Goodbye 2013….



I am sad to see the back of 2013.   It has been a year that has shaped my future in more ways than one.

There has been heartache with the closure of Brae Scotland … but it was a huge weight off my shoulders, and although there was sadness at closing the doors for the last time there was also this huge relief and a feeling of freedom.

It also meant a change of career after 27 years in recruitment … scary … but exciting and I have found the perfect job for me as a Celebrant .. I just wish I had taken the risk many years ago!  

In the future when I look back on 2013 I think it will be year that gave me a second chance.   A chance to start anew, to move on from the past to do something that I really enjoy and become who I have always wanted to be.   

For many years I have been trapped .. in responsibility, guilt and expectation…. no longer … I am free … my future is exciting again .. I have plans .. which, until I am ready to tell all, will stay close to me.

I have to say thanks to the friends who have stood by me over the last year … you will never know how much I appreciate your friendship and for all the times you listened to me .. and sometimes just held me. … and ok, on occasion, tell me I’m an arse ….(which I do know …..) *smile*

Tomorrow night I will sit here, and toast 2013 … just a chapter in my life that has been read .. but probably the most important chapter in many, many, years.

So .. here is to you 2013 …  sleep well .. and thank you


I have no right …

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I have no right to look at the stars  and think of you

But I do.

 I have no right to miss you

But I do.

I have no right to love you

But I do.



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“You may take my happiness to make you happier, even though you will never know that I gave it to you.   Only let me hear, sometimes, when I am all alone, the distant laughter of your joy.”

Happy ….

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I have had a wonderful Christmas day/Birthday.

Lots of birthday greetings via Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, text messages, emails and phonecalls (although I did miss one from Romania, which is a bit annoying!)

I spent the afternoon with my Mum, brother, sister and aunt, having lunch at my mums.   We ended up laughing lots and I was very spoilt.

As I was sitting there listening to the banter around the table I felt this swell of love for everyone there.   I am lucky with the family I have, we have always had a close bond and great respect for each other.

My mum is a mum in a million, she has a huge heart, a good (but crap!) sense of humour and she has always let us lead our own lives, allowing us to move forward to become the people we are today.

She is also one of the most generous and open people you will ever meet.

She has stood by me and my decisions throughout my life, although not always agreeing with them, always supporting me.  Always proud of me.

We were taught to always be honest, to say what is on our minds and to always remember that what we give out, we will get back ten fold … and she has not been wrong.

She has taken the time to be very nice to various women in my life, because they made me happy, so she was happy.

She has voiced her fears about some .. and sadly, in retrospect, she has been right.     I am too much like her at times, too soft and too forgiving.

I have at times tried to change this about me … but then I see my mum, and my heart swells with pride… if I can half the woman she is .. I will be happy.

We never had a lot of money, I was a council house girl, my dad a Gardener and my mum worked in children’s homes and latterly as a Social Work Assistant.   When I was picked to play for Scotland at hockey we had to buy our own kit, tracksuits, strips, sticks etc .. which all added up to quiet an amount .. but my parents sacrificed a lot, including the chance to watch me play for Scotland, to make sure that I had everything I needed so I would not look like the “poor relation” of the team.

They also surprised me that year by paying (in secret) for me to go on the School trip to Italy … I hadn’t asked them because I knew they had spent a lot on me that year but they decided I needed to be “rewarded” for making them so proud of me.  The rest of the family did not have a holiday that year.    

During the bad time I had with depression last year, I eventually spoke to my mum about it … but she already knew … she had been watching me, waiting on me to tell her … not wanting to push me … and when I did … she cried with me … and then said “you are my daughter, I have always admired the independent, strong person that you are, this will pass” 

She was right… again.

This Christmas felt so different from last year.   I felt at peace, I felt happy, I felt relaxed, I felt loved.

My family are good people.  I am so proud of them.    I am lucky to have them and I am grateful.





I wish you …..

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This Christmas I wish for you to give yourself the best gift you can … peace of mind.



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If I could have one Christmas wish,

it would be be wake up to you,

to read the silent words that are held in your eyes,

to touch your face and softly kiss your lips.

You may not be my destiny

but you are my infinity


The many faces of CJ

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Sharon, my wonderful (drunk!) buddy and me!!

Today for a laugh I suggested on my facebook page that my friends should change their profile picture to a picture of me in honour of my birthday on Christmas day … many did … with hilarious results … I have laughed and laughed until diet coke came down my nose! … thank you ladies .. you have made me very happy .. and my sides are hurting now!!

Look inside …..



All of us feel under pressure to live up to expectations at times.

I certainly did, perhaps because I am one of those people who suffer from guilt and responsibility.   A good thing, yes, sometimes but sometimes a burden that is hard to shake off.

I am no longer young, I am no longer the person I was 20 or even 5 years ago.   I have changed, slowly… and it was something that took me a long time to accept.

I grew tired.  Tired of fighting battles, tired of stress, tired of not being heard and tired of being the person who was always expected to laugh.    So I made a decision (party forced on me because of stress), but it was a decision, to become who I wanted to be,  To stop the pretence and just become.

I no longer put up with crap, I do not put up with liars or troublemakers and I only have people in my life that I want in my life .. whether they be close friends or on the outskirts.   

I look back on the person I used to be and know I made mistakes, but I will continue to make mistakes, I am human and mistakes are part of our growing and becoming, but without these mistakes I would not be in the position or the person I am now.  So I am grateful.

I am under no illusion that everyone will like the new me … hell some people didn’t like the old me! .. but what the heck … I am old enough and wise enough to know that I cannot please everyone, so I won’t bother … those that like me, like me.. those that don’t .. well .. they don’t deserve me anyway! *grin* 

I have now found my place of peace, not just in a physical location but in an emotional and mental state and I am happy.  

I have also discovered that I no longer fear some of the things I used to fear .. being lonely .. I am not lonely, not being loved .. I am loved more than I ever have been and I know that the feeling of being the only person in the world that thought the way I did was a myth of my own making.

I do know that many of us are fighting battles within at the moment.   It is a turbulent and troublesome time and I wish I could take it all away and give you peace.   I can’t .. this is something you have to find from within, but I wish with all my heart you find your peace.

Always remember you are not alone.   Someone always cares.

Have a peaceful and fun festive period x


On this journey (that was party forced on me because of stress)

How depression ruins relationships

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For those of us who have tried (and failed) to explain what depression is like to someone who doesn’t understand …   for my part it was a new experience for me … I didn’t feel it come on me as it happened over a very long time .. slowly .. slowly .. slowly … there were days when the highs made me feel great .. but mostly I just felt nothing …  read this … you are not alone.

How depression ruins relationships.

because of you …

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Because of you ….

My world is a better place.   

I love you without doubt.

Without fear.

With a peace that reaches to my soul.

I love you.



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