanting to push me … and when I did … she cried with me … and then said “you are my daughter, I have always admired the independent, strong person that you are, this will pass”
She was right… again.
This Christmas felt so different from last year. I felt at peace, I felt happy, I felt relaxed, I felt loved.
My family are good people. I am so proud of them. I am lucky to have them and I am grateful.
I wish you …..
December 24, 2013
regular peace, wish Leave a comment
This Christmas I wish for you to give yourself the best gift you can … peace of mind.
Look inside …..
December 23, 2013
regular inside, peace 2 Comments
All of us feel under pressure to live up to expectations at times.
I certainly did, perhaps because I am one of those people who suffer from guilt and responsibility. A good thing, yes, sometimes but sometimes a burden that is hard to shake off.
I am no longer young, I am no longer the person I was 20 or even 5 years ago. I have changed, slowly… and it was something that took me a long time to accept.
I grew tired. Tired of fighting battles, tired of stress, tired of not being heard and tired of being the person who was always expected to laugh. So I made a decision (party forced on me because of stress), but it was a decision, to become who I wanted to be, To stop the pretence and just become.
I no longer put up with crap, I do not put up with liars or troublemakers and I only have people in my life that I want in my life .. whether they be close friends or on the outskirts.
I look back on the person I used to be and know I made mistakes, but I will continue to make mistakes, I am human and mistakes are part of our growing and becoming, but without these mistakes I would not be in the position or the person I am now. So I am grateful.
I am under no illusion that everyone will like the new me … hell some people didn’t like the old me! .. but what the heck … I am old enough and wise enough to know that I cannot please everyone, so I won’t bother … those that like me, like me.. those that don’t .. well .. they don’t deserve me anyway! *grin*
I have now found my place of peace, not just in a physical location but in an emotional and mental state and I am happy.
I have also discovered that I no longer fear some of the things I used to fear .. being lonely .. I am not lonely, not being loved .. I am loved more than I ever have been and I know that the feeling of being the only person in the world that thought the way I did was a myth of my own making.
I do know that many of us are fighting battles within at the moment. It is a turbulent and troublesome time and I wish I could take it all away and give you peace. I can’t .. this is something you have to find from within, but I wish with all my heart you find your peace.
Always remember you are not alone. Someone always cares.
Have a peaceful and fun festive period x
On this journey (that was party forced on me because of stress)
What is love?
October 1, 2013
regular lesbian, love,, peace 1 Comment
Following on from a question on one of the facebook groups tonight … a question was asked .. “what is your idea of love?”
It is a very difficult question to answer as there are many types of love. We are capable of loving people in very different ways, from the love we have for our family, the love for our friends or the love that can break our hearts.
Even a romantic love cannot be parceled up and put in a box. I have had various lovers over the years that I have loved, but I have never loved the any of them in the same way.
I probably have a very boring view of love. The passion and the drama are exciting at first but I soon tire of it and it is when this dies down that I begin to love, or not, as the case may be.
For me I need a love that gives me peace. A love that is independent and true. No drama, reliable, comfortable. The sort of love where you can sit in silence doing nothing and being perfectly happy. The sort of love when you think “we” instead of “I” and you feel comfortable in planning ahead.
A partnership of peace and contentment.
Too boring for some I know. But perfect for me.
Contentment
March 28, 2013
regular contentment, lesbian, peace 2 Comments
I do not think I understood the meaning of contentment when I was younger. There was always something to aim for, people to see or a woman to conquer!
These days things are very different, maybe I have experienced enough good AND bad times in my life to understand it .. or maybe I have just grown weary of the drama and the arguments, I don’t know but right now I am contented… I am happy, relaxed, peaceful and enjoying myself.
As I look back and remember what was important to me when I was younger, success, money, love .. I realise that these still hold true but in a very different way.
Success is now being happy with my life, money is having enough to get me from one pay day to another but able to not worry too much, love.. well, love is all about learning to love yourself, the good and the bad.
I can’t say I “practice” contentment .. or I looked for it, it just sort of happened.
I have achieved and gained lots in my life. I have also lost everything I worked all my life for and had to start again.. and I discovered the actual starting again was much less than the worry about having to do it.. It gave me a different perspective and although I do, from time to time, lose my peace and my contentment, I know it is lurking out there waiting for me. Sometimes I just have to wait for it to return.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 