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When it all comes together ….

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There is good and bad in every situation and every emotion that we feel.

For most of us we recognise the difference between negative stress and positive stress, a fulfilling love and a destructive love, and a sense of happiness that comes from within or that we have to find from elsewhere.

Some of us have had all three negatives hit us at once and it is very hard to describe what it feels like when your head cannot stop thinking and you just stop feeling anything positive or good at all.  These are dark, destructive times when it takes most of our determination to just get up and plod on through the day, we stop living, we start existing.

However, these times do pass.. we find our path again, we find ourselves again and life starts turning around until one day we suddenly realise that we are happy, content and looking forward to living again.   

This is not always achieved on our own merits, but by the love and care of our friends.  I have a few people to be very thankful to .. I will not embarrass them by naming them but they know the times I have felt happy in their presence, calm, laughing and allowing me to be me .. I am very grateful for those times.    I will never be able to repay some of these people for the fantastic gift of peace and fun that they managed to give me back.  

I will not forget.





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I heard on the radio today that the Panda’s at Edinburgh Zoo are coming into their mating season … seemingly the female gives out a mating cry and the male stands on his hands ..

At the pub this afternoon we were discussing how much easier this would make our lives if humans done the same sort of thing … I mean how easy would it be to read the signs if a woman started making noises at you (and I don’t mean nagging!) or flipped over and stood on her hands …

However, there is a downside to this … I’m old .. the chances of me ever managing to stand on my hands (unless someone was holding my legs!) is nil …. and if I made little noises people would probably think it’s wind …. *sigh*

My days of fornication and fun would soon be over!

Childhood friends

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I take friendship very seriously, I have a small circle of close friends who know me very well. They know the persona beneath the clown mask and they still like me!  (surprising I know!).

Some of my friends stretch back to my primary school days, some from my teenage years, my army days. some are ex lovers and some I have found in my more “adult” years.   

I know I am very lucky as those that I class as “close friends” are always there for me, as I am always there for them.

We have seen each other through some tough times, some great times and have cried and laughed, shouted and argued at some point, but still we come through, happy to enjoy each other’s company and laugh at each other’s shortcomings and failings.

Last night I spent the evening in the company of an old standing friend of 30 years.. she was always the friend I looked up to at school, the one I always wanted to be like.   In the end we have turned out very different… she is slim, fit and a twice divorcee, I am fat, unfit and a lesbian but still we have this wonderful friendship based on the trust and loyalty that we have for each other.

The great thing about us is that we really talk, I mean complete honesty, no holds barred and we have had nights when we have howled with laughter at some of our escapades (boy could we blackmail each other!!) .. and others when we have talked deeply about relationships, our worries and our fears.

Last night was a bit of a mix but mainly we talked about how we have changed in our outlook about life and our priorities and how sometimes we (as in everyone) lose out on being happy because of our guilt or our fear of how others will judge or see us.

We came to the conclusion that in the end does it really matter? … what does matter is how we are, how happy we are and how we have to put ourselves first and let all the responsibility of others depend on them, not us.

We are 52 years old (well technically she is still 51 .. but hey!) .. we have lived the majority of our lives by now .. we now know who we are and what is important to us.

The little rules we have made, the little beliefs we have … we should let them go .. in the end the only thing that the majority of us can leave behind that is of any importance is a wee smile in someone’s heart at a memory.   

I want to leave lots of smiles.

If …



I was thinking today about how we all deal with breakup’s and how they effect our thinking and attitude towards future relationships.   All very deep stuff that I will not bore you with, especially as this is always a very personal thing .. and there is no right or wrong .. some people can go from one love to another easily, others need to take time to let the love they feel change to a love they can understand or a forgiveness that gives them peace.

However, thinking back on past personal relationships I realised something rather sad .. or pathetic, depending on how you look at it….. I have often given time to people, second chances to people and I have waited…jeez how I’ve waited at times … BUT .. I’ve never had anyone who waited for me …

I am not sure if that says something good about me .. or bad about me …  but I find it rather sad …

The Perfect Storm

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We all feel the rise and fall of the waves of life at times.

I know I did for a major part of last year and it has really only been in the past couple of months that I have truly felt a bit more like me again.

I am certainly happier, I am certainly more at peace but I am still very tired for a lot of the time.   Hopefully this will be sorted out soon.. I am sure it will.

In the meantime I have hit this lovely plateau of peace and relaxation that I am currently taking a wee rest in .. and I think I will for the forseeable future.

For all of you out there who are going through a stormy time, just hang on, it will blow past.. I promise … sometimes you need a storm to really focus on what is important to you.


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I have decided to take a break from thinking too deeply and blogging at the moment .. I am in a very peaceful place again and sometimes you have to give your mind a break and just go with how things feel.Image

Thinking …

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