Beautiful and heartfelt!!
My fear of Glasgow
August 25, 2013
regular coward, fear, Glasgow 4 Comments
I am off to Glasgow later today for a couple of nights. I have to go because I am on a course for my Celebrancy training but I really dislike Glasgow.. well, dislike is not the right word .. more “fear”…
I used to love Glasgow .. I loved the vibrancy of the clubs, the stonework of the tenements, the history and the humour of the people. I suppose I still do but I do have an underlying fear of Glasgow.
I have visited Glasgow a handful of times mostly during the day but I have only been “out” in Glasgow a couple of times over the last 15 years because of one incident that took place when I was out with my pal Jen clubbing one night.
We had stopped off for a couple of drinks (and I mean two) in a pub before hitting the clubs. It was not long after we arrived in the first club that I had my drink spiked.
Thankfully due to Jen’s diligence nothing bad happened, apart from me having my money stolen.
Jen did manage to get me back to the hotel (ironically the same hotel I am staying in tonight and tomorrow!) … and get me into my bed. She sat over me until I suddenly “came round” … clear as a bell with no memory of the club or getting back to the hotel.
Jen said she realised there was something wrong when she said to me in the taxi back “do you want some chips” and I said “No” (the people who know me in real life will realise how much of an impossibility this seems!)
I have never been this “out of control” before and never want to be again. I was lucky that Jen noticed something was wrong (although I do think that what happened to me stopped her from pulling that night!! she probably hasn’t forgiven me for that!!).
I know it’s silly.. I know my brain tells me not to be stupid .. but it is a fear, a genuine fear that I have .. like some people are scared of spiders or mice … for me it’s Glasgow …
Today I will take a deep breath and face my fear (although I will not be visiting any pubs or clubs!) .. I think taking the first step to finding my confidence again with Glasgow is something I need to do and in a way I want to do… I am fed up making excuses for not going out with my friends all because I am a big fat coward!
The right direction
August 23, 2013
It has been a funny few weeks so far since we shut down our business.
A time of reflection, regret, relief and excitement. An end of an era but the start of a new chapter and a time when I realised that there is no use in worrying over the past. It has happened, it has gone .. I cannot go back and change anything and even if I could, I am not sure I would.
This is the new dawn for me, A second chance at life and getting it right .. which I know is something that not everyone is lucky enough to have, so I will grab it, hug it tight and treasure this rare opportunity.
This week has mainly been about the financial and legal side of my new business. I have had a meeting with Business Gateway and have made numerous calls regarding grants and training investments, which have all been very positive. I have arranged a meeting with a possible bank for the new business account and found out that as I am ex forces I may be eligible for additional grants too!! … here’s hoping!!
I have been working today on financial forecasts … it took me a while as finance is NOT one of my strong points, but eventually it all came together and it made me realise that what an opportunity I have for a fantastic work/life balance.
I may have no money, I may have a social life that will be practically non existent for the next few months but what I do have again is a passion and an excitement for the future.
I am off to Glasgow on Sunday ready for my course next week …. I can’t wait!!
Insult
August 20, 2013
I was insulted last night.
People judge others for all sorts of reasons.
I am in a very good place in my life, I have my peace, I am happy, I am me, imperfections and all .. and I’m ok with all of it. I realised last night that I was not angry at the insult .. I felt pity… I have been lied about before .. and I have allowed myself to get angry about it … until I realised that insults and lies say more about the other person than it does about me.
I hope that one day you find your peace. I hope that one day you will realise that to judge someone on the “false standards” you have is a fools game.
I am also really sorry I have seen this side of you. I really didn’t expect it.
Simply beautiful
August 19, 2013
Published on 6 May 2013
From the new album by Ólafur Arnalds, “For Now I Am Winter”:
iTunes: http://smarturl.it/OAiTunes
Amazon: http://smarturl.it/OAamazon
Vinyl: http://smarturl.it/Oavinyl
Composer: Ólafur Arnalds
Director: Harald Haraldsson
Producer: Wonwei
Art Director: Erik Parr
Cinematographer: Árni Filippusson
1st AC: Steini Magnússon
Gaffer: Högni Marzellius Þórðarson
Lights: Sigurður Már Davíðsson
Styling: Hulda Halldóra Tryggvadóttir
Actor: Kormákur Krummi Guðmundsson
Open your ears, your eyes, your mind and your heart …. this is simply beautiful!
