Calm shores
May 22, 2023
regular relationships, love,, life, lesbian, friendship, fear, friends, emotion, stress Leave a comment
I feel deeply and I think deeply. This is both a curse and a blessing.
I sometimes step back from delving deep into my thoughts and feelings, just leaving them lying dormant behind a wall of keeping myself busy so my thoughts and focus are on anyone or anything apart from me.
This is my self preservation. My comfort blanket that stops the hurt and sometimes negative thoughts and doubt from over whelming me.
I know I close down, I know I exist instead of live. I know all this, but still I do it, it’s my way.
Then something simple happens, a conversation with a kindred spirit, who understands what it is like to face deep thoughts… and suddenly my own deep thoughts don’t feel so overwhelming… and all of a sudden I can really think again… and it is not as scary or painful as I thought it would be.
The waves of hurt that used to crash down on me have ebbed… calm shores have returned and I’m so relieved.
Life still has much to offer and although I still doubt I have the emotional strength or will to ever want a partner or a relationship again, I realise that there are still great people out there that can touch my life in a special way and right now, that’s huge!
Kick Start
May 18, 2023
regular death, friendship, lesbian, life, relationships 1 Comment
Well… it is time I grabbed my feather duster and cleared out the dust in here!
My poor blog has been sadly ignored for far too long. There are a hundred reasons that will become clearer as my posts appear. In many ways it’s been a tough time emotionally, physically and mentally… but even though I continued writing during all of this, most of my thoughts were not for my blog.
Anyhoo… I have decided to finish reading my “personal” words and then delete them…I have been guilty of holding on to thoughts and people who belong in the past and do not deserve a place in my life. It is my own fault, I tend to see the good in people and obviously suffered from colour blindness when it came to red flags!
I have been guilty of false love. Loving a woman who didn’t really exist… just a chameleon, who changed with the wind, and proved to be s liar. This false love stopped me from really opening my heart to a woman who truly deserved it. I was too scared.
There are things that happen in life that we cannot fix, I did love this woman and we did marry. Even though I said No many times, Ros never gave up. Not even when cancer had her screaming in pain. When she received her terminal diagnosis, her first words to me were “well, you can’t say no now”… and I didn’t.
We married in a small ceremony in the hospice gardens at the Queen Margaret Hospice in August 2022 and it was at the hospice that Ros passed the following November.
I loved Ros, I still do, but she deserved so much more of my heart and for that I will always feel guilty.
I have been asked if I think I will have another relationship… and the answer is no. I do not have the emotional strength to face another relationship, I’m worn out with emotions, I really don’t think I have enough in me to succeed in a relationship.
On top of all of this, I am also now disabled. The arthritis in my hips can hopefully be helped by having both hips replaced but there is nothing that can be done for my hands and spine…. I feel like an emotional and physical liability, I wouldn’t wish me on anyone.
So…. I shall learn to love me and spend the rest of my life simply pleasing myself. Selfish, maybe, I see it as self preservation
Friendships that last
March 21, 2014
regular friendship, love, Leave a comment
I have just spent a few days with a couple of old pals of mine who, after 15 years of asking, eventually managed to drag themselves up to Scotland.
They managed to chill out and relax (they run a pub in Chester and are always working!) and I thoroughly enjoyed their company and the laughs! (not to mention the wine and the vodka!).
Friendship is a funny thing … some of the people who you think will be in your life forever slide away… some slowly, some suddenly and sometimes we beat ourselves up about it. I know I used to.
Time and age teach you great things … more about yourself than other people, as we all grow and change at different times.
I am very, very lucky with the friends that I have in my life… and I know it. They make my life richer and more beautiful and of course much, much more fun!
There will always be fairweather friends who come and go in your life, that is just the way it is. However there will be others who will be friends and in your life for a long time, you won’t have to spend all your free time with them, you may only see them now and again but you know in your heart that they would do for you what you would do for them.
These friendships have meaning, they are based on trust and loyalty and a maturity that sadly evades some.
These are the friends that I love … thank you …
Travelling through life …
March 9, 2014
regular ego, friendship, love, Leave a comment
As we meander down our paths of fate we experience things that stay with us forever.
Sometimes these things are unexpected .. a view that etches itself into your brain. an experience that changes us or marks us forever, a song that touches us to our soul… or the people we meet on our journey that open up a part of us we never knew existed.
I read a post the other day that said that sometimes in life we meet people on our travels, that will travel with us for the whole journey, some for part of it and others we should leave at the kerb.
I guess I have traveled the majority of my journey through life and yet I still find myself surprised at the attitude of some people… you end up being caught up in someone else’s insecurities, lies, ego and jealousy.
Frankly, I have had enough of this in my past that has left me suspicious and questioning of people’s motives.
I tend to be open, maybe too open and I find that the people who cannot handle my openness are people who have a lot to hide…. or are suspicious of me because I am so open.
