A memory came up on my time line on Facebook today… it was a happy occasion, the wedding of my very good friends Zoe and Leanne.
I took their ceremony and by the time the evening guests arrived (including Ros)… I was very drunk! Which is very unusual for me, I rarely drink!
Poor Ros was on driving duty that night… (the ONLY time)… and as you can see, she wasn’t to happy about it! Even less so the next day when I didn’t want to get out of bed!
It’s such a shame that cancer stole her life in November 2022 at only 52 years old. She was the bravest and most caring woman I ever knew… even if she could put me in my place!
I feel deeply and I think deeply. This is both a curse and a blessing.
I sometimes step back from delving deep into my thoughts and feelings, just leaving them lying dormant behind a wall of keeping myself busy so my thoughts and focus are on anyone or anything apart from me.
This is my self preservation. My comfort blanket that stops the hurt and sometimes negative thoughts and doubt from over whelming me.
I know I close down, I know I exist instead of live. I know all this, but still I do it, it’s my way.
Then something simple happens, a conversation with a kindred spirit, who understands what it is like to face deep thoughts… and suddenly my own deep thoughts don’t feel so overwhelming… and all of a sudden I can really think again… and it is not as scary or painful as I thought it would be.
The waves of hurt that used to crash down on me have ebbed… calm shores have returned and I’m so relieved.
Life still has much to offer and although I still doubt I have the emotional strength or will to ever want a partner or a relationship again, I realise that there are still great people out there that can touch my life in a special way and right now, that’s huge!
The last four years have been been life … and death changing.
After the heartache of losing a woman I loved with all my heart due to her lies snd cheating, I was a bit cynical about women and after having a couple of disastrous dates, I decided to give up and just stay single.
The day I went online to cancel subscriptions to a couple of lesbian dating sites, I noticed a message from a woman, who just happened to live locally.
To cut a long story short, we decided to meet for lunch at a local beach side cafe, in Aberdour. Ros had just come out of an abusive relationship and so we both had a lot of hurt and trust issues… but perhaps we recognised that the hurt of our pasts somehow bonded us… and our lunch meet became our first date!
Little did we know then that our journey together was going to be life changing, in more ways than one.
A year into our relationship, Lockdown happened and it was then that we decided that Ros should move in with me.
Just 6 months later, Ros was diagnosed with stage 3 endometrial cancer…. And so began a new journey.
Ros had to undergo a huge operation, that caused additional problems and caused a delay to her chemo and radiotherapy treatment. In the middle of all this her mum passed, and with the exception of just s few of her family, her relatives were downright disgusting. Ros came through this with dignity and strength, that left me in awe of her.
Then my mum became ill and eventually a place had to be found for her in a care home. Thankfully she settled in well and it was one less thing to worry about.
Unfortunately, my arthritis decided to make life even more difficult… and my mobility is now badly effected, leaving me only able to walk short distances with crutches.
Just after this happened, Ros’s cancer returned and this time it was terminal. Ros had asked me numerous times to marry her… I had always said no… but when she was told she was terminal, she gave me no choice and so in August 2022 we married in the hospice gardens. The next few months were a cycle of Ros coming home, being in tremendous pain, or drugged up to such a level that she couldn’t function. It was hard for Ros and hard for me… the emotions switched from sadness through frustration to anger and despair. The medication removed a huge part of reasoning but without it Ros was in agony.
Through all of this I was working full time, running her to appointments or visiting the hospice, all while trying to juggle the dogs and visiting my mum… and I found it tough.. both emotionally and physically. Sometimes I felt I was going to break, I had never found life so tough… then I stepped back and realised how selfish my thoughts were… and that is when the guilt started. I was tired, but Ros was dying. I was frustrated but she was scared… and I couldn’t do anything to fix that.
Ros passed peacefully in November. Myself, her niece Natalie and her gf Laura were by her side for days and nights… Ros didn’t wake for 4 days and when Ros did pass, it was in the middle of laughter… I like to think she could still hear us… and I tell everyone she died laughing, I like to think she did.
This is my photo tribute to the kindest, bravest and sometimes most annoying woman I knew… and loved.
Ros on our wedding day
When we first metOur last wee break away together to Duck Bay, Loch LomondMy friends and Ros’s ashes completing a sponsored walk she planned to doThe scattering of Ros’s ashes
Well… it is time I grabbed my feather duster and cleared out the dust in here!
My poor blog has been sadly ignored for far too long. There are a hundred reasons that will become clearer as my posts appear. In many ways it’s been a tough time emotionally, physically and mentally… but even though I continued writing during all of this, most of my thoughts were not for my blog.
Anyhoo… I have decided to finish reading my “personal” words and then delete them…I have been guilty of holding on to thoughts and people who belong in the past and do not deserve a place in my life. It is my own fault, I tend to see the good in people and obviously suffered from colour blindness when it came to red flags!
I have been guilty of false love. Loving a woman who didn’t really exist… just a chameleon, who changed with the wind, and proved to be s liar. This false love stopped me from really opening my heart to a woman who truly deserved it. I was too scared.
