A fantastic weekend!

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I have just had the most fantastic weekend.. doing something that initially thought would be “a bit different” .. I had no idea how much I was going to enjoy it!10401989_10152612309619182_1196272076294620401_n (1)

It was a weekend of learning to drum on Djembe drums … an African type of drum that you hold between your legs.

Not only did we learn different rhythms but we were also taught a couple of African songs … and with 20 people in a yurt (because of the torrential rain) the sound was just fantastic.

I really never expected to enjoy it so much .. infact I was only planning to go yesterday but went back today .. and it was a 40 mile drive to get there!

The ladies who were training us .. Sharon and Nikki actually live in Somerset .. but travel around during the summer doing various festivals and parties… this is a link to their website   ORGANIC RHYTHM … check it out … it really will open your eyes!

 

 

 

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Why it is good to fail …

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I am a bit of a born fighter.   I fight for what I believe in.   acceptanceI fight for reasons that are important to me.

I have been guilty in the past of fighting too hard … and too long for things that I should have let go off long before.

I fought to keep my businesses alive .. to the detriment of my health and my peace .. I have fought to keep relationships and friendships until I realised that when you are fighting to keep things going beyond the normal realms of “making an effort” then you have to just walk away.

At times the perceived failure of my actions has caused me pain … but pain that is recoverable from .. in truth I never failed .. I tried, I fought.. I just didn’t succeed.

All of my past has brought me to where I am now.    I have a life that makes me happy.   I have lost the stress that I put on myself because of what others expected of me.   Now I just live my life in the way I want to.    I take care of me.

I share my emotional attachments with a few close friends, I have no-one relying on me to make them happy .. and play on my guilt.

This gift that I found for myself has given me freedom.  OK I do not have a lot of money but I survive .. and I sit here sometimes looking around me .. thinking about my life and think .. I am happy .. I am truly at peace.

For all my faults, and believe me, I have a few! .. I know I am honest, loyal and kind (sometimes too much!) … These are my strengths … and also my weaknesses … but that is who I am and that is who I will remain.

I have been trying to salvage a friendship recently .. until I realised I was the only one trying to do this … so .. I am letting it go .. sometimes “truth” as we see it is not the same between two people. I like to think I have always been constant with mine… but the same cannot be said in return.

It is time to let the final “irk” in my life go .. I have no reason to feel guilty .. I was reminded of this the other week when a friend of many years said to me  “it is great that you had so many friends standing beside you through your darkest time” … and that is true.   Until I realised who wasn’t there.

Actions do speak louder than words.   I have always believed that .. now it is the time to learn it.

I tried.. I did not succeed.   I can hold my head up.

The disadvantages of being single

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single

I enjoy being single … I do not cope well with being responsible for someone else’s happiness and peace …. I have a great bunch of friends that I trust completely and that is all I need.

However.. being single does have it’s disadvantages …  I am not a good cook .. well, I suppose that is a lie .. I’m not exactly chef standard but I can rustle things up if I need to .. I am just very bad at doing it for myself.  I  get lazy because I do not like cooking.

Sometimes I do miss having someone around just to smile at and see them smile back .. but I am someone who needs peace and quiet and time on my own and not many people understand that.

Intimacy …. well … it depend’s on what you mean by intimate …. sex to me can be just sex .. I need a mental connection to really feel intimate with someone.  I need to trust them and they need to trust me .. or I find a big hard ring goes round my heart and I just cannot feel close or intimate .. if I don’t have that it is never going to work for me.

However I do need my independence … I do not want someone who needs me … I do not want to be needed in anyone’s life .. I want to be wanted .. and I want to want .. when I love, I love deeply but I always seem to end up disappointed .. maybe I believe all the “Im not like that’s” too easily and, in truth, I am fed up with the bullshit during and after a relationship.  Truth seems to disappear out the window and ego and drama takes over .. I can’t be bothered with that.

I see posts on Facebook from women who are desperate for a relationship … it is true love and “the one” every time …  well .. till the next time anyway.  I am really not like that … I do not fall in love quickly … I do not fall in love easily … by the time the initial passion has burnt itself out I am usually left thinking “yup .. this might work” or “nope .. this isn’t for me” …  when I begin to get frustrated for any reason  in a relationship I have to get out, simple as.

So I guess… all in all … I am better staying single .. the odd little bit of fun here and there raises a smile .. no harm is done… no disappointment ..just a happy wee memory and a bit of a smug grin …   I guess I will just have to concentrate on my relationship with Aldo … our local chip shop owner!!   *smile*

 

May you find some comfort here ….