I have nothing to hide in my life …. don’t get me wrong … I’m far short of perfect and I have made some horrendous fuck up’s … but I accept that .. I accept a lot about me now that I never understood when I was younger and I’m ok with that. It is done. It has gone.
I am going to continue on my own little merry way … taking the steps and the path I want to take .. I have friends in my life that I love completely .. and they know it … and it will remain that way. They bring joy to my life and make me happy … and I am not prepared to lose that.
Friendship
February 3, 2014
regular friendship, love, Leave a comment
Friendship is not about the parties or the fun.
Friendship is more than that, it is the people who make you stop and think.
Sometimes you do not like what you hear, but a true friend tells you the truth, no matter how hard it is to accept.
I am lucky, I have a few really good friendships, people who I love and trust, who tell me when I am blinded to what I am doing.
A recent example of this is that I have been trying to form a friendship with someone who was once more than a friend. I felt … and actually still feel it is the right thing to do, so I tried.
I have to hold my hands up and say i have failed.
Some people are not in your life forever, we have to let them go and treasure the people who really care for you. Words of love and friendship mean nothing, anyone can say them, it is the actions and the willingness to listen that proves a friend.
Thank you my friends for being there for me when I need you, I hope you feel the same way about me.
Share the love
July 17, 2013
regular adoption, civil ceremony, friendship, lesbian, marriage Leave a comment
Over the past few weeks I have witnessed love being shared in the most amazing ways between some wonderful friends.
I attended the civil ceremony celebration of Gillian and Terri, the wedding of Jean and Wullie and this Thursday my great “bloke” mate Marina will have a civil ceremony with the lovely Lorraine.
All of these are fantastic examples of love between two people and the happiness that they share with friends and family.
I am also very privileged to watch the story unfold of two wonderful friends who are nearing completion of adopting two children. I will not name them for privacy reasons, but many of our shared friends will know who I mean.
The two friends in question are the most wonderful, open hearted, caring women you can ever hope to meet. They are happy to dedicate their lives and sacrifice a lot for the love they have for others in need.
I admire all my friends, I love so many people for their caring attitude, their honesty, their humour and their courage but these two friends have shown me that happiness is found by sharing and caring for others.
There are many people in life who are happy to take, to use, to see a benefit out of a friendship. These people do not stay in your life.
The beautiful people do.
Thank you my beautiful friends.
Making friends….
July 1, 2013
regular Fife Inbetweeners, friendship, groups, lesbian, Outskirtsocial, Rubyfruits, women Leave a comment
Me and Lea at Inbetweeners 80’s night
In the lesbian world when a relationship ends you sometimes feel a bit isolated or alone. For many this is a trying time and when the reality of being “on your own” hits you do realise that sometimes you have to get out there and meet new people.
I found myself in this position when a long term relationship of 8 years broke up. I had friends but they were long standing friends of many years and most of them lived down south. Locally I was alone when it came to lesbian friends. A friend of mine told me about a woman’s group that she had set up in Edinburgh, Rubyfruits, that met on a weekly basis, so after a few weeks of doubting whether I wanted to walk into an established group on my own, I plucked up the courage to go through to a meeting. It was the right decision at the right time for me. I have met and formed great friendships over the last three years and through Rubyfruits I then discovered a group in Dundee, Outskirtsocial, where I have met other friends. These groups are designed to bring women together to socialise, organise events and make friends and work extremely well for women of all ages.
The events are varied and frequent. We have bowling, walking, barbecues, theatre and cinema nights, camping, weekends away, disco’s and general shenanigans!
I live in Fife and realised that there was nothing that worked in the same way as these groups so I decided to set up Fife Inbetweeners (Inbetweeners because we are between Edinburgh and Dundee). Last weekend we celebrated our first anniversary of the group with an 80’s night.
It was lovely to sit there and see friends, who without the groups, I would probably have never met… it was also lovely to sit back and see that through Inbetweeners we now have 1 engaged couple and a new romance blossoming. For such a small group of women (sometimes we total 20 in number) this is a great wee record!
Romance is NOT the main purpose of the groups, but a lovely addition to the friendships we build.
All the groups have had their romance stories (I even managed a very short one myself!) but the main purpose is friendship, support and a bliddy good laugh now and again.
After visiting friends in Romania I realise how lucky we are in the UK to have such freedom over our sexuality and how open we can be about it. I have friends in Romania who have to live such a sheltered, closeted life that they have no other lesbian friends at all. They have to stand alone and fight for their relationship and their love and they have my utmost respect for how they have done this.
One day my friends will visit and I will show them how we enjoy our friendships over here, I think they will be stunned at how easy it is.
If you are in Scotland and would like to know more about lesbian groups in your area please let me know .. I know of groups in Fife, Edinburgh, Dundee and Glasgow and can put you in contact with the right people.
