Calm shores
May 22, 2023
regular emotion, fear, friends, friendship, lesbian, life, love,, relationships, stress Leave a comment
I feel deeply and I think deeply. This is both a curse and a blessing.
I sometimes step back from delving deep into my thoughts and feelings, just leaving them lying dormant behind a wall of keeping myself busy so my thoughts and focus are on anyone or anything apart from me.
This is my self preservation. My comfort blanket that stops the hurt and sometimes negative thoughts and doubt from over whelming me.
I know I close down, I know I exist instead of live. I know all this, but still I do it, it’s my way.
Then something simple happens, a conversation with a kindred spirit, who understands what it is like to face deep thoughts… and suddenly my own deep thoughts don’t feel so overwhelming… and all of a sudden I can really think again… and it is not as scary or painful as I thought it would be.
The waves of hurt that used to crash down on me have ebbed… calm shores have returned and I’m so relieved.
Life still has much to offer and although I still doubt I have the emotional strength or will to ever want a partner or a relationship again, I realise that there are still great people out there that can touch my life in a special way and right now, that’s huge!
My fear of Glasgow
August 25, 2013
regular coward, fear, Glasgow 4 Comments
I am off to Glasgow later today for a couple of nights. I have to go because I am on a course for my Celebrancy training but I really dislike Glasgow.. well, dislike is not the right word .. more “fear”…
I used to love Glasgow .. I loved the vibrancy of the clubs, the stonework of the tenements, the history and the humour of the people. I suppose I still do but I do have an underlying fear of Glasgow.
I have visited Glasgow a handful of times mostly during the day but I have only been “out” in Glasgow a couple of times over the last 15 years because of one incident that took place when I was out with my pal Jen clubbing one night.
We had stopped off for a couple of drinks (and I mean two) in a pub before hitting the clubs. It was not long after we arrived in the first club that I had my drink spiked.
Thankfully due to Jen’s diligence nothing bad happened, apart from me having my money stolen.
Jen did manage to get me back to the hotel (ironically the same hotel I am staying in tonight and tomorrow!) … and get me into my bed. She sat over me until I suddenly “came round” … clear as a bell with no memory of the club or getting back to the hotel.
Jen said she realised there was something wrong when she said to me in the taxi back “do you want some chips” and I said “No” (the people who know me in real life will realise how much of an impossibility this seems!)
I have never been this “out of control” before and never want to be again. I was lucky that Jen noticed something was wrong (although I do think that what happened to me stopped her from pulling that night!! she probably hasn’t forgiven me for that!!).
I know it’s silly.. I know my brain tells me not to be stupid .. but it is a fear, a genuine fear that I have .. like some people are scared of spiders or mice … for me it’s Glasgow …
Today I will take a deep breath and face my fear (although I will not be visiting any pubs or clubs!) .. I think taking the first step to finding my confidence again with Glasgow is something I need to do and in a way I want to do… I am fed up making excuses for not going out with my friends all because I am a big fat coward!
What do you fear?
July 3, 2013
regular fear, love,, rejection 2 Comments
We all have fears.
Sometimes they are simple, spiders, mice etc …. sometimes they are more complicated… rejection, love, death etc.
One thing is sure whatever our fear is we cannot allow to paralyse us, to stop us from trying and reaching for what we want but often we do, too scared to confront our fears close up.
We are guaranteed very little in life but we will all fail at one time, we will all love and face rejection and we certainly will die but if we live our lives scared of any of these then we will not really live at all.
My life has been full of great successes and great failures, some brilliant happy times and some times when I thought I would never feel anything again. I have achieved lots and lost everything and had to start again and somehow through it all I have found a balance now that I know I need.
I still have fears, mostly to do with losing my peace but I have managed to stop thinking “what if” … now I will act on what happens when it happens and not just worry about it because worry and guilt paralyse me .. that I do know!
Physical fears and challenges are often much easier to overcome than the mental fears we have. We are often our own worst enemy but would rather suffer from them than take the first step towards overcoming them because of the vicious circle we create in our own head.
