Unconditional Love

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Love comes in many forms throughout our lives, many times it is a temporary love and not always a love that is truly unconditional.

I am not the mother of a child.  I am a “mother” of a dog.   If you are not a pet owner you will not understand the unconditional love that I have for my dog, and my dog has for me.  If she were human she would be my perfect partner.

She loves me for who I am, what I was and who I will be.  She doesn’t judge me, or try to change me and expects very little in return.  That is unconditional love.

I know from experience of my own parents and from friends who have children that the love they have for their child is like no other.

As we grow older we sometimes forget the love that our parents gave us.. we get annoyed with them, bored with them, take them for granted.  We forget.

Many years ago I wrote a poem, A Child’s Window, which I will share with you.  I will also share a poem that I found on the internet, I do not know who wrote it but I believe it is a translation from a chinese poster (happy to be corrected on this if I am wrong).

A Child’s Window

Smiling faces from beneath the hoods

their future as colourful as the sleeping spring.

The paths they walk lead to home,

The walls they climb are made of stone.

But soon, too soon, their play will end,

hopes and dreams left behind,

they wander now down paths of fate.

So let them play and learn their game,

let them dream and speak their minds.

For a child has eyes where we are blind.

When I am Old (author unknown)

When I am old and not my original self,
Please be understanding and be patient with me.

When I spill the soup on my own clothes,
And forget how to tie my shoelaces,
Please think about how I had taught you, step by step, to tie your shoelaces.

When you are tired of the words, which I am repeating,
Please listen patiently and don’t interrupt me.
When you were young, I had to repeat the same story again and again until you fell asleep.

When I need you to shower me,
Please don’t blame me.
Do you remember how I had to coax you to take your shower?

When I am helpless with new technology and things,
Please don’t make fun of me.
Think about how I patiently answered every ‘Why’ you had.

When both my legs are too tired to walk,
Please stretch out your strong hand to support me.
Just as I stretched out my hand to you, when you were learning to walk.

When the topic of our conversation slip my mind,
Please give me a little time to recall.
Actually, whatever the topic of our conversation is of no importance.
I will be contented, as long as you are listening to me by my side.

When my time has come, please don’t be sad.
Understand me, support me,
Just as how I treated you, when you were starting to learn about living.

I had guided you on your life journey back then,
Now please stays with me until my journey ends.
Shower me with your love and patience, I will smile with gratitude;
The smile of unconditional love for you.

Emotionally drained

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I’ve lost myself at the moment, I am not sure where I am when it comes to “feeling”.  

Don’t get me wrong, Im not depressed, I’m quite happy in my little life, it isn’t that, it’s just .. I can’t seem to “feel” anything.

I have, way back in the dustbin of my mind, a memory that does pop up from time to time to remind me of how I can feel and I think in all honesty, I want to feel again.

It’s been a long time since I really “wanted” someone .. and even longer since someone really “wanted” me in the same sort of way as I mean.  

I remember the hours of love making, when it was impossible not to want to touch my lover, I remember the feeling in my stomach as it flipped when she smiled. I remember how my heart was just full of laughter and my mind full of surprises, wanting to see a smile on my lovers face. I remember the heat, the feeling that the real world was a million miles away.  I remember when just by holding her hand I felt myself invincible. I remember all this.   

I am not sure I can feel this now, I just have this overall feeling of disappointment and feeling very, very old.

Perhaps this will change, or maybe I am just worn out … time will tell I suppose.

Stuck in the middle


Today on PinkSofa has been a bit of a baffling one.

Two people on there, one ex friend and one recent friend have been messaging each other about me.  I don’t know who started it .. I don’t know why but now I am portrait as some kind of bastard when I have done nothing.   I didn’t even know they were messaging each other.

I am getting more and more disillusioned with lesbians .. there never seems to be any truth and people just seem to want to use me.

I have no time for mind games, guilt trips or for being responsible for making someone feel good about themselves.

I have really had enough .. I had years of feeling like shit about myself and I really do not want more hassle or bother ..

I want an easy life with a partner who is honest, wants me and loves me for who I am.I don’t think I’m asking for the world so why does it seem impossible to find?

I Like this quote I dislike this quoteMy wish isn’t to mean everything to everyone but something to someone.


