52.5

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Today I am 52.5 … a strange thing to say I know … but my birthday is Christmas day and as a kid my mum used to give me a special day in the summer because she felt it was unfair for me to only have one day per year to celebrate.

I haven’t really celebrated my “half” birthday in many a year, but last year I ended up having a barbeque, not for me really, but for an ex who was celebrating her birthday.

It was a bit of a struggle for me.   I tried to enjoy the day as my garden was full of some wonderful and funny women but I felt very out of sorts.  It was nothing to do with any of the people there but rather within me.

I found it very hard that day, I ended up sitting in the summerhouse trying to find some peace but I tried very hard to make myself “mingle” … but I was forcing it, forcing humour, forcing smiles … I was struggling .. I wanted to be happy, but I wasn’t.     It was so much of an effort and I just felt exhausted.     I had also spent some time picking out what I thought was a fabulous birthday present.   I was wrong and I ended up feeling very disappointed, not only because my ex didn’t like it or want it (it was a small Fossil leather bag), but that I had misjudged it so badly.  

This year I am not having a BBQ, instead I will be celebrating the 1st birthday of Fife Inbetweeners (a gay women’s group that I run) … we are having an 80’s party, with 80’s food and a pool competition.    It will be an evening spent with a small number of friends and this year I feel like partying, my humour will not need to be forced and I can enjoy the company for the great friendship it brings.   

Sometimes we cannot see things in life until we look back on them from a very different viewpoint.

This weekend I will smile and celebrate where I am in life … I like it here, everything feels great again!

 

 

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A letter to you

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This pain you are feeling and the emptiness it leaves inside you will not last forever.

One day you will wake up and your first thought will not be painful or about her.

It is funny how the people that treat us badly are the people we want.   They have a pull on our emotions that make us suffer and love all at the same time.   It takes a long time to feel anything again because what we have felt we think we can only feel for that person.   Maybe that is true.   Maybe we do love different people in different ways.

A relationship that is emotionally unstable keeps us hooked, like a drug.. it is our addiction.  We hate the lows but love the highs and are prepared to put up with abuse of both the mental and sometimes the physical type for those few moments when we are told and feel we are loved.

This is not love.   This is power, control. Someone who truly loves you does so in a quiet way, an unassuming way.  There is little drama, little pain, no lies, just a quiet understanding and a peace.

It may not be wildly exciting and nor should it be, excitement and adrenalin cannot last forever.   What does last is the knowing, the comfort and the peace that comes from having someone hold you, not for sex, not for show but just because they want to hold you for you and the comfort it gives to both.

This is the person who will be there when your times are bad, who understands that sometimes you need space, quietness and time to be alone.   Not as a reflection of how you feel about them, but how you feel about yourself.

When you find yourself trying too hard, excusing the little lies and the things that are done to make you jealous, angry or upset it is time to stop trying, to walk away.

Everyone will hurt, everyone thinks they will never love again, everyone feels alone, useless, a failure and unwanted at sometime.    This is life, this is love.

We can love, and we can love wrongly, we can confuse our “need” with our “want” and some people know exactly how to make us feel as if we “need” them in our lives.   The truth is, we never “need” anyone and nor should we.   Need is about control.  Want is about love.

The people who eventually understand what love is are the people who have loved and lost, had a broken heart that they thought they would never recover from, a thought that they will never be able to move on and that they will be alone forever with an empty heart.

These are the lucky people, although they may not realise it at first.  The ones who know what capacity their heart has for love and who are willing to sit back, be honest and take time to recover.   To allow the healing of the heart to take it’s own time, to not rush, not push, not jump into something else that might mask the pain for a while.

These are the brave people.   The right people.   You.

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