In reality there is nothing for us to fear, apart from ourselves. We should try to remember that.
Unanswered questions …
August 12, 2011
regular barrier, fear, lesbian, unanswered question Leave a comment
The truth is, for different reasons, most of us have barriers.
We fear getting hurt, of showing too much, of rejection.
We fear the pain of our emotions that can leave us in dark, bleak places. Or worse, the dead feeling of an emotional desert, where even the pain of hurt or anger is preferable to feeling nothing.
Our emotional safety is precious to us and people cope with the protection of their emotions in different ways, some appear shy and reticent, some are loud and brash, but no-one is how they seem.
We allow people to see what we are comfortable with, sometimes we do this unconsciously, our “sixth sense” protecting us, keeping people at arms length, not because they have the power to hurt us, but because they will never understand us.
Sometimes, and not always when you expect it, someone slips behind your barrier, touches your emotions, makes you smile.
Do we risk the hurt, do we risk rejection?
Or do we continue to live in this world of dark or nothingness, but where we feel safe and in control?
Unanswered questions.
Rejection… the mental hurdle
November 1, 2010
regular fear, reject Leave a comment
- re·ject/ˈrēˌjekt/
Noun: A person or thing dismissed as failing to meet standards or satisfy tastes.
Verb: Dismiss as inadequate, inappropriate, or not to one’s taste
All of us, at one time or another, has faced the pain of rejection. Rejection from a lover is a pain that most of us will bear scars from, in one way or another, for a very long time.
For some the attempt to deal with this rejection turns into anger and bitterness, which in turn, leads to rejection for the negativity that is shown, and so the cycle continues…
For others the fear of further rejection can hold back even the seemingly “most confident” of people… a nagging doubt in the back of your mind can turn into a screaming monster that deafens and deadens feelings and emotions.
People deal with this in a variety of ways, from sleeping around, not getting involved or refusing to have anything more than friendship, scared of the possibility of rejection again.
How we deal with this is a very personal thing, we all have our own ways of handling and coping with it .. whether we ever truly get over it is a different matter but time is a great healer, eventually pain easies, memory fades and life can seem just a little bit sunnier.
Roll on the sunshine…
A great responsibility
October 14, 2010
regular fear, heart, love, Leave a comment
I was sent this picture by a friend of mine who wanted me to write a piece on how difficult it is to give your heart to someone and how difficult it is to accept the responsibility of having someone’s heart.
The fear of giving and receiving love haunts many of us who have been hurt deeply in the past. Until you truly love and lose that love you will never understand the great responsibility that some people take so lightly or for granted.
From a personal point, I do not give my heart away easily, but when I do, it is real and does not just switch off. I have had many relationships with women throughout my life .. some very casual, some a little more serious but only four times I have really loved.
I have loved these women in very different ways, but all of them totally. One was with a great passion but a very unfulfilling relationship that made me happy for very short periods of time but drained my emotions for the majority of it. We are no longer friends, which I think says it all. The other three have been based on a deep, comfortable love and all three of these wonderful women are still very loved friends of mine.
In my youth I cared little for people’s hearts, or mine .. I leapt into relationships long and short with great enthusiasm, whether it be for a night, a month or a year. I never knew what I wanted… I just lived for the moment… the future just a fairytale that would take care of itself.
Now I find myself in a strange position of actually knowing what I want .. I want a friend, a lover, a soul mate, someone who really wants me and is proud to be by my side .. but I am very cynical whether I will ever find all of these in one person, perhaps if I could take a little of all the women I loved and mixed them up together then I would find “the one”.
I will be very careful with my heart, I know myself and I know that I won’t give that easily.. but more than that I will be more careful with any hearts that may be given to me and that I am happy to accept.
I will never utter “I love you” unless I mean it and I know that it is truly meant back. Until then I will keep my heart safely under lock and key and try to be brave enough to accept the responsibility of someone’s heart when it is offered.
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 