Ten lessons I have learned


  1. If you want something ask, you may not get what you want but you will be left with no doubt.
  2. If you need something get it, ask for help, there is no embarrassment in admitting you can’t cope.
  3. If it hasn’t happened yet – don’t worry, our worries sometimes come to nothing.
  4. If it has happened – deal with it.  Accept responsibility, but don’t over blame  yourself, we all make mistakes.
  5. If you lose something move on.  Close the book… you can’t change it now.
  6. If you feel under pressure, sometimes you have to slow down to speed up.  Rest, take time out.
  7. If you feel guilty, Stop.. just stop, the only one tearing yourself apart is you.
  8. People will think what they want to think.  You cannot do anything to stop this.
  9. You will learn who really cares.   You will also learn who doesn’t.   Do not be surprised.
  10. You are not alone.



Not me….


I am very much a woman of two halves… I have my joking, clown half that everyone knows and I have my deep, private side that only a few close friends get to know.

My humour is my shield, my protection, get past the humour and you meet a completely different person… someone who loves closeness, theatre, classical music, art, reading, writing and conversation.    This is the part of me that keeps my balance, my peace with the world and the part of me that can and has been torn to pieces when I have lost my peace.

Over the past 9 months or so I have found it harder and harder to find my peace, my place in the world.  I have been stressed and I have been so damned tired I just didn’t realise how much.  I knew I was “fed up” .. I knew I felt irritable.. I knew I had no patience, I just felt worn out.

My holiday in Spain, with a bunch of close friends brought it very starkly home to me.  For once I managed to relax, the tiredness and clouds in my head lifted,  and I realised just how far away from “me” I had become.   It certainly made me stop and think.

It came as a shock to me to fully understand how unhappy within myself I was and the realisation that a few things I believed had in fact been because of how I had been feeling and not reality at all.

I worried about everything, about everyone, I took it on myself to feel responsible for other people, I took the slightest thing personally, I just could not understand … because I could not understand myself.

To say it was a wake up call is an understatement.   I am a deep thinker but even my thoughts were being affected by my “mood” that I never realised I was in.

I have a lot of friends that I adore but sometimes it is hard to find the words to speak to someone when you don’t understand things yourself.  I was lucky I had been speaking to a close friend about how I felt, how the feeling as if the waves were about to crash and I was about to drown.. funny enough .. I had dreams about this too … I think she knew there was something wrong a long time before I did.   To say I owe this friend a lot is an understatement.  She bore with me, listened to me, agreed with me, told me off and called me a fool *smile* ..

I took the plunge and spoke to my doctor, who I have to say has been fantastic, she helped me realise that sometimes there is no shame in asking for help, something I am not good at, but need to learn a bit more.  She also explained about how stress becomes like an addiction, some stress is healthy but too much becomes harmful and destructive.

I’ve heard people describe times of their lives as “dark times” .. I understand that now .. this is how it feels, that the lights have been switched off, that the darkness has descended and that the dawn seems so far out of reach.

I am not yet back to me, I still have this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I can’t describe, the closest I can think of is it is like a very deep sadness and I can’t yet shake.  I know I have to work on this and I will, but I do know I have to find this thing called “patience” too .. and let things sort themselves out.

I know I have a wee bit of a way to go, but the tiredness seems to be lifting, the great burden of emotional turmoil is settling down and most of all I can sense that the dawn will rise again.

The Rice Pudding Story…

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Back in the early 80’s I spent 18 months in Northern Ireland.    As postings go. it was great! .. we had so many pubs on camp that you could spend a whole week drinking in a different one each night.

Like many of the WRAC in those days I did partake (often) in a wee drink or twelve… and like most drunks ended up starving at 1am!

The cookhouse was open 24 hours in those days, there were so many different shift patterns and patrols coming and going that it was possible to get food at anytime (although you weren’t really meant to use it when you were drunk as a skunk!).

One night, after a really good NAAFI disco (were they ever really good .. or was I just really drunk), a group of us ended up in the cookhouse and due to the fact that one of my friends was working behind the counter, we didn’t get kicked out and managed to help ourselves to a plate of burger and chips each.

