My fault …

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I have made many errors in my life, but today I have fucked up big style.  

I am embarrassed, I am in tears, I feel guilty as hell …. this bloody guilt problem always seems to bite me on the arse.

There are no excuses … no “but’s” … it was my fault … I have to accept that .. hold my hands up and say … it is my fault … and it is .. and I am so angry with myself for letting people down so badly.

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I am who I am …

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I had a very deep conversation with one of my longstanding friends tonight … albeit online rather than face to face or on the phone.

We have been friends for many, many years and have seen each other through huge successes and huge failures.   Our lives have changed many times over the years but what has remained constant is our friendship.

It got me thinking …

Looking back on my life I can see the bits of me that have changed and developed over the years.  It has not been a conscious decision to change, it has just happened.    Perhaps with a little help from hindsight and the odd mistake or two.

What I wanted when I was younger, is not what a I want now.    Making lots of money, or climbing into someone’s bed just does not appeal to me now.   Hell, I’ve made loads of money, lost it and survived.   The same with women …  it all adds up to phases in our lives.

There have been times when I have felt I could rule the world (and I wanted to!), and there have been others where I have wanted to run away and curl up into a small ball and let things pass me by.

There are times when I should have spoken out .. and there are times when I should have kept my mouth shut (I’m not very good at that!) …

I can’t say I have become wiser … what is wisdom anyway .. apart from a series of lessons learned .. but I have become more honest .. and discovered that not everyone likes that.

I have learned that no matter how much you think you can trust someone, the only person you can .. is yourself.

I have also been lucky enough to hit complete rock bottom … I know this is a strange thing to say .. especially as at the time it was the darkest place I have ever experienced … nothing made sense … nothing made me happy … I functioned, I didn’t live.

That probably taught me the best lesson of all … who stood by me .. and who didn’t … who could handle me at my worst.. and who couldn’t …

All of it.. the highs and the lows .. have brought me to who I am today … and I am very comfortable and happy with that … my life has completely changed… I have had to make sacrifices but I have done it … I have come through the other side … I have found peace, I have found contentment.. not through finding god  (I am not religious!).. but through finding me and what I need.

 

 

 

 

I’m still breathing!

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My poor wee blog has been neglected a bit lately … I have been so busy with work and writing tributes that I have just not the inclination to do any other writing …

Quick summary of what has happened lately .. busy with work .. and .. errrr… busy with work … which is fabulous and I can’t complain because I am really enjoying it.

I am also in the process of starting up another “branch” of the business … called “the last word!

Have a wee look here     The Last Word…. and contact me if this is of interest to you … if not .. please share!!   thank you  

 

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