Brae. A gay woman's tale!

I have just had the most fantastic weekend.. doing something that initially thought would be “a bit different” .. I had no idea how much I was going to enjoy it!

It was a weekend of learning to drum on Djembe drums … an African type of drum that you hold between your legs.

Not only did we learn different rhythms but we were also taught a couple of African songs … and with 20 people in a yurt (because of the torrential rain) the sound was just fantastic.

I really never expected to enjoy it so much .. infact I was only planning to go yesterday but went back today .. and it was a 40 mile drive to get there!

The ladies who were training us .. Sharon and Nikki actually live in Somerset .. but travel around during the summer doing various festivals and parties… this is a link to their website   ORGANIC RHYTHM … check it out … it really will open your eyes!

I am a bit of a born fighter.   I fight for what I believe in.   I fight for reasons that are important to me.

I have been guilty in the past of fighting too hard … and too long for things that I should have let go off long before.

I fought to keep my businesses alive .. to the detriment of my health and my peace .. I have fought to keep relationships and friendships until I realised that when you are fighting to keep things going beyond the normal realms of “making an effort” then you have to just walk away.

At times the perceived failure of my actions has caused me pain … but pain that is recoverable from .. in truth I never failed .. I tried, I fought.. I just didn’t succeed.

All of my past has brought me to where I am now.    I have a life that makes me happy.   I have lost the stress that I put on myself because of what others expected of me.   Now I just live my life in the way I want to.    I take care of me.

I share my emotional attachments with a few close friends, I have no-one relying on me to make them happy .. and play on my guilt.

This gift that I found for myself has given me freedom.  OK I do not have a lot of money but I survive .. and I sit here sometimes looking around me .. thinking about my life and think .. I am happy .. I am truly at peace.

For all my faults, and believe me, I have a few! .. I know I am honest, loyal and kind (sometimes too much!) … These are my strengths … and also my weaknesses … but that is who I am and that is who I will remain.

I have been trying to salvage a friendship recently .. until I realised I was the only one trying to do this … so .. I am letting it go .. sometimes “truth” as we see it is not the same between two people. I like to think I have always been constant with mine… but the same cannot be said in return.

It is time to let the final “irk” in my life go .. I have no reason to feel guilty .. I was reminded of this the other week when a friend of many years said to me  “it is great that you had so many friends standing beside you through your darkest time” … and that is true.   Until I realised who wasn’t there.

Actions do speak louder than words.   I have always believed that .. now it is the time to learn it.

I tried.. I did not succeed.   I can hold my head up.

“and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees”

The word Reflection has it’s origins in Latin meaning “bent back”.  These days the word is used in it’s simplest forms .. from the image in a mirror to thinking back.

It is a word used in many ways .. but it has a powerful and meaningful purpose for this .   blog.

We are all guilty of looking in the mirror and seeing who we perceive in our own mind.   This depends on our state of mind and our attitude.

Sometimes we see a monster, sometimes we see an angel.  In reality none of these are true.

How we perceive ourselves is not always the same as other’s see us.   BUT more importantly sometimes we are so caught up on the image we give out that we lose the truth within ourselves.

We do have to take time to sit down and look inside … honestly .. if we let guilt or anger cloud how we do this then we will never find peace.   The tiny drips of torture will run through our minds for a long time .. simply because we are not mature enough or wise enough to be honest with ourselves.

We can all find our peace inside ourselves if we are brave enough to look hard enough .. forget all about how others may see us, forget about the pressure we put on ourselves and most importantly forget about the hurt and anger we may feel on how we “think” we have been treated.

Truth and honesty go hand and hand with the journey of finding peace inside .. without either we will never truly be happy.  Always searching for the trigger that will put us in touch with our soul.

So, just for a moment, a mere second out of your busy day … think of what is hurting you or making you angry .. if you can put it right, then do it.   Do not let pride, self image or anger get in the way.   Just be true to you.

Today has been a day that has been perfect because of imperfections.

Today I took a service for a man who many would judge as imperfect because of the life he chose to live.  In reality the life he chose was perfect for him and after the service I received the most beautiful message from his niece telling me that I had somehow managed to find the words to finally make his father understand his life.    I cried.

I then had a knock on the door and my neighbours were standing there … Two days ago I had been chatting to one of them about the problem I had with overgrown trees in the garden.. my back making it impossible for me to deal with them.   There they were, safety goggles on, chainsaw in hand and they chopped the wayward trees back for me … to say I am grateful is an understatement .. and again … I cried.

I then had a visit from 2 of my closest friends … It is one of their birthdays next week and because of my financial situation I decided to make her a large candle.

She has just sent me this text message …  “I opened the bathroom door after a nice candle lit bath and the smoke alarm went off. the bathrooms covered in soot”

Yup .. I laughed so much .. I cried.

