Our sacrifice

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We have all been in situations where we have given up on what we want .. or what we know is right .. for a variety of reasons .. guilt, responsibility or we feel we owe a debt of gratitude.

What we actually do is sacrifice our own dreams and hopes in order to stop hurting someone else, we take the hurt ourselves rather than cause hurt or disappointment

.. but then .. we stop… we think… we look at what we have .. and what we are giving up and we realise that we cannot hold onto something that is already slipping away … what we are doing is delaying the inevitable .. waiting on the “right time” or a “good excuse” … in truth we are simply trying to protect someone elses feelings at the cost of our own.

The unknown is scary .. but we have to accept that we are not responsible for keeping someone else happy, especially at the cost of our own happiness.

It isn’t easy … we invest a lot into our relationships … we do not like to think our investment has been wasted… but sometimes the truth is .. it has … 

We do have to answer tough questions within ourselves … we do have to accept that if we make a decision it will hurt someone .. but if we don’t we will simply hurt ourselves.

 

 

 

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There have been days ….

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Image.. when my life felt as if were one big battle.

When the peace in my head and my heart that I desperately need, just like oxygen, seemed smothered and dead.

I remember those days and I remember thinking how much better it would be if I just did not exist.

I did not want to die .. I just didn’t want to exist.

Everything took far too much effort.   There was nothing in my life to look forward to.    I found no peace .. the stress of my life overwhelmed me .. and it was all my fault .. I let it.    Finding a sad kind of comfort in the darkness that surrounded me.   I lost all positive feelings … I just wanted to scream and shout and break free from cloud that surrounded me … 

The harder I fought, the more it got hold of me … twisting me, turning me, trapping me.

I felt I was shouting into the wind and no-one could hear.

It was a very bad time for me … but looking back I am grateful for depression that I went through … it made me stop and think and look at my life and realise that something had to change … not just outside circumstances but I mean within me … 

I had two choices .. stay as I was and give myself stress and anxiety or change .. and give myself the peace and freedom that I know I need.

I have had to gently look inside me and accept the good and the bad about my personality …  and I have learned a few lessons from doing that.    Some truths are not easy to accept .. but I have had to accept them and analyse them and think “why” a lot of the time …

In the end my life has changed completely.   I no longer have the pressure I had .. although one of my (many!) failings is that I do still put pressure on myself .. and I do still suffer from guilt .. but I accept them and recognise when I doing something out of guilt or stress and just accept that I am always going to be like that.

What my new “day” has brought me is a deep peace in myself, I am very contented… I have no money but in strange way I am richer than I have ever been because I have everything I need …

.. and there is a huge difference between what you need and what you want.

I need nothing else in my life … and although I think I do want someone special in my life I am lucky to have the most wonderful friends who I love completely.     

I have promised myself that I will not get involved with anyone else if my gut tells me not to…. nothing should be forced, or expected .. I just want something natural and right … comforting and loving.    Not a temporary crush or someone who says the right things when it suits but doesn’t mean them … I am tired of playing games. 

I want someone who makes my soul smile…. so bring on the tomorrows … I am ready!

 

Our idea of beautiful

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There are lots of people with a pretty face … and a gorgeous figure … but that does not make them beautiful.

We all have our own idea of beauty … and beautiful people.

I find beauty in peace .. in art, in words and in music … and in people, but not because of their looks but because of their soul.

Sometimes we meet people in life and we connect .. in a way that you cannot explain but you just know.

These are my beautiful people and always remain so.

A quote I’ve used before .. but sums it up wonderfully is from The Velveteen Rabbit.

“Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’

‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit. 

‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’ 

‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’ 

‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” 

 

An honour and privilege

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I have a very close friend who is about to lose her father after a long illness.   The family have been told that they are looking at days instead of weeks now.

My friend and I have known each other for 40 years … and I know her family well … 

I am extremely touched that she and her brother have asked me to take the leave taking of her dad, who is a lovely, kind man.

I know how devastated all the family will be .. he really is a man who loved his family first and foremost.

I am very sad that his life is coming to an end .. and I will try my very best to honour him in a kind and dignified way .. just like the man he is.

I have a heavy heart tonight.

 

Grrrrrrrrr ……

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I woke this morning in a very good mood … I slept well, I felt happy, chilled, smiley … all the nice things … I was so cocky I even posted on facebook that I was feeling smiley and refused to stop smiling all day.

Sometimes you can be too cocky .. today I was.

Within the space of 5 minutes Jilly came in and looks as if she has a swollen face .. I have had a quick (very quick because she was trying to murder me!) feel of her face and can’t make my mind up if it is swollen or if it just her hair .. now she won’t let me near her.

Then my brother came up to read my electric meter for me (it’s too high for me to read even if I stand on my steps) … I put the numbers in online and my electricity bill comes to £397! … I have a little money put aside but was planning to buy new tyres for the car (they are close to the legal limit)… looks like they will have to wait …  and I really hope Jilly’s face is just her hair ….

I also still have this carry on with HMRC hanging over me …. that is annoying … but hopefully sorted out soon ….

I knew that my social life was going to have to go on hold when I set up the business ..and I am happy to sacrifice that and I certainly cannot afford to date anyone.. but … I am doing something I really love and I know I am getting busier .. but today I am looking at my bills and thinking “Grrrrrrrrrr” …..

 

It’s Valentines day

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Valentines day.  When smitten lovers or hopeful lovers spend a fortune on romance.   

Ok … maybe I’m a wee bit cynical .. but I have been pondering over the thought of romance and love and how different we all “believe” love to be.

This is my own, very personal view of how I see love.   You may not all agree with me … that is your right, but this is what makes me feel loved and how I show it.    

I truly believe that to be successful in love that you have to meet someone who can walk the journey of life, and it’s trials and tribulations, alongside you.   You have to have the same morals in life, the same expectations, the same desires.   Without any of these you will never make a relationship work, no matter how much you love someone.

You need someone who appreciates you for the little things, who is grateful for all the things you do from the heart and who truly wants to be with you.   To plan things with you, to spend time alone with you doing nothing, 

I enjoy being single … I cannot stand drama or uncertainty in my life but there are times when I wake up during the night and I miss not having someone to snuggle into or to hold her hand.

I am not very romantic at heart, … my way of showing I care is in a practical and probably very boring way to some, but to someone else it will be perfect.  

I don’t expect everything to be rosy, there will be arguments, there has to be to make a relationship work for both, but I do believe in compromise…. as long as it runs both ways!

I also appreciate being able to talk to someone.. but they must be able to listen, to understand, to read between the lines… and you can only do this if you are really interested in someone.

What I do want to do is make someone smile, from their lips to their heart … someone I want to hold, in silence at times and laughing our heads off at other times.

I want someone who when they say “I love you” means it … forever, not just for the time and the circumstance but really means it.

Someone who will be as excited as me to plan wee trips and holidays together.

I think what I am trying to say is that I want someone who really makes me believe that our relationship truly is about “us” .. and not me always pampering to them…. that just makes me feel used and that there is an ulterior motive.

Maybe I expect too much … but I do know that I need someone mature enough to compromise and who really understands and  values a partnership.

Until she comes along … I will stay single .. my life is too good to spoil it with meaningless relationships where I end up feeling used or taken advantage of … I know I have a kind heart … someone out there will grab it and appreciate it … until then .. I will cuddle my dog!!

 

If I could…

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If I could ….

I would give you the moon …

and all the planets above ..

If I were only brave enough …

To say that it is you that I love.

Happy Valentines day x

 

 

 

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