Blooming ….

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There are cycles in life that, like the tide, ebb and wane.    How we view ourselves and our confidence levels tend to go through these cycles, most of the time with just a little “irk” at the pit of our stomach that pass by as quickly as they appear.

For some the cycles can have a more dramatic and lasting effect.  Often due to losing something we hold close to us, whether it be a job or a relationship we suddenly find ourselves floundering in no man’s land, afraid to let go of the past, too scared to take a step towards the future.

The process can be slow and painful, but it is a prison of our own making, our heart and mind turn against up, battling for control of our emotions.

Slowly .. like a seed our lives change, we begin to emerge from the darkness, into the light and all we need to begin to bloom is a little sunshine in our hearts, a little hope in our minds.

The cycles we go through are not always pleasant, and nor should they be.  We learn far more about ourselves from the tough times we go through than the good times.  We do not often question why we are happy, but we do question why we are not.

It is lovely to watch someone emerge from their darkness, to see them grow and bloom and become …  to join the rest of us who can now tilt our heads to the sun and smile.

My no-where place…

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Peace of mind is a strange thing.   It develops it’s importance over the years, sneaking up from behind the need to be rich, famous, successful or anything else.

As I have aged I have changed and developed who I am, not by any deliberation but by a slow natural process. I know that I have now reached the place in life where peace of mind is the most important thing for me.

The past year or so, I have spent time mulling about, thinking a lot, spending time on my own and getting to know me all over again after realising that somewhere I had lost the soul of who I was.

It hasn’t always easy, I’ve made a few mistakes, I’ve handled things in the wrong way (and I am certainly not proud of those things), but they have helped me on my journey.

Recently I was flung into another turmoil, a rather more lovely and pleasant turmoil than some of the the things that have been rattling round my old brain – but still, something that could mix up my life as it was such a shock to me.   It made me suspicious and protective of myself.

Then something slowly dawned on me… life isn’t about possibilities or maybe’s, life is about actual situations and “the moment”, not the any future that we may dream of, or hope for.

I decided to take a risk, because that is what felt right in my head.   I’m glad I did.

My no-where place has a new chapter in it’s life.  A chapter that so far is filled with laughter, affection and good feeling.

My place of peace.   No amount of money can buy this feeling.


Eviva España


té español

This weekend I tried Spanish tea for the first time …

To be honest I was surprised at how lovely it was and perfect in everyway.

I much prefer it to coffee.

When a butterfly flaps it’s wings …


When a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world it can cause a hurricane  in another part of the world.  

Author Unknown

We probably all have heard of the “butterfly” quote .. it is also known as the Chaos Theory.

I prefer to look at it differently.

Our actions, no matter how small can have a lasting effect on others.

Cruel people bring sadness and hurt into other’s lives through jealousy or rage and never seem to appreciate the damage that they leave in their trail, they are blind to it because of their own inability to feel things deeply.

Those of us who have been deeply hurt appreciate how our actions and words do have to be “carefully chosen” at times, often a kind word or compliment can really touch the heart and hope of someone who may be drowning in their own emotions.

Often we are unaware to our own “power” of making things happen and how we make people feel, not through cruelty but by simply being human.  We all have our frailties, our imperfections and our doubts … what we do not always have is the self awareness to realise our “power”.

I guess this is no bad thing, if we thought we could act in a certain way to get a reaction we wanted then that stops being something that is honest and true to being something manipulative and contrived.

Often I have a battle within me.  Often I do not know what way to turn because I get caught up with Guilt and Obligation (both in capitals because I know these are two values that sometimes play too highly in my decisions!), and perhaps Fear too … we all fear rejection, humiliation and hurt.

I have people in my life, who I truly appreciate because they can make me stop and think and listen to myself.    They make me take a deep breath, and take a risk, be honest, be true.     I don’t think you can ask anymore from friendship if it can make you free within yourself.

Recently, someone else’s actions have prompted me to be completely honest with myself and someone else.   I am glad I have been, it was a huge step for me to take, simply due to my own insecurities and how I view myself.

A big lesson for me, and one I will try to remember, a compliment or a smile costs nothing to give, yet it can mean the world to someone.   It may even change their life.

The words are not mine …

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.. Two poems by my dear pal Kate …

I was going to write a little story around them, but to be honest, they are pure and honest and stand up in their own right

I love them .. I hope you do too!


Take me Home

You run your fingers down my spine

And I can feel you tremble with anticipation.

For now you just want to hold me, caress me,

Run your hand across all my imperfections.

As if that will tell you all you wish to know.

You breathe me in, and savour the scent,

But you can’t sniff out the mystery

Or learn about the secrets buried within me.

You take me home to have your wicked way,

And I enjoy every second of it as you touch me.

Watch as you smile and get lost in me.

Cherish every…





Barrier Up!

Could you switch your headlights off please Sir?  Thank you.

Sorry, can you turn your car pass the right way up?  Cheers.

And remove your thumb from the photo.  Thank you.

Yes Sir, they let women do guard now.  Yes, it’s loaded.