Friendship is a delicate thing … it can be made in an instant ..,,and lost just as quick.

Sometimes we do not realise how our actions, or lack of, can hurt people.

Sometimes we misjudge situations, sometimes we act badly … not deliberately .. but because we make mistakes .. we are human.   We fuck up.

The larger the group of people, the more this becomes apparent … sniping behind someone’s back .. ganging up together for a “common cause” … all sorts … this is natural .. it happens in the wild with animals and it sure as hell happens with us as humans.

What we forget all too easily is that it is not the number of friends we have .. but the quality … people can hurt us from the outskirts of our circle and that doesn’t really matter … but those that are close to us can hurt us .. and hurt us badly.

We all have pride .. we all have ego … we all do not want to admit we are wrong.   We are willing to cut off our noses .. or good friendships … because we do not know how .. or cannot .. say sorry.

Not everyone will like us .. and we will not like everyone … again .. this is natural … but common respect and decency costs nothing.

I have friends who some people do not like … and sometimes sitting on the fence between them is uncomfortable … I hear both sides of a story … and sometimes they are so far apart it is sometimes difficult to comprehend.

What we should never forget is that we are all hurt by different things .. for me lack of loyalty amongst my close friends or being lied to are two major “hurts” .. that really does cut to the core.

BUT … no matter what … if a friendship, or relationship has meant something to me then, although I sometimes cover my hurt with anger … eventually that passes … and I am left regretting things I said or thought … sometimes we can salvage our friendships .. but .. like a dropped mirror .. they may always remain damaged.

We have to stop.   Think.   Put aside our pride, our ego.. what we have presumed .. what we have heard and face up to the fact that none of us are innocent … and I mean none.

It takes both sides to want to repair things .. to want to be big enough to let things go and think “our friendship is worth fighting for”.

We are lionesses … we fight amongst ourselves .. but we hunt in a pack.

I really hope we can all remember that and just have a wee think …  with kindness .. not anger.

I am not a perfect woman … never have been .. never will be … and I make no apology for that .. I am who I am .. and I am very happy with the woman that I have grown to be.

I am not everyone’s cup of tea … so be it .. not everyone is mine .. 

I know my character .. like a chain .. I am strong . but I have weak links .. just like everyone else.

My strongest AND weakest link is that I care .. I genuinely care for people who mean something to me .. some of these probably do not deserve my care .. but they still have it.

I know I always do the right thing … whether it be walking away from a relationship that didn’t make me happy .. whether it be telling someone the truth that they didn’t want to hear … I do it.. and at times this has not worked out well.   I have been lied about .. accused of all sorts of kind of crap that did hurt and upset me … still does, if I am totally honest .. but in the end I will always do what feels right for me .. MY right thing to do … I forgive (perhaps too easily) and I don’t hold grudges .. if I someone does something that, in my book, is completely unforgivable then they are simply no longer part of my life…. and can get on with their life doing what they do because in the end their own actions will bite them on the bum without any help from me.

I have no comprehension of how people can live a lie .. what is so wrong with the truth that they have to turn it around .. make it something it isn’t … or is it because they are just not strong enough to accept reality … who know’s … I’m not that wise.

I trust people easily … because that is who I am .. and probably always will be … something I have inherited from my mum … the older I get the more I get like her .. and you know what … I like that … she is the most open hearted, kind person I know … if I can be half the woman she is .. I will die proudly.

I will continue to be the big stupid soft hearted clown, who sometimes gets on people’s nerves… their reality and truth are not mine …   I do not have to be always right … because sometimes I am not … I accept that…   but believe me .. I will never hide who I am or what I feel behind a lie… 

I accept people into my life in good faith … they leave it because of their actions and words.. not by mine.

As a species Humans are the cruelest of all.

We use words and actions deliberately to hurt others either emotionally or physically.

Sometimes we are cruel to strike out at others because of the hurt they have caused us.   This is horrible .. but understandable … and to some extent forgivable ..

Then there is deliberate cruelty, from a dark place that, for most of us, is unfathomable.

Today a friend told me something that had recently happened in her life… and I cannot find the words to express how sorry I am for her .. or how angry I was at what she told me.

An innocent soul taken by a twisted and sick mind .. by a person who does not have the decency to even try to control their anger ..

I am truly crying as I type this … out of sadness at what has happened .. and out of anger that someone could deliberately be this cruel.

I do not often understand the world … there are so many lies .. so many acts of cruelty… so much bitterness .. humans against humans … humans against animals …

Tonight I will be holding my friend close in my thoughts .. admiring her for the courage and sense of responsibility and decency she is currently upholding … She is a better woman than I.