I am learning to do this, although admittedly because of my dodgy hips and back, rather through choice… slowly but surely my peace is returning and clarity returning!
Memories and leaky eyes
May 25, 2023
regular death, lesbian, life, love,, regret, time Leave a comment
A memory came up on my time line on Facebook today… it was a happy occasion, the wedding of my very good friends Zoe and Leanne.
I took their ceremony and by the time the evening guests arrived (including Ros)… I was very drunk! Which is very unusual for me, I rarely drink!
Poor Ros was on driving duty that night… (the ONLY time)… and as you can see, she wasn’t to happy about it! Even less so the next day when I didn’t want to get out of bed!
It’s such a shame that cancer stole her life in November 2022 at only 52 years old. She was the bravest and most caring woman I ever knew… even if she could put me in my place!
My Ros. My wife. I miss her.
Our Journey
July 6, 2014
regular depression, journey, time Leave a comment
“You never know what’s around the corner. It could be everything. Or it could be nothing. You keep putting one foot in front of the other, and then one day you look back and you’ve climbed a mountain.”
―Tom Hiddleston
The journey we travel is rarely easy … we stumble, we fall, we get lost. Sometimes we get hurt. But we have 2 choices .. stay where we are .. existing in our comfort zone, or we just keep going .. at our own pace, in our own time.
Over the past 3 years I have been on a journey .. at times it has been hard to see the way ahead and I have fallen and lost my way a few times.
Sometimes the tunnel has been so dark and so long that I never thought I would get to the end of it … but I have…
I am not sure yet where my destination (or destiny!) is taking me … but I do know that I am now on the right path. I have peace again, I am settled and I’m happy.
I have been assisted by many friends on my way .. old and new .. and to them I am eternally grateful … I will never be able to repay the kindness and understanding that has been shown to me during my many stumbles.
It is funny thing when you look back and see things clearly. At the time, in the moment, you cannot see or understand that you are losing your way … for me it wasn’t a sudden process but a long slow slide caused by stress.
One of my faults is that I am very proud … I do not always like to admit that I need help or I am failing .. I am working on this .. but I am finding it easier to say when I cannot achieve or do what I want to do … funny enough the more I manage to do this, the more freedom I feel inside of me. I was a prisoner of my own mind, my own standards … my own faults.
I have found myself as a Celebrant .. something that I never planned, but just sort of fell into .. it is a job that I love .. and, without being big headed, I am good at. Two years ago I never even knew what a Celebrant was … and never in the life of me thought I would be officiating at funerals and weddings! … but here I am.
My journey is not yet over … it never will be .. until the day my ashes are spread at the Lochan in Glencoe I will continue to move forward … meeting new people, having new experiences and no doubt leaving behind some things that were important to me once .. that is life … this is me.
If I could turn back time ……
January 13, 2014
regular future, regret, time Leave a comment
I was chatting with my friend Stuart over a wee drink last night. Stuart and I have been friends since we were 3 or 4 years old, nearly half a century! … as toddlers, children and teenagers we kept a close friendship .. so much so that our parents thought we would get married! … it was never anything more than a friendship, we just had a bond from a very early age .. and that bond was that we were both gay.
Stuart left Scotland in his teens to live and work in Italy (he went over on a summer break from university and never came back!)… I went off to join the army but we kept in contact and always met up if we happened to be in Scotland at the same time on holiday.
We have both had some great times in life, some tragic times, Stuart more so than me when his partner of many years died suddenly and it was a tough time in more ways than one for him at that time.
We were chatting last night about our lives, how things have changed recently, especially for me, and how we have found ourselves in settled and contented place in our individual lives.
We also talked about people we knew, and regrets that we had .. and funny enough both of us did not really have any regrets. For Stuart, obviously he missed his ex partner, but he had moved on, accepting and, although keeping memories in his heart, had moved on from the pain.
For me, my biggest regret is not having the courage to walk away from the life I was living years ago, and start to build a life that I want, and indeed, in many ways, need, for me to be happy.
I think back over the years and would I go back and change anything else … well.. No. The experiences I have gone through, good and bad, have all been part of the journey that I am on … and I do not want or need to look back over my shoulder.
I am moving forward, at my own pace, on my own path … and I am looking forward to discovering what lies ahead and perhaps seeing things through new eyes and a little bit more knowledge!
The right time …
June 21, 2013
regular decisions, guilt, lesbian, time Leave a comment
You never quite know what you are going to feel
or how you are going to react.
You never quite know what is right and what is wrong
but you know when it is time.
You feel the guilt, the responsibility, the fear
it all seems so big, unconquerable.
You just need to take one step, just one..
and your time will be right.
The power of time
May 3, 2013
regular lesbian, loss, time Leave a comment
We have all hurt.
We have all had times in our lives when our hearts are breaking, our minds in turmoil and our peace lost.
We just have to accept that this is part of life, sit back and accept that we will heal when time has softened our hurt.
Sometimes we try to rush, to paper over cracks, to desperately find something, even temporary, that will make us feel better, and to forget our pain.
There is no timetable, no set date … we are all different.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 