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“and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees”

Reflection

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The word Reflection has it’s origins in Latin meaning “bent back”.  These days the word is used in it’s simplest forms .. from the image in a mirror to thinking back.reflection

It is a word used in many ways .. but it has a powerful and meaningful purpose for this .   blog.

We are all guilty of looking in the mirror and seeing who we perceive in our own mind.   This depends on our state of mind and our attitude.

Sometimes we see a monster, sometimes we see an angel.  In reality none of these are true.

How we perceive ourselves is not always the same as other’s see us.   BUT more importantly sometimes we are so caught up on the image we give out that we lose the truth within ourselves.

We do have to take time to sit down and look inside … honestly .. if we let guilt or anger cloud how we do this then we will never find peace.   The tiny drips of torture will run through our minds for a long time .. simply because we are not mature enough or wise enough to be honest with ourselves.

We can all find our peace inside ourselves if we are brave enough to look hard enough .. forget all about how others may see us, forget about the pressure we put on ourselves and most importantly forget about the hurt and anger we may feel on how we “think” we have been treated.

Truth and honesty go hand and hand with the journey of finding peace inside .. without either we will never truly be happy.  Always searching for the trigger that will put us in touch with our soul.

So, just for a moment, a mere second out of your busy day … think of what is hurting you or making you angry .. if you can put it right, then do it.   Do not let pride, self image or anger get in the way.   Just be true to you.

 

 

 

Perfectly Imperfect!

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Today has been a day that has been perfect because of imperfections.candles2

Today I took a service for a man who many would judge as imperfect because of the life he chose to live.  In reality the life he chose was perfect for him and after the service I received the most beautiful message from his niece telling me that I had somehow managed to find the words to finally make his father understand his life.    I cried.

I then had a knock on the door and my neighbours were standing there … Two days ago I had been chatting to one of them about the problem I had with overgrown trees in the garden.. my back making it impossible for me to deal with them.   There they were, safety goggles on, chainsaw in hand and they chopped the wayward trees back for me … to say I am grateful is an understatement .. and again … I cried.

I then had a visit from 2 of my closest friends … It is one of their birthdays next week and because of my financial situation I decided to make her a large candle.

She has just sent me this text message …  “I opened the bathroom door after a nice candle lit bath and the smoke alarm went off. the bathrooms covered in soot”

Yup .. I laughed so much .. I cried.

 

 

Side by side ….

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Friendship is a delicate thing … it can be made in an instanside by sidet ..,,and lost just as quick.

Sometimes we do not realise how our actions, or lack of, can hurt people.

Sometimes we misjudge situations, sometimes we act badly … not deliberately .. but because we make mistakes .. we are human.   We fuck up.

The larger the group of people, the more this becomes apparent … sniping behind someone’s back .. ganging up together for a “common cause” … all sorts … this is natural .. it happens in the wild with animals and it sure as hell happens with us as humans.

What we forget all too easily is that it is not the number of friends we have .. but the quality … people can hurt us from the outskirts of our circle and that doesn’t really matter … but those that are close to us can hurt us .. and hurt us badly.

We all have pride .. we all have ego … we all do not want to admit we are wrong.   We are willing to cut off our noses .. or good friendships … because we do not know how .. or cannot .. say sorry.

Not everyone will like us .. and we will not like everyone … again .. this is natural … but common respect and decency costs nothing.

I have friends who some people do not like … and sometimes sitting on the fence between them is uncomfortable … I hear both sides of a story … and sometimes they are so far apart it is sometimes difficult to comprehend.

What we should never forget is that we are all hurt by different things .. for me lack of loyalty amongst my close friends or being lied to are two major “hurts” .. that really does cut to the core.

BUT … no matter what … if a friendship, or relationship has meant something to me then, although I sometimes cover my hurt with anger … eventually that passes … and I am left regretting things I said or thought … sometimes we can salvage our friendships .. but .. like a dropped mirror .. they may always remain damaged.

We have to stop.   Think.   Put aside our pride, our ego.. what we have presumed .. what we have heard and face up to the fact that none of us are innocent … and I mean none.

It takes both sides to want to repair things .. to want to be big enough to let things go and think “our friendship is worth fighting for”.

We are lionesses … we fight amongst ourselves .. but we hunt in a pack.

I really hope we can all remember that and just have a wee think …  with kindness .. not anger.

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