What not to do when bored …

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The army back in the 80’s was not an easy place to be as lesbian.  You could still be kicked out and although there were a lot of us around, most of us were very careful where and when we had our fun!

In Ireland  it was particularly tough .. I shared a room with five other women and most of the rooms, even for corporals were shared.

During my time in Ireland I met a girl called Jan.   Luckily for me she was the PTI and I was captain of the hockey team so we both had keys for the sports store.   The sports store was really nothing more than a big shelf lined cupboard on the 3rd floor (top floor) of the WRAC sleeping quarters.

This cupboard was our den of inequity .. the place we met to do what some girls do <grin>

Jan had a terrible habit of always turning up late .. sometimes I would be waiting 30 minutes or more for her.

I passed the time by climbing the large slatted shelves and exploring what was on them.  On one of my forays I found a karate outfit, which pleased me greatly and I was often seen striding around in my really cool new PJ’s  (ok I looked a bit of a prat but I was happy!).

One particular day I came across a diving outfit, the rubber body suit, flippers and the rubber helmet.   Being a bit of a wally (see karate outfit PJ’s above….) I decided it would be really funny to put the helmet on.

So I did.

Eventually Jan opens the door

“BOOOO” shouts me .. my face squished into a pouting shape by the helmet.

Oh how we laughed …   until I tried to take it off..

It wouldn’t move.

“How much talc did you use” asked Jan

“Talc?… what do you mean talc?”  I mumbled (difficult to speak with a roll of rubber in your mouth)

No matter how much Jan pulled or wiggled, it wouldn’t move.

In the end we ended up in the corridor.  Jan with her foot on my head and her fingers under my chin (good job she was fit .. I could NEVER have got into that position!).

In the end it did roll off my face, and believe me it was painful, every little hair (that you didn’t know you had!) was being ripped out one by one.

My face was swollen, my eyes nothing more than slits … there would be no misbehaving after that!

The story doesn’t end there … in fact it gets worse …

Later that night I was in my room when there was a knock on my door.

In walks one of my friends (who was straight but knew all about Jan and I).

“CJ .. will you do me a favour, I don’t care what you and Jan get up to, but can you please be a bit quieter” she said

“OH NO .. you don’t understand” I garbled .. “It was the rubber helmet …….”

The look of horror on her face, and undoubtedly mine as those words left my mouth would have made a smashing picture …

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Finding my way…

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I think I always knew…

From the age of five I liked girls. I wanted to play mummy and daddies, I wanted to be the daddy.   We sometimes played the sound of music.   I wanted to be one of the brothers.   I played football, better than some of the boys. I dreamt of kissing girls.  I was jealous of friend’s boyfriends although I did have boyfriends of my own and had the usual clumsy fiddles of sexual exploration on bodies that repulsed and scared me.

By the time I was 18 I had full sex twice with a boy which left me wondering what all the fuss was about.   There was something wrong and I didn’t know what it was.

I played hockey. I listened to, and joined in with, the whispers and giggles about the sexuality of our PE teachers.  I always felt awkward about this and a little fascinated but still the penny didn’t drop.

My life at this time revolved around a hockey pitch.  I was chosen to play for Scotland, I was a star in my own little world and I wanted to carry on playing hockey but decided (much to my mum’s horror!) to join the Womens Royal Army Corp rather than go on to college or university.

It was when I joined this world of women I realised why my life had always felt a little lost in my life.

I was gay and I was scared.

My first experience was with a woman a little older than me, and a higher rank than me which meant that she had her own room, or bunk as we called them.

Her name was Chris.   Chris had a girlfriend who had recently been posted to another camp.  Her girlfriend did visit on occasional weekends but mostly Chris was on her own.

I always got on with Chris, I trusted her and liked her.  She became the person I turned to when my thoughts and feelings about my sexuality became too much for me to try to understand on my own.

We had a little routine, a couple of cheap bottles of wine, some crisps and some nice music playing in the background.  She would lie on her single bed and I would lie on the floor resting my head against a black and white checked stuffed dog.  We would talk, mostly about how confused I felt and about how much she missed her girlfriend.

One night, after a few too many drinks, I stood up to go to the bathroom and tripped over the dog, resulting in its head being forever sloped to one side.  I named the dog “My life”, which for some reason we found hysterically funny.

A few nights later, around a bottle or so wine down, Chris suddenly sat up and looked at me.

“Take your clothes off and get into bed”

I didn’t reply.  I just did what I was told.

She slipped off her clothes and slid into the single bed beside me.

I remember the feeling of total panic, excitement and want all mixed up together.  I was scared stiff, but I wanted to touch her so much.

“I don’t know what to do” I blurted out.

She kissed me then.  A soft, warm kiss.  “Just do what comes naturally” she whispered and kissed me again.

I felt her skin against mine, I felt her arms slide round me as she pulled me closer and I just knew what I had to do, I didn’t think, I didn’t plan .. I just reacted to my feelings

She was the first woman I heard cry out my name and shout for God all at once.

For the first time in my life I felt as I belonged.  I had come home.

We fell again into each others arms.  She snuggled against me and we slept.

Over the next few weeks (apart from when her girlfriend came to visit!), Chris continued to act as my mentor, advising, letting me explore, experiment, live out fantasies.  She taught me a lot, she gave me confidence.

