I feel deeply and I think deeply. This is both a curse and a blessing.
I sometimes step back from delving deep into my thoughts and feelings, just leaving them lying dormant behind a wall of keeping myself busy so my thoughts and focus are on anyone or anything apart from me.
This is my self preservation. My comfort blanket that stops the hurt and sometimes negative thoughts and doubt from over whelming me.
I know I close down, I know I exist instead of live. I know all this, but still I do it, it’s my way.
Then something simple happens, a conversation with a kindred spirit, who understands what it is like to face deep thoughts… and suddenly my own deep thoughts don’t feel so overwhelming… and all of a sudden I can really think again… and it is not as scary or painful as I thought it would be.
The waves of hurt that used to crash down on me have ebbed… calm shores have returned and I’m so relieved.
Life still has much to offer and although I still doubt I have the emotional strength or will to ever want a partner or a relationship again, I realise that there are still great people out there that can touch my life in a special way and right now, that’s huge!
A rubber ball starts with one band of rubber and grows as we add to it.
At first as we add to our ball, it is easy to bounce back, but gradually, as the ball grows, it loses it’s bounce and just becomes a deadweight.
We have to accept that we have no choice but to snap some bands to make our ball lighter, Not an easy task to accept but once we start, slowly but surely our ball will begin to bounce again.
Me… aged 3, with my mum, pet lamb Billy and even one of the farm dogs, Tess, peeking through.
The advert for the new Batman movie made me stop and think. Would I really want to change anything about my past?
The answer is no. My past has not been easy and I’ve fought many battles. Some I won, some I lost, but through it all, time and time again, I’ve bounced back. Even if my bounces have been a little less high each time!
I’ve lost everything and found myself. I been accused of being too independent and of being too strong. Neither of these are true. Am I strong, yep. Am I independent, also yep BUT I only appear too much to those who are too weak or too dependent. The typical chameleons of this world who can change to be whatever and whoever for the drop of a pair of knickers.
I know what my past held, and I’m ok with all of it. Even with the lies and disrespect that were deliberately flung my way. Even with the cruel way that cancer stole away my wife. It’s ok. Not what I wanted, but ok.
I experienced feelings and emotions that brought me to my knees, but I am back on my feet (albeit it with crutches) and although some memories are painful, that’s life, that’s death. That’s me.
I don’t think I have the emotional strength to face another relationship, that’s ok too. Love isn’t always about having a partner, love is found in the smile and care of friends too.
So here is to my past, I wouldn’t change a thing… here’s to the future, whatever it may bring.
The last four years have been been life … and death changing.
After the heartache of losing a woman I loved with all my heart due to her lies snd cheating, I was a bit cynical about women and after having a couple of disastrous dates, I decided to give up and just stay single.
The day I went online to cancel subscriptions to a couple of lesbian dating sites, I noticed a message from a woman, who just happened to live locally.
To cut a long story short, we decided to meet for lunch at a local beach side cafe, in Aberdour. Ros had just come out of an abusive relationship and so we both had a lot of hurt and trust issues… but perhaps we recognised that the hurt of our pasts somehow bonded us… and our lunch meet became our first date!
Little did we know then that our journey together was going to be life changing, in more ways than one.
A year into our relationship, Lockdown happened and it was then that we decided that Ros should move in with me.
Just 6 months later, Ros was diagnosed with stage 3 endometrial cancer…. And so began a new journey.
Ros had to undergo a huge operation, that caused additional problems and caused a delay to her chemo and radiotherapy treatment. In the middle of all this her mum passed, and with the exception of just s few of her family, her relatives were downright disgusting. Ros came through this with dignity and strength, that left me in awe of her.
Then my mum became ill and eventually a place had to be found for her in a care home. Thankfully she settled in well and it was one less thing to worry about.
Unfortunately, my arthritis decided to make life even more difficult… and my mobility is now badly effected, leaving me only able to walk short distances with crutches.
Just after this happened, Ros’s cancer returned and this time it was terminal. Ros had asked me numerous times to marry her… I had always said no… but when she was told she was terminal, she gave me no choice and so in August 2022 we married in the hospice gardens. The next few months were a cycle of Ros coming home, being in tremendous pain, or drugged up to such a level that she couldn’t function. It was hard for Ros and hard for me… the emotions switched from sadness through frustration to anger and despair. The medication removed a huge part of reasoning but without it Ros was in agony.
Through all of this I was working full time, running her to appointments or visiting the hospice, all while trying to juggle the dogs and visiting my mum… and I found it tough.. both emotionally and physically. Sometimes I felt I was going to break, I had never found life so tough… then I stepped back and realised how selfish my thoughts were… and that is when the guilt started. I was tired, but Ros was dying. I was frustrated but she was scared… and I couldn’t do anything to fix that.
Ros passed peacefully in November. Myself, her niece Natalie and her gf Laura were by her side for days and nights… Ros didn’t wake for 4 days and when Ros did pass, it was in the middle of laughter… I like to think she could still hear us… and I tell everyone she died laughing, I like to think she did.
This is my photo tribute to the kindest, bravest and sometimes most annoying woman I knew… and loved.
Ros on our wedding day
When we first metOur last wee break away together to Duck Bay, Loch LomondMy friends and Ros’s ashes completing a sponsored walk she planned to doThe scattering of Ros’s ashes
Well… it is time I grabbed my feather duster and cleared out the dust in here!
My poor blog has been sadly ignored for far too long. There are a hundred reasons that will become clearer as my posts appear. In many ways it’s been a tough time emotionally, physically and mentally… but even though I continued writing during all of this, most of my thoughts were not for my blog.
Anyhoo… I have decided to finish reading my “personal” words and then delete them…I have been guilty of holding on to thoughts and people who belong in the past and do not deserve a place in my life. It is my own fault, I tend to see the good in people and obviously suffered from colour blindness when it came to red flags!
I have been guilty of false love. Loving a woman who didn’t really exist… just a chameleon, who changed with the wind, and proved to be s liar. This false love stopped me from really opening my heart to a woman who truly deserved it. I was too scared.
There are things that happen in life that we cannot fix, I did love this woman and we did marry. Even though I said No many times, Ros never gave up. Not even when cancer had her screaming in pain. When she received her terminal diagnosis, her first words to me were “well, you can’t say no now”… and I didn’t.
We married in a small ceremony in the hospice gardens at the Queen Margaret Hospice in August 2022 and it was at the hospice that Ros passed the following November.
I loved Ros, I still do, but she deserved so much more of my heart and for that I will always feel guilty.
I have been asked if I think I will have another relationship… and the answer is no. I do not have the emotional strength to face another relationship, I’m worn out with emotions, I really don’t think I have enough in me to succeed in a relationship.
On top of all of this, I am also now disabled. The arthritis in my hips can hopefully be helped by having both hips replaced but there is nothing that can be done for my hands and spine…. I feel like an emotional and physical liability, I wouldn’t wish me on anyone.
So…. I shall learn to love me and spend the rest of my life simply pleasing myself. Selfish, maybe, I see it as self preservation
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 