There was a pudding on offer .. Rice Pudding.    but it was a congealed mess and none of us (even in our very drunken state!) liked the look of it.

It was the Rice Pudding that started it.   It was, really.    One of my friends suggested to me that the Rice was more like plaster of paris and wouldn’t it be funny if I stuck my boobs in it.

Well.. I did… to much hilarity and cheering … so much so that my cook friend came out to see what was going on .. (by this time I had pulled my shirt back down) .. checked her hot plates and stirred the rice pudding (which I had left with two very large holes in it).

We were still laughing when a group of RMP’s came in … and one of them helped himself to the Rice Pudding .. did we tell him .. did we hell …


Venus Fly Trap Warning

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Do not touch me

I will take you in

Devour you

and spit you out

empty, dead

and wait….

for the next .. 

who dares….

I am a flower hungry for  a touch

and knowing that I will destroy

all innocents who try

It is who I am

but not who I want to be.


My admittance



There are times in our lives when we learn a big lesson about ourselves.

I am in the middle of learning one right now.

For all of us there are times when we struggle on a daily basis to face the world.  We wake up feeling tired, we have a constant feeling of being unsettled but somehow we manage to hide the thoughts and the worries and try to go about our normal lives.   We laugh, we talk, we act… oh how we act.

We know we are not happy, we feel frustrated and angry and we blame people for this.  It is their fault that we have lost our peace, it is always their fault for the arguments, for the feeling of being alone and the lack of affection we feel.

We feel not good enough, we make excuses why things are the way they are, why they won’t work and we look over the fence at the grass and think that it is greener.

We cause hurt, frustration and anger in people, because that is how we feel and we want them to understand .. but they don’t .. they can’t… how can we make people understand when we don’t understand ourselves.

We turn into people we don’t know and we don’t understand, we can’t hear what others say to us because we can’t hear ourselves.

We are ripping other people apart because we are ripping ourselves apart.

I have made a mistake that I know cannot be rectified.  I have caused too much frustration and anger and worst of all .. disappointment in someone.

It is easy to think “if only” .. but sometimes we have to own up to the fact that it is too late.   Far too late.

This is my apology.  This is my admittance.

There is no hold button in life …

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Sometimes, even with the best of intentions life does not turn out the way we expect it to.

I was reminded of this yesterday after seeing photographs of a very brave woman who sadly lost her fight for life.

In my personal life it is a bit of a bad time, very stressful, to the point that on some mornings I just want to curl up and stay in bed.

I can’t do this .. I’m not made like that.   I may winge and I may moan and sometimes I need a friend to listen to me .. but I am not a quitter, quite the opposite.

I know this from a couple of dark times previously in my life.  I really thought my life, or my life as I knew it, was over, but never once did I lie down and give in.  Maybe I should have, maybe I fought too long but that is who I am, and always will be.

I am not a woman who likes to be defeated, never have been… those that know of my hockey past will vouch for that *smile*, but sometimes you have to let go.

There is a huge difference between letting go and giving up.   You give up when you have no heart left for a fight, you let go when you know it is the right thing to do.

I have recently been asked to put a friendship “on hold” but on reflection, a friendship that has to go “on hold” is no friendship at all.

I know lots of people, I have lots of friends but I have a small close circle of  lovely friends who I would do anything for and I know they would do anything for me.   I do not have to name them, they know, as I know.   They have listened to me lately, let me get my frustration out and have contacted me frequently just to make sure I am ok.    I am not the type that often “needs” someone, but occassionally when the waves are washing over me I need a friend to rescue me.

It is at times like this in your life that you realise what friendship is. We have all had fairweather friends in our lives, good fun for a little while, but unreliable, unrepentant and forever letting you down.   These friends are sometimes a welcome break in our lives, but they do not last the trials of understanding, normality and friendship.  They live a dream, a fantasy, always looking for something else to keep them from being bored.

For me it is time to let go of people who cannot stand by me in my dark times and only want me in my good times when I can do something for them.

And that is what I am doing.    ‘Im taking my finger off HOLD and pressing END.

Good luck, good wishes, goodbye.

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