The power with not being in love ….

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fwbFriends with Benefits is a situation that some people find confusing,  some find it disgusting.  Others .. like me .. find it is something that suits us.

Relationships genuinely confuse me … one minute you are lovers .. sharing the most intimate parts of your life .. and body with someone .. then you break up … and in some cases become nothing to each other.

I have never quite got my head around that … maybe my brain is wired differently .. but when I have been intimate with someone I tend to care for them .. no matter how much hurt blankets it … if I am totally honest there has never been anyone I have had in my bed that I wouldn’t go out of my way to help … 

Friends with Benefits can work beautifully .. I have never had a “FWB” that has caused any upset or drama in my life … it is based on honesty, friendship and care … and a little bit of love .. but not the type of love that makes you want to spend your life with someone … something much more free than that .. a genuine warmth and affection for someone.

I have had mind blowing sex with some FWB’s … I have had boring sex in some relationships ..  but somehow the “act” of sex doesn’t matter … sometimes it is the intimacy and the affection that is important. 

For me intimacy and affection is based on honesty and truth .. and sadly I have found that easier to find in FWB’s than some relationships.    

However …. I am not knocking relationships .. I have had some long term relationships that were based on honesty and truth and I was happy … but sometimes relationships run their course … sometimes you end up being companions or just friends .. and it is hard to get back what you have lost.   

For me FWB’s give me the freedom to enjoy my life (I do not mean sleeping around!) I mean my life, as I like it … time on my own, no drama .. and the opportunity to look forward and “romance” someone … yes .. romance can play a part in FWB situation .. you can flirt, you can look forward to seeing her … you can enjoy her for who she is .. and she can enjoy you for who you are….   with no expectation, no broken promises and no losing of friendship at the end of it.    

Most FWB situations do not develop into a relationship ..sometimes they just come along at the right time .. when you need something to give you a wee smile in your life … but they do not hurt .. they do not “turn” on you ….

I am an advocate of FWB’s …. not because I do not want to be monogamous … but because I am sick of liars, backstabbers and losing friendships …  this has happened in relationships .. but never with FWB’s …

The downside of FWB’s is that sometimes someone wants more than you can give .. or want to  give … even when you are totally honest with someone they will only hear what they want to hear … and they can sometimes let their dreams turn a FWB situation to much more in their head.

So .. my only advice .. if you are considering a FWB … be honest .. do not think that it will turn into a relationship .. most do not … just accept it for what it is … enjoy … and know that you will probably always have this person in your life … and a closeness that is beautiful … you do not always have to be loved … you do not always have to love … just enjoy .. you may just find that is enough.

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Mistress

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Another requested blog  

Some of ‘us’ love being on our own,do you think that is where mistresses come in?

 

Mistresses is not a word I would use, I see that as being someone who is involved with someone who is already in a relationship.

I tend to say “Friends with Benefits” … and yes I have gone down that route … I have also had casual one night stands.   

I have now moved on to another place .. to be honest I can’t be bothered … sex is sex … and sometimes very good BUT sex with love is something much more, something deeper and more emotional. 

I know the good and bad of FWB … and at the time it suited me fine … as it may for a lot of people out there, the physical need to be held and made to feel special is something that some people need from this type of “alliance”.   It always left me feeling that there was something missing .. I need the emotional connection and that doesn’t come easy.

I like being on my own, purely for emotional reasons .. I NEED quietness and peace of mind .. it is important to me and I am not prepared to give that up .. it took me a long, long time to find it.

I would rather be on my own than in a relationship that does not give me what I need.   I cannot be doing drama and I can’t put up with lies or feeling that I am just a handy option for someone, and I will not, under any circumstances, be a dirty wee secret.

Would I go back into a relationship .. well, yes … if I met someone who was on the same wavelength as me .. someone who is happy in their life, someone who understands that I need my “own time”.

Would I consider casual sex or FWB now .. No … been there, done that … moved on.

The benefit of friends

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Friendship in all forms is a wonderful thing that makes our lives a brighter wee place to live in.

We have friends who make us laugh and cry, friends we can talk to with our deepest thoughts and trust completely and other friends on the peripheries who we meet now and again and enjoy their company for the short time we see them.

Friendship as you get older becomes something deeper, you realise that the amount of friends you have is nothing compared to the closeness of the few who really mean something in your life.

Sometimes we get more from a friendship, a short period of time when we can feel wanted and enjoy the want we feel for someone else.   A friend with benefits.

I have in my past had friends with benefits, which generally worked out great for all concerned, with one exception where the expectation from the other party was more than I was able to give.

On one occasion it developed into a relationship that lasted for a couple of years, but it is rare for FWB to do this, normally FWB are people coming out of a period of hurt or darkness and not able or ready to commit.

To be honest I find a FWB easier to deal with than a list of short term relationships that leaves me feeling guilty and unsatisfied.    I have never been one to jump from a relationship straight into another … I like to take time out, I don’t want to hurt someone by using them just because I am on the rebound.

I am now 52 years old, I am contented and settled in my life once again and I am really not sure if I want a relationship again.    Maybe that will change, I have no idea, but I have for a long time felt under pressure to compromise too much to keep someone happy and in the end made myself unhappy.  I am really not prepared to do that now.

If I could find a “perfect woman” (Nigella jokes aside!) .. I know what I want ..  a thinker, a joker, a tough minded opinionated woman, strong at times, but with a weakness that shows from time to time,  who wants to make someone feel special but feel special in return, not by words but by actions.  Someone who wants to spend time with me and is happy with their life and does not rely on me for all their happiness.

I need someone who understands the importance of sharing decisions with a partner and how the word US is more important than I,  but also is independent enough to understand my need for time on my own as well as my need for time alone with my partner and time to socialise .. in a normal balance that is stress-less.

Does she exist? …  am I being selfish? who knows … until then .. I will just be ..

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