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All of us, no matter how confident or outgoing we seem, have our demons that hold us back or stop us from really living how we want to live.

I have mine.

It is something that I have known for a while but I have tried to ignore it, in the hope that it will solve itself.

I am beginning to doubt that it will.

I have written before about how cautious I am with my heart, and I am.   I know I made an error and gave it away too easily earlier in the year, only to have to quickly grab it back and wrap it up tightly again.

Perhaps too tightly.

I have friends. I have a lot of friends, wonderful, fun people who warm my heart and make me glad to have them in my life but sometimes, just sometimes … I feel alone …and the sad thing is, I am actually scared of NOT feeling alone, just incase it all proves to be fools gold again.

I like to think I am semi intelligent woman..  but In reality I allow myself to fool myself over affairs of the heart.  Why I do this I have no idea .. hope, pride .. who knows ..  but I have become so cynical that the thought of entering into a new relationship actually worries me.

I look around and I see disasters waiting to happen, I see people fall in and out of “love” with ultimate ease…  and I just don’t understand.

Gone are the days of the little flutter of excitement at the “possibility” of something developing, gone are the days of flirting and the “challenge” .. now I just feel comfortable with the thought of friendship.

That scares me.

 

Dusk

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Dusk

In the darkness of my room
with no company to be kind,
the stirring again begins
in the recess of my mind.

At first a memory,
from way down deep
that will once again deny me
from my right to sleep.
And then the pain, from way inside,
that rips apart
my soul,

my pride.

The physical need
to hold on tight
to someone close,
all through the night.

The dark, black thoughts,
cruel and bleak,

punishing me,

For being so weak.

And knowing that
It’s all my fault
I’m locked up tight
In this living vault.
Searching for me
And failing to find,
Because of the nightmare
Living in my mind

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