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One of the lessons I learned

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Regrets…or not?

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This is not quite true… there have been no “wrong people” in my life… at the time each was exactly what I wanted at that time.

Sometimes the liaisons were short… some lasted longer, but as it stands right now, no one stayed.

Sometimes this was my decision, sometimes not.

I have hurt people… and I have been hurt…. but would I change anything?… nope, not one single thing.

Each person has taught me something… either about myself.. or about them.. and through it all I have learned much about myself and what I want.

I have loved people on different levels, only a very few touched my heart… and each of them know exactly who they are.

I know what I “need” (I hate that word!)… I know what I will put up with… and what I won’t!… and learned that hindsight is a wonderful thing.

For those that have left my life… I wish you peace and happiness… for those of you who have loved me as a friend and been there when the waves crashed in…and still wanted me in your life… thank you… and I hope you know how much I appreciate you.

For those I have yet to meet… well… I hope I make you smile.

So… Regrets… no, not one… and I look forward to my next lesson.

Frustrated!

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The whole situation around Alice Alice is causing me a bit of frustration at the moment … so far I have lost out on two holidays, including a trip to Lfest in Llandudno, that I was really looking forward to.

To be honest, I feel a bit trapped.   I look outside and Alice Alice is sitting there, but since she is not roadworthy I cannot drive her anywhere and having to follow the correct procedures as advised by Citizens Advice is just making things drag on and on … and I am not one known for my patience!

I know, that this time, I have to follow the law … but I have a feeling that it will come down to me having to pay for repairs to be done and then attempt to claim the money back … so she will either cost me more or I end up selling her and losing money.

Alice Alice was bought to give me some peace and hope after the break up of a relationship … but now I see her as just part of the pain that it all caused and Im really not sure I want to keep her… perhaps it would be better to just take it on the chin and walk away.

On the other hand, I want the freedom to just go … find a quiet beach or viewpoint and be able to sit with wee Sprout and just relax … and because of the many gay women camping groups that I am a member of, I will have the opportunity to meet new friends.

Maybe the whole Alice Alice thing goes deeper than I am aware … she isn’t just a motorhome, but the symbol of my new life and freedom … and perhaps my lack of sleep is more to to with the fact that although I am ready and willing to move on … I feel stuck and unable to do so because of the problems with her.

I have this wee dream of sitting at a beach, as the sun slowly sinks in the horizon, drinking wine around a wee fire and holding hands with someone special … feeling happy, calm and wanted … but at the moment all I can see is a can of petrol, a motorhome in flames and me dancing naked around it cheering …. *sigh*

Who needs sleep anyway…

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There are times when a good nights sleep is impossible to find.

Often this is due to my mind just refusing to switch off and I have spent many a night just lying quietly in the dark trying to stop my thoughts.

The weird thing is, at the moment I feel quite peaceful… ok, there is the hassle of my motorhome to sort out, but that will be sorted in time, so it isn’t that.

I have found peace with the pain I felt when my ex and I split… so it’s not that.

I am quite happy and settled… there is nothing “bothering” me… and I can’t understand why I am finding it so difficult to sleep for more than two or three hours at a time.

I guess I will just have to”go with the flow”… and let my body and mind dictate to me… in the mean time I need to figure out how to cover the bags under my eyes!!

Life…

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At times

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Saying it like it is…

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honest

I am not a sugar coater of words when truth has to be told.

It doesn’t always make me popular, but then again, those that dislike the truth have no part in my life anyway.

I am not the sort of person who will stay in a situation where I find people rude, ignorant or just plain scumbags.

However, I do realise that at times it is not in the best interest for me to speak my mind … not for my sake, but the sake of hurting someone I care for … in situations like that, I simply remove myself from it.

I am too old to live a life in the shadow of fear or even just putting up with a situation I am not comfortable in.  This is sometimes an excuse for people to paint me in a bad light instead of confronting their own situation that made me walk away from it.  There is nothing I can do about that, and quite frankly, if they are the type of person looking for and easy way instead of the right way …. they are welcome to walk …

I will even wave them goodbye as they go.

 

 

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