I’ve lost myself at the moment, I am not sure where I am when it comes to “feeling”.
Don’t get me wrong, Im not depressed, I’m quite happy in my little life, it isn’t that, it’s just .. I can’t seem to “feel” anything.
I have, way back in the dustbin of my mind, a memory that does pop up from time to time to remind me of how I can feel and I think in all honesty, I want to feel again.
It’s been a long time since I really “wanted” someone .. and even longer since someone really “wanted” me in the same sort of way as I mean.
I remember the hours of love making, when it was impossible not to want to touch my lover, I remember the feeling in my stomach as it flipped when she smiled. I remember how my heart was just full of laughter and my mind full of surprises, wanting to see a smile on my lovers face. I remember the heat, the feeling that the real world was a million miles away. I remember when just by holding her hand I felt myself invincible. I remember all this.
I am not sure I can feel this now, I just have this overall feeling of disappointment and feeling very, very old.
Perhaps this will change, or maybe I am just worn out … time will tell I suppose.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 