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I have no longer a reason to answer to anyone…

I no longer want the responsibility of anyone taking what I have to say the wrong way.

I have the ability to talk and write what I like.

You have the right to completely misinterpret all you like.

That is NOT my responsibility.  It is yours.

You have a wonderful ability of only hearing what you WANT to hear or what you want to believe.

Believe what you like, hear what you like .. that is up to you.

I will no longer put up with unreasonable behaviour and I refuse to be forced to understand YOUR point of view, when you have no respect for anyone’s point apart from your own.

I have said all this before   The Bubble.   I will not say it again.

I’m single .. a curse or a blessing!

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All of us, at sometimes have found ourselves single, whether through choice, or it being forced upon us.   The reaction to becoming single depends very much on the circumstances. 

I have sat and watched people online desperate to find a relationship, the need to “belong” to someone more important than to belong to themselves.

I am single through choice (although a very hard choice to make) and I am in no hurry to rush into another relationship.  

Of course being single does have it’s disadvantages, no opportunity for affection and sex being the main reasons, but for me it was having to cook (really .. I’m not lying!).

As for my life right now, I choose where I want to go, I choose who I want to see, I choose things that please ME! 

I guess I’m that little bit older now and realise that the only person who can make me happy is myself, it is a big responsibility to expect anyone to make your life complete.  My life is complete, I have everything I need. 

Needing and wanting are very different things, I want someone in my life to share the good times with but I don’t need them to enjoy my life.

I sit and watch with amazement the constant and rather sad messages that appear from people who need someone to make them feel complete.  It is a massive show of lack of self worth and people rush into relationships with all guns blazing only to find that down the line they had been blinded by the passion and had not stopped to realise what they really wanted.  Relationships built on need never last.  They never will.

Learn to love yourselves ladies, when you do the world will open up to you.. and so will hearts.

When love dies …



My friend (who is still too shy to write anything herself .. she should!)  sent me the above picture and asked me to write on the following:

“Hi..thought of a blog about ladies who hang on until the end because they feel its the right thing to do..although the relationship was over a long time ago or those who have tried to hold onto the love that is no longer given by the partner ! As we have all done !”

Bit of a touchy subject for me  and something I do not yet feel comfortable writing about in great detail suffice to say that I was in a long term relationship, where in my heart of hearts,  I knew was over about 4 years before it actually ended. Even though I was reassured time and time again that it wasn’t “me” that was the problem, I think I really knew it was.  I was just too proud to accept that someone didnt love me. 

In the end, even I stopped feeling, the only emotion was frustration and there was simply no affection.   I lost me somewhere along the line and I couldn’t go through the rest of my life in a relationship that was lacking that much.

I won’t say it was loveless relationship, I loved my ex in a much deeper way than I had loved before, in a “real” sort of way and I do still love her and I know she loves me, but somewhere we lost that special “something” and became friends. 

In the end that wasn’t enough for either of us.

To all my online friends!

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As some of you know I am off to Chester to meet a group of girls from Pink Sofa.  I am really really looking forward to it.

I have been to many meets in the past, mainly from the old Utopia boards off AOL and from these meets I have met wonderful women who are now truly friends in the real world as well as on line.

This weekend I will be able to catch up with Sandra and Erica (the Lornes!) in Chester, it has been too long (my fault!) and I’m really looking forward to catching up with them as well as meeting new friends.

Over the years I have laughed, cried, fumed and swore at some of the antics of people online, but more than that I have appreciated the times when things have not always been great for me and people have listened, made me laugh and generally felt much better about myself.

I have attended “virtual” discos.. stripped nekkid and run through chat rooms and generally made a complete arse of myself, but I have loved these moments .. I still say Fihs instead of Fish .. I still say Sheepies and Teefies and I still use the word nekkid!   All of which I have picked up from online carry on’s!

Sure there are one or two people who abuse friendship online (and in real life) but on the whole the gals I’ve met are a great bunch.  For those of you I haven’t met yet .. Im looking forward to it.. some of you make me guffaw out loud (not very lady like I know!) and I really do want to meet you all!

Relationships and friendships do start on line .. time is the great decider of whether they last or not, but one thing I do know, most friendships outlast relationships!