Barrier up, barrier down.

Barrier up, barrier down.

Smile politely, nod and agree.

Queue forming is there Sir?  How about that, 4 deep.  Beaten my previous score.

Yes Sir, I need to see everyone’s I.D.  Yes, I’m aware there’s six of you

But this is a military establishment.  Thank you for your co-operation.

If you could just move your thumb Sir, thank you.

Barrier up, barrier down.

Barrier up, barrier down.

Smile politely, nod and agree.

Sorry Sir, you can’t park there.  Because you’re blocking the road Sir.

No, I’m sorry Sir, not even for a minute.  Thank you Sir.

Good evening Sir, can I see some I.D. please?  No Sir, I don’t know who you are.

No Sir, it’s not past my bed-time.

Barrier up, barrier down.

Barrier up, barrier down.

Smile politely, nod and agree.

Turn your lights off, move your thumb.

Stop peeking at me from behind that faded car pass,

I can’t possibly read it from here.  Have some courtesy, open your window and talk to me.

Turn your lights off like the sign says.  Don’t argue with me, I’ve got a gun.

Smile politely, nod and agree.

Barrier up, barrier down.

Barrier up, barrier down.

You’re the public face of the Air Force so nod and agree, smile politely.

Iron your trousers, polish your boots, abandon hope all ye who pick up a rifle.

Barrier up, barrier down.

Barrier up, barrier down.




OOH! .. I didn’t see that coming!

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There are things in life that are unexpectedly enjoyable.    I was introduced to a site for ex Army women on Facebook and since I have joined I have met friends of old and some lovely new people online who make me guffaw with laughter.

The surprise has been our common pride we all have of our backgrounds and our time in the WRAC, we share a common love of those days of square bashing, pot washing, smartly ironed creases and shiny shoes!

The WRAC was a great turning point in my life.   I always knew I was “different”, I had boyfriends, that I didn’t want to sleep with and much preferred to be playing hockey than dating!

Then I joined up.   I very quickly learned why I had always felt I was “marching out of step” with everyone else that I knew.

.. and so started my awakening as a lesbian .. and the rest, so the say, is history.

I have been around the block (and in the words of Melissa Etheridge) three times, maybe four, but sometimes, I am taken aback at my lack of knowledge or my lack of foresight into situations.

This week has been no different, there was something right in front of me that I never noticed, I cannot believe I was so ignorant of facts that have since been pointed out to me <smile> but there you go … sometimes you can’t see the wood for the trees.

Whatever happens next is not just my decision but even if nothing does come of this.. it has given me a smile, put a bit of swagger back into this decrepit old fool and made me realise that perhaps Im not the old has been I thought I was!

It has given me something to think about..  but at least it is a very pleasant thing!

There is a saying that you may forget what people say, but you never forget what they make you feel.

I can only be grateful.   Thank you  <smile>

A little misunderstanding …

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Whoops ..  I have had a couple of comments on facebook from friends who seem to think that I am lonely or have “given up” .. that is not the case…

My last post was sparked by a lovely cheeky wee Spanish friend of mine commenting on how she perceived another friend to be.  It made me think of how we, as people, do have many “faces” that we allow others to see but what we show to people is sometimes very different to the “real” people we are.  This boils down to two things 1) Trust 2) Confidence.

For me Trust is a huge issue.  With trust comes respect, friendship and love (of all forms), which in turn brings Confidence in the emotion that you feel and relationships.

I am perceived as a confident person, and on the whole I am.   I air my views (whether other people agree with me or not!) and certainly do not put up with any nonsense.   I know I can rub people up the wrong way at times, but at least they know where they stand with me.  I am honest, I am open and I accept that I have many faults that will probably never improve with age <grin>

However… we all have something that holds us back (as I have mentioned in earlier posts), for me my problem is that I am quite popular (I don’t mean that in a big headed way) but I am sociable, I talk to people, I make them laugh.  People like me for that.   My problem is that I never know when they like me for more than that.

The truth of the matter is that I was in a long term relationship where my confidence in a lot of areas was slowly eroded down.  I did hang around longer than I would normally have done in a relationship that was very dysfunctional because I did love my ex partner.  The type of comfortable, trusting love that comes with time, the everyday love that you can live your life being happy with.   The problem is that I made a huge error of judgement.  I was wrong to believe that it was a “two way” relationship that would last and in the end the frustration of disrespect, lack of affection and general lack of care made me realise this.. I walked away to save what little pride I had left.  Events that have happened since then have proved I was right to walk away and I feel foolish for my error of believing that I was wanted, when in my heart of hearts I knew I wasn’t.

I have had a three “encounters” since then and I know I handled all three badly, for different reasons.  I again made errors of judgement that have left me questioning myself.   In the end I also ended up allowing myself to be hurt again.

I took a decision to take “time out” .. to spend time with myself and my friends, to protect myself and others.  Hurt is painful to cope with, I certainly do not want any more of it and neither do I want to hurt anyone else.  I also do not want to ruin what could be lovely friendships by mistaking them for something more.

