Background to this text exchange… I bought a new bbq but due to arthritis in my hands, I am struggling to put the legs on.. so I asked one of my pals if she and her wife Fiona would like to come over to help and I would cook a bbq. Kate said “if course” but then said that they would bring food… this is the text conversation that followed.. (you can tell we are great pals!)
Mantra
June 5, 2023
regular attitude, friendship, lesbian, life, love, Leave a comment
This is my new mantra. Life has kicked me hard at times and there have been moments when it took every piece of me to get up and get on with existing. Not living … existing. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has felt like this… and not the only one who has lost peace of heart and of mind.
I’m not the greatest at reaching out but since I lost Ros, and physically being less able to do many things I used to do, I have found it easier, due to the great support that so many gave and continue to give.
This is a new stage in my life… the first steps in a journey that I intend to make on my own. I really do not want another relationship, maybe I’m too cynical or just too damn lazy… I’m very comfortable with that decision… although I think I need to improve my cooking skills!
Calm shores
May 22, 2023
regular emotion, fear, friends, friendship, lesbian, life, love,, relationships, stress Leave a comment
I feel deeply and I think deeply. This is both a curse and a blessing.
I sometimes step back from delving deep into my thoughts and feelings, just leaving them lying dormant behind a wall of keeping myself busy so my thoughts and focus are on anyone or anything apart from me.
This is my self preservation. My comfort blanket that stops the hurt and sometimes negative thoughts and doubt from over whelming me.
I know I close down, I know I exist instead of live. I know all this, but still I do it, it’s my way.
Then something simple happens, a conversation with a kindred spirit, who understands what it is like to face deep thoughts… and suddenly my own deep thoughts don’t feel so overwhelming… and all of a sudden I can really think again… and it is not as scary or painful as I thought it would be.
The waves of hurt that used to crash down on me have ebbed… calm shores have returned and I’m so relieved.
Life still has much to offer and although I still doubt I have the emotional strength or will to ever want a partner or a relationship again, I realise that there are still great people out there that can touch my life in a special way and right now, that’s huge!
Kick Start
May 18, 2023
regular death, friendship, lesbian, life, relationships 1 Comment
Well… it is time I grabbed my feather duster and cleared out the dust in here!
My poor blog has been sadly ignored for far too long. There are a hundred reasons that will become clearer as my posts appear. In many ways it’s been a tough time emotionally, physically and mentally… but even though I continued writing during all of this, most of my thoughts were not for my blog.
Anyhoo… I have decided to finish reading my “personal” words and then delete them…I have been guilty of holding on to thoughts and people who belong in the past and do not deserve a place in my life. It is my own fault, I tend to see the good in people and obviously suffered from colour blindness when it came to red flags!
I have been guilty of false love. Loving a woman who didn’t really exist… just a chameleon, who changed with the wind, and proved to be s liar. This false love stopped me from really opening my heart to a woman who truly deserved it. I was too scared.
There are things that happen in life that we cannot fix, I did love this woman and we did marry. Even though I said No many times, Ros never gave up. Not even when cancer had her screaming in pain. When she received her terminal diagnosis, her first words to me were “well, you can’t say no now”… and I didn’t.
We married in a small ceremony in the hospice gardens at the Queen Margaret Hospice in August 2022 and it was at the hospice that Ros passed the following November.
I loved Ros, I still do, but she deserved so much more of my heart and for that I will always feel guilty.
I have been asked if I think I will have another relationship… and the answer is no. I do not have the emotional strength to face another relationship, I’m worn out with emotions, I really don’t think I have enough in me to succeed in a relationship.
On top of all of this, I am also now disabled. The arthritis in my hips can hopefully be helped by having both hips replaced but there is nothing that can be done for my hands and spine…. I feel like an emotional and physical liability, I wouldn’t wish me on anyone.
So…. I shall learn to love me and spend the rest of my life simply pleasing myself. Selfish, maybe, I see it as self preservation
Friendships that last
March 21, 2014
regular friendship, love, Leave a comment
I have just spent a few days with a couple of old pals of mine who, after 15 years of asking, eventually managed to drag themselves up to Scotland.
