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I often read posts or message about people searching for happiness.    Sadly, they are on a search that will last forever.

Happiness is not something we find in someone else, or a “thing” .. it comes from within us.   We will never be happy until we truly understand ourselves, our good points, our bad points and what we truly need from life.

For many years I chased the corporate dream of earning money, to be able to buy things that other’s admired and wanted.

Was I happy? .. Nope … did I end up stressing myself and becoming ill over it all? .. yep!

Over the last year or so, I have deliberately taken time out from dating anyone .. one because I didn’t feel I could afford to and did not want to be reliant on anyone but, two more importantly, to find out what it was I need from my life to make me happy.

Peace has always been up there, I have known that for a while.   I like a peaceful mind and a peaceful life and I do enjoy my own company.    But what about having someone in my life… I will be honest, there are times when I would just love to cuddle up and lie in peace and quiet with someone.  It is not based around sex, it is based around feeling emotionally close to someone .. and that is something that I truly have not felt with anyone for many years.

I have had relationships where this vital “thing” for me was missing .. and these relationships have not lasted and quite frankly I should have known they wouldn’t last .. and perhaps subconsciously I did, but sometimes ego gets in the way of common sense.

I have had bad times in my life, I’ve lost a business, my home and my own self respect .. and I’ve fought back (more than once!) to gain pride for myself.   I can lose in spectacular fashion, but there is this wee thing in me that just does not let me give up easily… I am a very determined woman.

I think the realisation that I am not, and never will be, perfect was a good starting point to finding my own happiness.   I cannot change what other people think or feel about me, and it took me a good wee while to realise that.

In the end I simply decided to let go of what doesn’t matter and concentrate on what does matter.   I may not always be right in my choices.. but they are MY choices and I will stand or fall by them.

Tonight, as I sit thinking about what I have, I realise how lucky I am … I have my peace, I have a job that I love, I have my furbabies that I also love.. even if they do drive me mad at times! … and I know that I have wonderful friends ..  I have a happy life .. and I know that is a privilege and not a right.

I am no longer looking for happiness .. I already have it … perhaps now is the time for me to take a deep breath and share it …