Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Just before Christmas I decided I had enough of suffering with my back … it had gone past the point of being “annoying” and was painful all the time … trips to the docs and the physio done nothing much to improve it … until quite accidentally it was discovered that I have 6 lumbar vertebrae instead of 5!    Normally this does not cause too much of a problem but because I also have arthritis in my hip (although it has now been discovered only moderate and not as bad as first thought by my doctor).

A friend of mine said something to me online one night .. something so simple .. it had never crossed my mind .. it was simply “try walking faster” … So I did .. and amazing it worked! … from someone who could barely walk 200 metres without having to “rest” my back … I am now up to 2km .. not a huge amount by anyone’s standards I know .. but to me .. it is like being able to run a marathon.

I have now lost 1 stone 6lbs .. and another 2 and a half stone to go … but my target is to get back into my army staple belt, which at the moment does not reach round me … my journey since December has brought me amazing results .. I walk everyday .. I have a personal trainer who comes to the house twice a week .. and Im eating healthy food that I make myself.    My little world has changed dramatically .. and although my journey has a long way to go .. I know I am on my way …

This is a picture of me now (taken by my poor neighbours who think I am a bit mad!) and one taken in September 2014.. the difference is plain to see.

Image from http://www.informativequotes.com

Over the last two years I have completely changed my life.   In a way I was forced to and in a way I chose to.

I left behind a lot of stress, although day to day I still worry about if I am going to have work for the following week.

Being a single self employed woman is not easy and I have had to make sacrifices along the way.   My social life has been severely curtailed but my friends know my situation and they understand.    I have to plan what I can go to and even then sometimes it is a struggle to be able to afford to go to what I want to.

But .. I would make exactly the same changes a hundred times over.    I love what I do now, and I know I am very lucky to be able to say that.

I no longer feel as if I am just existing … and for a long time that is what my life felt like that .. now I am truly living my life the way I want to.    I have a great job, great pets, a wee home that I love and more than that .. I have peace .. peace of mind and peace in my heart.

No decisions we take in life are easy, it is sometimes difficult to walk away from things .. but if it doesn’t feel right, then we have to .. or we end up living a life that is not ours.

My new project is working on me … as in the physical me .. mentally and emotionally I am sorted .. physically there is still a lot of work to be done .. but slowly I am getting there .. I’ve lost weight, I’m exercising and adding that to the peace I feel makes me feel just bloody great!

A life change will not bring anyone instant happiness . it is something we have to work towards and we have to do that alone, for ourselves, not for someone else.    When you find happiness and peace in yourself, you realise that no-one else can make you happy .. they can just be happy additions to your life.

So .. take that deep breath, take that first step … you can have the life you want, you just have to brave enough to try.

I was commenting on a post last night from a young girl who has just come out to her parents .. her dad hasn’t taken it too well and she is obviously upset.   I told her to give him time, and I think that is the right thing to do.   People react in different ways to accepting what they don’t want to accept .. and everyone needs a little time to adjust.

There does come a point when you have to draw the line.

No matter what you are trying to fix, there does come a point when you have to hold your hands up and say “Well .. I tried .. the problem isn’t me .. it is you” .

If you find yourself at the end of excuses that you know are not true, you have to stop making excuses for people, you have to accept that no matter how much “time” you give them, they are incapable of changing, either out of immaturity, pride or sadly, just not being able to be honest enough with you or themselves.

Some people just cannot see past their own needs, they have no wish or understanding to accept anything that does not fit with their life or story .. how THEY want things to be.    No matter how had you try, you cannot mend or help someone who refuses to accept it.

You simply have to accept this, it is not easy, whether it be a parent, friend or ex lover .. you do still want to believe that they care enough to salvage something from what you had … this cannot always be.

Do not let your guilt and their knowledge of how to “press your buttons” win .. accept what was, accept was is and walk away .. some people will never find happiness .. not because of anything you do .. or don’t do .. but because of who they are .. and sadly some people cannot admit they are wrong.

Be strong, be brave .. and as someone else said on the thread  “be a tiger”

I love my new career as a Celebrant .. it let’s me indulge in three of my most favourite things .. people, poetry and writing.

Occasionally I write my own stuff if I can’t find a poem that really captures the life of someone .. but sometimes I come across absolute gems of writing by accident.   This one being posted by a fellow celebrant tonight … it is fabulous!

What will matter by Michael Josephson

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.

There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours, or days.

All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten, will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame, and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.

It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.

Your grudges, resentments, frustrations, and jealousies will finally disappear.

So, too, your hopes, ambitions, plans, and to-do lists will expire.

The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.

It won’t matter where you came from or what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.

It won’t matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.

Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter? How will the value of your days be measured?
What will matter is not what you bought but what you built; not what you got but what you gave.

What will matter is not your success but your significance.

What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.

What will matter is every act of integrity, compassion, courage,

or sacrifice that enriched, empowered, or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence but your character.

What will matter is not how many people you knew but how many will feel a lasting loss when you’re gone.

What will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.

What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom, and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident.

It’s not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

I want to share something with you … for those that know me you will already know this .. for those that don’t .. maybe I can just give someone a wee bit of hope ..

I have suffered with chronic back pain for years.   I have had numerous trips to physios, clinics and all sorts of things (including a built up insole for my shoes)… I am on a prescription of Co-codamol x 6 per day, Ibroprofen x 3 a day and because of the Ibroprofen I have to take Omeprazole to protect my stomach lining …  basically I rattle ..

3 months ago, quite by accident, after an xray on my hips for “arthritis” .. (which I do have but only moderate) . it was discovered that after 7 years of pain that I have an extra lumbar vertebrae.   That in itself is not a huge problem, about 10% of the population have it .. but with my arthritis it compounded my problems.

I had to lose weight.  Simple as … My target is 4 stone .. and so, just before Christmas I joined Slimming World.    So far I have lost 1 stone 6lbs .. but .. more importantly, after some very simple advice from a friend, who told me that if I walked faster it would take strain off my muscles (it is the muscles because of my gait that give me the most problems).   I tried it .. 1st day I surprised myself, 2nd day even more so … I am now walking about 10 times as far before my back hurts me and I have to rest it.    The weight loss obviously helps this too .. but just simply by walking faster I have managed to give myself a little bit of hope.

I need to build up the muscles in my back again, so I have called in my cousin (a Physical Training Instructor), and, because she is related to me .. and knows me well .. ignores my swearing and pleading and makes me carry on ..  I am using Kettlebells, TRX and she has even had me run (slowly and not very far!) but I ran!! .. I shocked myself.

I am 54 years old … and suddenly I have been handed a fabulous gift of being able to change things .. I had just accepted that arthritis was the cause of my chronic back pain, I didn’t question it .. but now … I KNOW I can do something .. and I will .. I do not intend to run a marathon … I just want to be able to think “I fancy a nice long walk” .. grab my “dug” and head off .. so far 2 miles is my furthest … not far in “normal” terms .. but when I think I couldn’t walk 200 metres before my back made me stop for a wee rest .. or I limped like an auld “limpy thing” … I am very impressed with my progress ..

I am not fooling myself, I will never have a “perfect” back .. and I think my gymnastic days are long gone *smile* … but I have a wee bit of hope of being able to do the simple things that sometimes were too painful for me … it is like finding freedom .. I have a new lease of life.    It is never too late to change things, we just need to want to.

Picture below is me then and now … I am really beginning to see the difference in myself…. and in the end .. that is the most important thing.

If you were my valentine, ah treat ye awfy guid
ah wouldny send you for the coal or to collect the wid
Ah’d wine ye and dine ye .. n gee ye a surprise or two
And Ah widny call ye any worse than a stupid coo
Ah’d treat ye like a princess and no let ye sleep on lumps
Ah might even let you cop a feel o my lady humps
Bit yer not my valentine … and sad as that makes me
It least Ive no got to shave my ligs for any burd to see!

No apologies .. written by me to amuse myself!

A Ken ah said ah luved yeh

Ah ken ah said ah luved yeh … and ah did mean every wurd
That was of course before ye turned into a monster of a burd
Ah didny mind you moaning .. in between the sheets
But yer constant bloody nagging got right inside ma heed.
Ah listened to yer voice but no tae what you say’d
An’ eventually ah decided to kick you out ma baid.
Ye didn’t take it lightly, ye took it kinda haird
Ah guess from you this valentines ah’ll no be gettin a caird.

A wee ode to us slimmers for Valentines …

I don’t believe in god … but I believe in the kindness of people  (click on where it says POST) … I canny work out how to put it directly in here!

can money buy happiness?

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If I could paint my life in colour a story would be told,

some black days and blue days But most would be in gold.

A sprinkling of red for the passion that flared,

a big splodge of yellow for the friends that cared.

A touch of purple as I grew older,

ageing without grace but definitely bolder.

Now mainly green for the peace that I find,

With a few streaks of pink for the dreams in my mind.

My pallet is waiting with all the colours I know,

to touch up the ending of my personal rainbow.

I had to play this at a funeral the other week .. and it has haunted me ever since .. and I have no idea why …

“If Tomorrow Never Comes”

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She’s lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she’s my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

‘Cause I’ve lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there’s no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she’s my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you’re thinking of
If tomorrow never comes