I do not want to have a fling, Ive had more flings in my younger years that I can remember.  The short lived buzz of excitement does not match up to a feeling of completeness and peace when you are with someone you love and I am past the stage when I need to add any more notches to my bedpost!

I have chosen to be in “no man’s land”, and at times it does feel a bit of an emotional desert BUT at the moment it is something I need to do, I need this space, I am enjoying time on my own because I know that ultimately if and when I meet someone, who I really WANT to be with and who really WANTS to be with me, I will be a better, more complete person, who can give as much as I know I can give again and love as purely as I know I can.

At the moment I have a “wee crush” that will probably come to nothing, but it is a step forward for me and I know I will do nothing about it, I will just let it keep me warm until something “real” comes along.

So do not worry about me, do not think I am lonely, do not think I need to meet someone.   I am a great believer in fate, if something is meant it will happen.  If it doesn’t happen.. then so be it.

I have everything I need in life, I am content.  Anything else would just be a bonus.




Unanswered questions …

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The truth is, for different reasons, most of us have barriers.

We fear getting hurt, of showing too much, of rejection.

We fear the pain of our emotions that can leave us in dark, bleak places. Or worse, the dead feeling of an emotional desert, where even the pain of hurt or anger is preferable to feeling nothing.

Our emotional safety is precious to us and people cope with the protection of their emotions in different ways, some appear shy and reticent, some are loud and brash, but no-one is how they seem.

We allow people to see what we are comfortable with, sometimes we do this unconsciously, our “sixth sense” protecting us, keeping people at arms length, not because they have the power to hurt us, but because they will never understand us.

Sometimes, and not always when you expect it, someone slips behind your barrier, touches your emotions, makes you smile.

Do we risk the hurt, do we risk rejection?

Or do we continue to live in this world of dark or nothingness, but where we feel safe and in control?

Unanswered questions.


The big brave WRAC…

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 It was just a quiet normal morning in Lisburn.   Three of us, KB, Julie and myself were just chilling out in our bedspaces, no drama, just quiet.

Suddenly from the bedspace opposite me there came a wee voice …

“did you hear that” said Julie

“hear what” said me

“the noise from my cornflake box” she whispered

I sat and listened, but heard nothing … “No, your’e hearing things” I replied and promptly went back to reading my book.

Suddenly I heard it … “scrape ,scrape, crunch, scrape”

I sat up … and took a wee bit notice of Julie then … “see .. I told you” she said …

I got up and slowly picked up the cornflake box and listened.

Nothing .. not a sound

I was just about to put it down when I felt a movement in the box.

“Open your window” I said to Julie … and she did … so I chucked the box out the window (we were on the ground floor) .. and we waited .. and waited .. and waited.

Nothing .. not a peep, not a movement.

Deciding I must have imagined it .. I climbed out of the window to rescue Julie’s cornflakes ..

Just as I bent down to pick them up .. this wee mouse came running out .. right at me .. with an evil glint in it’s eye.

I legged it .. screaming like a girly … arms waving around windmill style as I ran a hundred yards or so with the vicious mouse running after me.

It must have disappeared down a hole because when I stopped screaming and running it was no longer behind me… but the howls of laughter from our bedroom window done nothing for my street cred …




The pillage of Croydon

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I have witnessed tonight the complete destruction of Croydon, a place I love (for all it’s faults) for the happy times I had when I lived there.

I have sat glued to the news watching in disbelief as rioters and looters pillaged shops and businesses at will.

I know the same problems are effecting other areas of London and even Birmingham and my  heart bleeds for the local residents who are suffering and no doubt living in fear.

I am stunned and saddened by it all ..  how many of these people really believe in anything apart from personal gain, what they can grab and steal from a shop or an office and their excuse…. “poverty”


We have the most generous welfare system in the world, too generous.   I know from now having my own business (that I have worked hard to achieve) that you can start from nothing.  I did.  I started from a desk and telephone from a back bedroom.


Because I didnt want to sit on my arse and have handouts.

You think you have nothing .. let me tell you what nothing is .. nothing is when you work hard all your life to have a business and a home that you are proud of and you lose it .. everything.. you walk away with the clothes on your back and some bits and pieces of furniture.  That is nothing, that is failure.    I’ve been there.   I lost everything, and I had two choices, 1) sit back and feel sorry for myself and blame everything on someone else or 2) get off my arse and do something about it, so I did.

No-one can blame their failure anything but themselves.   Don’t blame the government, don’t blame the education system, don’t blame it on your colour, your sexuality or your parents.  Stand up and take responsibility.

Most of the idiots can’t even be bothered voting.  Yet they are quick to blame the government but they forget about the easy credit we all demanded, the cheap food we buy from the superstores .. the fault lies at our own feet.

I have no sympathy left for sob stories, I have no patience with them.   Stop diverting the blame, stand up, get out there and become someone, not a member of a mob, not a member of a gang, you have your future in your own hands, accept it and deal with it.

You take enough from society, put something back.

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