Special thanks: Sagafilm, Luxor, Hreysti, Hjalti Harðarson
Music video by Ólafur Arnalds performing Only The Winds. (C) 2013 Mercury Classics, a Division of Decca Music Group Limited
Almost there ….
August 18, 2013
I’ve come close a few times.
I will always believe I’m almost there.
Simple things …
August 17, 2013
regular back pain, spasm 1 Comment
I only wanted to move the printer and the small cabinet it sits on a couple of inches .. It isnt particularly heavy … but I think it may have been the angle I was bending over at …. whatever .. my lower back has gone into a spasm.
It is not a major spasm (thankfully!) .. but painful enough to make walking, sitting and lying painful and difficult … there is just no comfortable position!
It has been a couple of years since I had a spasm this bad … it is annoying, frustrating and makes me swear …. I can’t even have a ciggie because I have given up and have none in the house .. and can’t have a drink because of the pain killers… and can’t have a back massage because I’m bliddy single! LOL
… I have my grumpy chicken face on …. I am due to be going to a party tonight … I am hoping the pain eases off a bit … it had better!!!
Grump, winge, moan, whinnnnnneeeeeeeee
Standing on the edge…
August 16, 2013
regular beginning, edge, future 3 Comments
I am standing on the edge of something new and unknown and I am smiling,
Everything just feels right and for once I have no stress, none. Just the ability to live life for what it is.. a chance to make me happy .. and a chance to make a difference.
I have no money, I don’t care. I have enough to get by and survive on and that is all I need right now.
I am very excited about the future, I see a purpose again. I have lost the feeling of just existing.
There is fire in my belly and a smile on my face. Actually .. it is more of a smirk! I have at last found my place, found my freedom and it wasn’t half as frightening as I thought it would be.
I know I am lucky, I have been given a second chance and I am going to take it and run with it and hopefully make some people feel very special. I am doing what I love.
Breaking free….
August 15, 2013
regular stop smoking 2 Comments
I have today stopped smoking.
At the moment I have a patch on, chewing gum in mouth, lozenges sitting on the side and an electric cigarette!
I am determined to stop this time. I have said for a good few months that I “was going to stop” .. but the choice of when has been taken away from me with the fact that I am now unemployed after the closure of my business. I simply cannot afford to smoke!
I know I have a major fault when it comes to doing things for myself.. I simply do not do them .. I tend to do things for other people but this time .. it is for me.. and the moths that are now living in my wallet!! *grin*
Anyway…. today is day 1 … and already I noticed the smell of smoke when I got into my car to go to the clinic about my back today.
I do however look like a demented hamster with my chewing …..
Oh well …. *smile*
New beginnings
August 14, 2013
regular depression, new beginnings, start 1 Comment
If we are lucky we will suffer a really tough time in our lives. I say lucky because when you are at rock bottom you find out what is really important to you. Often what you discover is surprising, but it does give you the opportunity to look at your life and yourself and decide if you want to change.
It is no secret that I suffered from depression last year. It was a very tough time for me as I was very stressed about the business I then had, I was worried about the people who worked for me, I was scared to fail again.
Throughout my depression and my non productivity in work, Karen my business partner stood by me, she understood, gave me space, let me rant, gave me peace.
This is actually the second time Karen has helped me in this type of way. 9 years ago I lost another business and my home, everything I had worked for. Karen stood by me then and let me recover in my own time, just like this time. I can never thank her enough for that and she is still the person I trust more than anyone else in this world.
We both realised that there was little we could do to save the business. We tried so hard but eventually all the fight just left us. We had an acceptance of our fate.
Today for the last time Karen and I sat together in our office as Karen has still a little bit of financial work to finish off. I went along to help carry stuff to the car and basically annoy her *smile*.
As we left I said to Karen “it served us well” .. and it did. For both of us it was an experience that we learned so much from, about business, about ourselves and, most importantly, that no matter what, life goes on.
Karen starts her fabulous new job on Friday. It is her dream job and I am so happy for her. For me, I am still plodding around the job centre until I can get things sorted out with Business Gateway (or not!) … and get myself up and running as a Celebrant.
It is a whole new career and a whole new beginning for me. After 27 years in recruitment it is a bit scary to be going off to do something completely different, BUT I know this is the right thing to do.
I may be financially and, therefore, socially restricted for a while but that doesn’t matter. I have lost the stress and replaced it with excitement.
This is my new beginning.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 