Have a great weekend this weekend gals, I will miss you … in my own strange way (but not as strange as Meg (one of my new online friends) as she likes to poke dead things with a stick) <grin>

A great responsibility

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I was sent this picture by a friend of mine who wanted me to write a piece on how difficult it is to give your heart to someone and how difficult it is to accept the responsibility of having someone’s heart.

The fear of giving and receiving love haunts many of us who have been hurt deeply in the past.   Until you truly love and lose that love you will never understand the great responsibility that some people take so lightly or for granted.

From a personal point, I do not give my heart away easily, but when I do, it is real and does not just switch off.   I have had many relationships with women throughout my life .. some very casual, some a little more serious but only four times I have really loved.

I have loved these women in very different ways, but all of them totally.  One was with a great passion but a very unfulfilling relationship that made me happy for very short periods of time but drained my emotions for the majority of it.  We are no longer friends, which I think says it all.   The other three have been based on a deep,  comfortable love and all three of these wonderful women are still very loved friends of mine.

In my youth I cared little for people’s hearts, or mine .. I leapt into relationships long and short with great enthusiasm, whether it be for a night, a month or a year.  I never knew what I wanted… I just lived for the moment… the future just a fairytale that would take care of itself.

Now I find myself in a strange position of actually knowing what I want .. I want a friend, a lover, a soul mate, someone who really wants me and is proud to be by my side .. but I am very cynical whether I will ever find all of these in one person, perhaps if I could take a little of all the women I loved and mixed them up together then I would find “the one”.

I will be very careful with my heart, I know myself and I know that I won’t give that easily.. but more than that I will be more careful with any hearts that may be given to me and that I am happy to accept.

I will never utter “I love you” unless I mean it and I know that it is truly meant back.   Until then I will keep my heart safely under lock and key and try to be brave enough to accept  the responsibility of someone’s heart when it is offered.


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A friend of mine from Pink Sofa sent me this last night and asked if I would write something about it on my blog.

“What do you do when your hearts in two places,
you feel burnt but you´re torn inside,
you feel love but you just can´t embrace it.
When you´ve found the right one at the wrong time. ”

It reminds me of the song by Mary Macgregor  “Torn between Two Lovers” 

You can hear it here  –  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VfCd4zqeveE

It is basically a reflection of a woman who is torn .. a situation I found myself in a long, long time ago.  I had to decide between the comfort of love or the excitement of passion.  I chose the comfort basically because my heart was torn but my head knew that the “passionate” one could never give me the peace of mind that I find so important.

Looking back, do I think I made the right decision?  Yes I do, I don’t regret it but I just wish that the “passionate” one had appeared in my life at a different time. 

What would happen if we met now?  Very little I think, too many years and lovers have passed under the bridge since then.  I always say I have no regrets, but maybe I just have a tiny wee “what if”!

My experience is a tiny, inconsequential, event that didn’t turn my world upside down, it just gave it a wee bit of a shoogle (shake!).. but for many women, especially for those who discover their sexuality later in life, it can be a horrendous situation.

These women are a lot braver than me .. and the feeling of duty can be a terrible millstone around their neck. 

As lesbians we are sometimes scornful of ladies who claim to be Bi or who have children, we strive for equality and acceptance yet in our own world we exclude.   Lets just try to be a little more understanding.

why life is like a toilet …

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I was chatting to a friend on Pink Sofa yesterday who has been a bit under the weather … she proudly announced in a message that she was feeling at ease with the world as she had just had a “satisfying big poo”.    After I had stopped laughing I got to thinking ..

Life with all it’s twists and turns IS like a toilet..

We all have to live life, we all have to go to the loo…

Sometimes life is easy, sometimes tough .. (we all know where I am coming from here!)

Sometimes life is desperate .. just like needing the loo!

Sometimes life is full of shit …. (enough said!)

Sometimes life is dirty and mucky and we struggle with it (we have all been in public toilets like that!)

But through life, we pick up experience and little markers that stay with us .. just like graffitti in a loo!

In the end, no matter how we hold back, or what we hold back.. it all has to come out in the end!

Brave up ladies.. face life.. use that loo!  <smile>

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