Do not sit alone and let life pass you by, get out there, make friends and learn to laugh again!
52.5
June 25, 2013
regular depression, effort, friendship, recovery, stress 2 Comments
Today I am 52.5 … a strange thing to say I know … but my birthday is Christmas day and as a kid my mum used to give me a special day in the summer because she felt it was unfair for me to only have one day per year to celebrate.
I haven’t really celebrated my “half” birthday in many a year, but last year I ended up having a barbeque, not for me really, but for an ex who was celebrating her birthday.
It was a bit of a struggle for me. I tried to enjoy the day as my garden was full of some wonderful and funny women but I felt very out of sorts. It was nothing to do with any of the people there but rather within me.
I found it very hard that day, I ended up sitting in the summerhouse trying to find some peace but I tried very hard to make myself “mingle” … but I was forcing it, forcing humour, forcing smiles … I was struggling .. I wanted to be happy, but I wasn’t. It was so much of an effort and I just felt exhausted. I had also spent some time picking out what I thought was a fabulous birthday present. I was wrong and I ended up feeling very disappointed, not only because my ex didn’t like it or want it (it was a small Fossil leather bag), but that I had misjudged it so badly.
This year I am not having a BBQ, instead I will be celebrating the 1st birthday of Fife Inbetweeners (a gay women’s group that I run) … we are having an 80’s party, with 80’s food and a pool competition. It will be an evening spent with a small number of friends and this year I feel like partying, my humour will not need to be forced and I can enjoy the company for the great friendship it brings.
Sometimes we cannot see things in life until we look back on them from a very different viewpoint.
This weekend I will smile and celebrate where I am in life … I like it here, everything feels great again!
I left my heart ….
June 13, 2013
regular bear, friendship, holiday, Romania 4 Comments
… In Romania ….. oh damn .. doesn’t quite fit with the song!
Well .. I’m back in Scotland after the most fantastic week with friends in Romania. My pal Alex and I travelled over together, which in itself was an experience! Alex has a broken ankle and had booked wheelchairs at the airports .. great .. fantastic .. aye right! … she sat there like the Queen of Sheba being pushed along the long, long corridors of Heathrow while I ran alongside like some sort of Quasimodo from the sticks!! However, we did get priority treatment and to the front of the security queues etc … so it wasn’t all bad!
We spent the first two nights in Bucharest at the home of my friends … during this time we experienced the drivers of Bucharest in all their glory! Traffic lights are for decoration, lanes are just paint on the road .. and roundabouts … well .. they are just parking spaces!
To see Bucharest was an experience is an understatement … absolutely fascinating.. from the drivers (obviously!) to the beautiful buildings on show (and hidden away) … a place I would highly recommend everyone visits!
We left Bucharest after 2 nights of being fed so much food that I thought I was going to explode only to arrive in Sinaia in Transylvania and be treated to another HUGE traditional meal at a restaurant in the mountains. Not only was the company and food great BUT during the time there a bear was wandering outside the restaurant .. not that we seen it .. but Alex and I were like two kids in a sweetshop … until we had to leave … then I was more than delighted to get into the car before the bear got me!
After 2 fantastic days in the Sinaia area, where we visited Bran Castle (Dracula’s castle) and Peles Castle and saw some wonderful scenery, we moved up to Sibiu … not as dramatic scenery wise around the hotel but the main town was extremely beautiful .. as was a very special little bar we found that had only been open for 2 days .. I think we sampled most of the cocktails there … *smile* …
We discovered new words in the English language like Parkated .. infact we decided we like the word parkated so much we used “ated” at the end of most words … which at one point nearly killed us all as we were laughing so much in the car I thought we were going to crash!
We had a fantastic traditional meal in the town … along with traditional Romanian drinks … and although Alex and I were very keen to taste everything that was authentically Romanian we did draw the line at pigs brains …. *shudder*
Our final day up in Transylvania was visiting Balea Lake which is high in the mountains up the famous Transfagarasan Road … the drive was spectacular, the lake mysterious and wonderful (still partially frozen over in June!) and we even managed to have a snowball fight!
We left the lake and headed back down the mountain, presuming that we had seen everything exciting that we were going to see … how wrong we were … as we turned a corner, there in the middle of the road was a huge bear … we screamed with excitement and scrabbled for our camera’s .. I managed to get a couple of shots in .. but the do not capture the size or the beauty of the animal … he (or she!) was HUGE … and sat looking at the car for a good few seconds before heading back into the forest.
Our last night ended at 3.30am in the morning … me and one of my friends staying up to chat about the holiday, life and laugh at the experiences of the past week…. it was truly a holiday of a lifetime for me .. brilliant scenery, brilliant experiences and brilliant company …
I hope to return …
Some photos of the trip below!
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 
