Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Life is a bit of a merry go round at times… my own is no exception.

From a place of feeling content, happy and loved, it was a huge blow when I realised I had been a bit of a fool and loved a woman who wasn’t real at all… a liar and a cheat who was happy fucking around emotionally and physically with someone she told me she disliked and no respect for…. after the hurt had stopped crippling me, I realised that it was a lucky escape for me. I had wanted to marry that woman, what a mistake that would have been.

The couple of people I have dated since then have also ended up being very different people to the people they say they are… but one thing all three have in common is that they were all needy people.

This confuses me. I am not a needy person… but for some reason I seem to attract them…. and to be honest I’m sick of it.

My faith in women was low before I met my ex… and now, further down the line, I realise I have no trust in women or in my own judgement.

I mentioned the other day about a new mattress… in fact I’ve gone the whole hog and bought new everything.

The ghost of lovers past will remain in the past. There will be no more. I’ve had it with the lies, the freaky mood swings and the booze… I have my peace… it’s staying that way.

Many of us try to convince ourselves that we are “in love” … when in reality it is not love but infatuation.

Real love is hard to come by, it isn’t always exciting, it isn’t always easy … but it is real.

I’m not perfect, I know I can be a bit of a recluse and grumpy at times. But I am honest and open. Sometimes too much so.

Anyone who wants to blame me for a failed relationship,feel free. I will take no notice of your gaslighting, you know the truth, I know the truth.

I don’t stand for nonsense. I don’t stand for bleating “woe is me”…we are all responsible for our words and actions. There are no excuses.

You made your bed, sleep in it.

I have had enough of 2018 already, and so today I have decided to start my “New Year” early.

I was thinking the other night about the people who have passed though my life, these past few years and have decided it is time for a new start!

Today I have ordered a new mattress, pillows, duvet, duvet cover set and mattress topper … to be honest my mattress did have a bit of  a hollow where I lie and it was time to renew anyway … but this gives me a clean start … a new bed, that no-one (apart from Sprout!) will share …

A wee thing to some I know… but I think quite an important marker in my life … a new mattress has always coincided with a new start for me … and this is just the start of another …

Here is to many peaceful nights … they are more important that we think!

Life is one long lesson, and not always an easy one to take.

This year has not been the best of years for me, to be honest I will be glad when it is over.

I have learned a lot this year, mostly that people are never who they say they are, and try to push their problems onto you.  I have spoken about Gas Lighting before and it is something that I will just not accept in my life.

This year I have had to deal with liars, cheats, drunks and those who wish to control, who fly off the handle at any perceived insult, when none was intended.

I am fed up walking on eggshells for people, fed up dealing with other people’s problems only to be left feeling bad about myself when I know that in reality I have nothing to feel bad about.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect, I know that … I have my own faults that I am aware of and try to deal with them the best I can but I will not be lied to, cheated on or be the virtual punch bag for other peoples problems.

I really thought I had met a partner for life with my ex, I was proven sadly wrong, she was not the woman I thought she was and I can’t believe I was fooled for so long, although looking back the signs were there, I should have cut my losses and left then.

My next wee foray into the world of dating was with a woman who told me she was single but had a bat crazy housemate …. turns out she was a drunk who did have a girlfriend … lying not only to me but to her too.

My next, I had high hopes for … she seemed to be a mature and lovely woman… and in many ways she was … but she could turn on a sixpence and her words were cruel and cutting … I was left feeling that no matter what I did I would always be in the wrong and the pressure to move too fast was too much for me.

I have a nice wee life, I have a home that I love, a dog that makes me laugh (and sometimes swear) and two cats that rule the roost … I also have a job that I truly enjoy.

My life is complete, I don’t “need” anyone to make it better, I don’t ever want to “need” anyone … I have always said that I want to be wanted .. and I want to want someone, for me that is more important than being a “need” … because when you “need” you will settle for someone that you don’t always want.

I have wonderful friends in my life, even though these days I am not the most sociable of people.  I like peace, I like quiet, I like to feel secure and that is what I want from life.

If this means I do it by remaining single so be it… I would rather be happy on my own than unhappy with someone that doesn’t understand the important of peace and security in life.  People like that will never be happy … they will always be searching for the next “fix” … which is sad for them.

A healthy single life is better than a relationship where temporary  plasters are stuck over  gaping wounds of dishonesty and neediness.

Maybe I have grown up … Maybe I have just grown tired of all the bullshit.

After arriving in Grantham yesterday, I have done nothing but laugh! A great night at Lou and Tony’s being fed fabulous pasta, amazing cake and drinking too much wine before the big day today. It was another great day today and I’m now about to go to sleep before a day out with some friends tomorrow…

Sitting at Gatwick hoping my flight is not delayed again! Friday was awful and I really don’t think my patience will take it…. had a fab few days away. The New Forest was beautiful and Torquay was lovely too! Met up with 2 ex army buddies and then had dinner with 2 of Linda’s friends…had a couple of visits to Linda’s beautiful house that she rents out as last tenants moved out on Monday… but she was delighted to hear today that someone else wants it!….

All in all a great weekend and we meet again on Friday at Grantham for my pals vow renewal! Life is hectic!!