There are things that happen in life that we cannot fix, I did love this woman and we did marry. Even though I said No many times, Ros never gave up. Not even when cancer had her screaming in pain. When she received her terminal diagnosis, her first words to me were “well, you can’t say no now”… and I didn’t.
We married in a small ceremony in the hospice gardens at the Queen Margaret Hospice in August 2022 and it was at the hospice that Ros passed the following November.
I loved Ros, I still do, but she deserved so much more of my heart and for that I will always feel guilty.
I have been asked if I think I will have another relationship… and the answer is no. I do not have the emotional strength to face another relationship, I’m worn out with emotions, I really don’t think I have enough in me to succeed in a relationship.
On top of all of this, I am also now disabled. The arthritis in my hips can hopefully be helped by having both hips replaced but there is nothing that can be done for my hands and spine…. I feel like an emotional and physical liability, I wouldn’t wish me on anyone.
So…. I shall learn to love me and spend the rest of my life simply pleasing myself. Selfish, maybe, I see it as self preservation
A friend of mine posted something on Facebook today … part of it is posted below:
“I fall in “LIKE” easily…. But it’s very hard for me to fall in “LOVE”…. Let me explain.
In the beginning people show you the best side of them, the side they know you’ll like… They always seem almost perfect and you can’t believe your luck. You can’t believe someone who’s almost perfect and single is giving you an opportunity…. and that’s why I fell in “LIKE” really easily…. Because I liked what they were showing me in the beginning. I started thinking this person’s great, amazing, almost perfect and I can see a future….. Here’s where it changed…. They’ll do something, say something or start to change their character in a way where you’re like “hold on this isn’t the person I liked”…. Too many people are “temporary” or “throw away” because they’re fake or can’t be truly themselves in the beginning. And that’s why I find it hard to fall in “LOVE”. I just wanted someone who’s consistently the same. No switching and changing on me.”
This rung a chord with me …
People will say what they think you want to hear in order to get what they want. I have fallen for some wonderful old lines “Im not like that” “let me show you what it feels to be loved” .. and in the end they have been just words.
I do not think I am a particularly complex person .. simple things make me happy … I like peace, I like to laugh, I like to feel secure and wanted.
I cannot stand being constantly let down, disappointed, not listened to or feel like I am being used…. or in one case, like a secret that was too embarrassing to admit to. Yet, in a relationship, I find that this is often how I feel.
I made a conscious decision to take time out for myself a couple of years ago .. I needed the time to concentrate on fixing me rather than trying to always be the support for someone else. It is a decision I do not regret, it has made me see myself in a different light, what I need, what I want and to let things go that used to play on my mind.
I have been very lucky with the close friends that I have, who have understood that sometimes I just need to be alone .. to potter, to do nothing, to think … to be me… but if I have needed them or wanted company, they have been there with their silent, but very appreciated, support.
I have a very different life to the one I had a year ago … I have no stress, no worry, I have peace in my heart and in my mind . and it is truly a beautiful thing to realise that you wake up happy every morning.
Maybe I am destined to remain single … I am certainly not worried about whether I meet someone or not .. but I do know that when, and IF, I do meet someone it will not be someone who sets my soul on fire for a short time … it will be someone who makes me feel the embers always, someone I can rely on. Someone who gives me peace.
Over the last two years my life and my circumstances have changed beyond recognition.
The depression brought on by stress was a very tough time, but in hindsight it made me stop and look at my life and what really made me happy rather than what I thought would make me happy.
I know I am a woman of two halves. I love my friends and socialising and yet I love time on my own, in my peace.
Lately my circumstances have curtailed the times I can spend socialising. I have had to plan what i can do, I have had to hold my hands up and say “sorry, I can’t make it” … sometimes I have lied and used various excuses rather than admit the real reason .. but the more I think about it .. it is the embarrassment of not having money that makes me do this and the question I then ask is .. why? …. I have no idea .. so … I have decided to be honest and say please excuse me if you think I am being unsociable, but I have to pull the belt in for a few months.
The strange thing about having no money is the peace I have found…. maybe it is a mixture of now embarking on something that I want to do rather than I have to do … maybe it is because I realise that I do not need a lot of money to be happy, I have peace in my mind once again. I am happy.
Following on from a question on one of the facebook groups tonight … a question was asked .. “what is your idea of love?”
It is a very difficult question to answer as there are many types of love. We are capable of loving people in very different ways, from the love we have for our family, the love for our friends or the love that can break our hearts.
Even a romantic love cannot be parceled up and put in a box. I have had various lovers over the years that I have loved, but I have never loved the any of them in the same way.
I probably have a very boring view of love. The passion and the drama are exciting at first but I soon tire of it and it is when this dies down that I begin to love, or not, as the case may be.
For me I need a love that gives me peace. A love that is independent and true. No drama, reliable, comfortable. The sort of love where you can sit in silence doing nothing and being perfectly happy. The sort of love when you think “we” instead of “I” and you feel comfortable in planning ahead.
I have just returned from a wonderful holiday in the Highlands of Scotland … Spean Bridge near Fort William. It was beautiful, warm, peaceful and fun. The pictures can speak for themselves…. Hover over the picture for a description.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 