One day she turned to me and said, “we have to stop this, you know enough now”

I wasn’t hurt.  I wasn’t in love with her, I always knew she was giving me a very special gift that I would take on with me.

I bought her a couple of bottles of wine.  She gave me “My life”

A week later I met my first great love.. lets call her “M” I was her first lover and her first love and she was the one who opened my heart and my mind to everything that loving someone should be..

I showed her everything that Chris had given me and we played and explored and loved each other in a deep passionate way.

Roll the clock forward 30 years.   I’m sitting in a converted barn with “M” and her female partner.   The log burner is giving out a beautiful light, I am sitting on the sofa and Maggie is lying beside me with her head on my lap and I am stroking her hair as her partner sits on the floor in front of us.

“I can really see what you two seen in each other” she says “M” has always said you taught her everything she knows and I would like to thank you for that”

“M” and I laughed and I wished I could tell that to Chris.

She had given me a gift that I passed on and “M” in turn had passed on.

Thank you Chris.

The reason I have been quiet!

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Ive been busy ..   in the garden … new decking, planting up .. now it’s done .. I’m exhausted but pleased!

In my day job (recruitment) I do not get to see the end result .. I have found that this project has given me a huge sense of satisfaction ..  as well as backache.

I hope you enjoy the photos

Auld folk and chip butties …

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Today has been a day of … auld folk and chip butties …  

I whisked my mum and my Auntie Maggie off for the day. My Auntie has never been down towards the border in Scotland so we headed off for Peebles.

It was a bit wet and miserable on the drive down and Peebles was no better. Although we circuited the main street 5 times (thanks to my Mums insistence that there was a car park).. however it seems this car park has mysteriously disappeared. I did find two car parks, but these were not the right car park and would have meant at least a 2 minutes walk to the town centre… which was far too far in the opinion of my two ancient creakies.

I also managed (on the fourth circuit) to find a car parking space in the middle of the high street, so I parked up .. only to be informed that 45 minutes was not enough time to have a cup of tea and a cake …

In the end, shortly towards the end of the fifth circuit I was possessed by a demon that shouted out “bugger it, I’m going somewhere else” and headed towards Galashiels.

There was at least 2 minutes silence from the creakies as they considered the fact that perhaps they had been too fussy, but it was too late, I was on the road to Galashiels and that was that.

Driving along the Tweed Valley was beautiful, the road was lined with daffodils, lambs were playing in the fields, ok so maybe one or two of them were lying dead but we ignored that…..

As we approached Gala I was informed by both creakies that it was necessary to find a toilet asap… I was rather worried about my leather seats (well.. the smell of urine on leather!) so I dutifully found them a wee cafe in a village just outside Gala… we even had a lovely cup of coffee and cakes!

The day was looking up … as we left the cafe (fed, watered and dewatered) we found a thrift shop .. which have magical powers when it comes to my mum .. they just suck her in in a whoosh of white hair, fluffy white scarves and blue rain jacket … Anyway .. after spending 20 minutes looking at other peoples rubbish she bought me a vase .. it is quite a nice vase.. but I already have vases.. and not much room .. but I thanked her and wondered where on earth I was going to put it.

My Auntie Maggie spent the 20 minutes staring at a bookcase full of books. Not moving, not touching, hardly breathing. At one point I thought she had died in an upright position. I was wondering if perhaps the thrift shop had a second hand coffin round the back .. but thankfully she suddenly came out of her obviously excitement enduced coma and picked two books that she gleefully bought for 50p (25p each) … We Fifers do like a bargain.

Eventually we did reach Gala… only to find that on one side of the high street it was sunny and fair and on the other it was raining! (not lying was very strange!)… We hunted in vain for an Edinburgh Woolen Mill (my auntie wanted a new jumper) but failed to find one .. so instead we hit the pound stretchers where the creakies charged through the door like a couple of elephants spotting a water hole …

My mum managed to find a new biscuit barrel … which pleased her greatly since it even came with matching salt and pepper dishes and .. much to my amazement .. I bought things too! Some Herb seeds, 4 tall solar lights for my garden and a couple of big bulbs for plants. I am not sure what they are .. but they looked nice in the picture.

We then decided it was lunch time .. “I know a lovely restaurant round here” says me … “Nooooo” the creakies replied in unison (did I mention they were wearing exactly the same rain jacket too….) “this lovely little cafe with do” …

So … 3 chip rolls, 2 cups of tea and a coffee later .. I realised that both the creakies were looking at me in an expectant kind of way … both with their heads tilted to one side … white hair neatly combed… matching rain jackets (did I mention that they … oh yes .. I think I did!) … “sooooo” says me … I presume I am paying”. Honestly it was like having 2 very smiley nodding dogs in matching jackets …

Lunch cost me £10.50 (which pleased me greatly!) … I am soooooo glad that they didnt take me up on my offer of the restaurant now … that would have cost me at least £70 … and the embarrassment factor of having the two creakies in the matching jackets “ooohing and aaaahhing” at everything and then discussing (loudly) how expensive things were .. then the good old “I will just have soup” routine .. where they both look at each other in a pathetic way waiting on me to say “nooo .. nooo it’s my treat .. have the steak/salmon/truffle stuffed up the arse duck” or whatever.

I got off lightly today .. next time I may not be so lucky …

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