They managed to chill out and relax (they run a pub in Chester and are always working!) and I thoroughly enjoyed their company and the laughs! (not to mention the wine and the vodka!).
Friendship is a funny thing … some of the people who you think will be in your life forever slide away… some slowly, some suddenly and sometimes we beat ourselves up about it. I know I used to.
Time and age teach you great things … more about yourself than other people, as we all grow and change at different times.
I am very, very lucky with the friends that I have in my life… and I know it. They make my life richer and more beautiful and of course much, much more fun!
There will always be fairweather friends who come and go in your life, that is just the way it is. However there will be others who will be friends and in your life for a long time, you won’t have to spend all your free time with them, you may only see them now and again but you know in your heart that they would do for you what you would do for them.
These friendships have meaning, they are based on trust and loyalty and a maturity that sadly evades some.
These are the friends that I love … thank you …
Travelling through life …
March 9, 2014
regular ego, friendship, love, Leave a comment
As we meander down our paths of fate we experience things that stay with us forever.
Sometimes these things are unexpected .. a view that etches itself into your brain. an experience that changes us or marks us forever, a song that touches us to our soul… or the people we meet on our journey that open up a part of us we never knew existed.
I read a post the other day that said that sometimes in life we meet people on our travels, that will travel with us for the whole journey, some for part of it and others we should leave at the kerb.
I guess I have traveled the majority of my journey through life and yet I still find myself surprised at the attitude of some people… you end up being caught up in someone else’s insecurities, lies, ego and jealousy.
Frankly, I have had enough of this in my past that has left me suspicious and questioning of people’s motives.
I tend to be open, maybe too open and I find that the people who cannot handle my openness are people who have a lot to hide…. or are suspicious of me because I am so open.
I have nothing to hide in my life …. don’t get me wrong … I’m far short of perfect and I have made some horrendous fuck up’s … but I accept that .. I accept a lot about me now that I never understood when I was younger and I’m ok with that. It is done. It has gone.
I am going to continue on my own little merry way … taking the steps and the path I want to take .. I have friends in my life that I love completely .. and they know it … and it will remain that way. They bring joy to my life and make me happy … and I am not prepared to lose that.
Friendship
February 3, 2014
regular friendship, love, Leave a comment
Friendship is not about the parties or the fun.
Friendship is more than that, it is the people who make you stop and think.
Sometimes you do not like what you hear, but a true friend tells you the truth, no matter how hard it is to accept.
I am lucky, I have a few really good friendships, people who I love and trust, who tell me when I am blinded to what I am doing.
A recent example of this is that I have been trying to form a friendship with someone who was once more than a friend. I felt … and actually still feel it is the right thing to do, so I tried.
I have to hold my hands up and say i have failed.
Some people are not in your life forever, we have to let them go and treasure the people who really care for you. Words of love and friendship mean nothing, anyone can say them, it is the actions and the willingness to listen that proves a friend.
Thank you my friends for being there for me when I need you, I hope you feel the same way about me.
Share the love
July 17, 2013
regular adoption, civil ceremony, friendship, lesbian, marriage Leave a comment
Over the past few weeks I have witnessed love being shared in the most amazing ways between some wonderful friends.
I attended the civil ceremony celebration of Gillian and Terri, the wedding of Jean and Wullie and this Thursday my great “bloke” mate Marina will have a civil ceremony with the lovely Lorraine.
All of these are fantastic examples of love between two people and the happiness that they share with friends and family.
I am also very privileged to watch the story unfold of two wonderful friends who are nearing completion of adopting two children. I will not name them for privacy reasons, but many of our shared friends will know who I mean.
The two friends in question are the most wonderful, open hearted, caring women you can ever hope to meet. They are happy to dedicate their lives and sacrifice a lot for the love they have for others in need.
I admire all my friends, I love so many people for their caring attitude, their honesty, their humour and their courage but these two friends have shown me that happiness is found by sharing and caring for others.
There are many people in life who are happy to take, to use, to see a benefit out of a friendship. These people do not stay in your life.
The beautiful people do.
Thank you my beautiful friends.