Just be …

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I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately … well, perhaps not soul searching … more “relationship thinking” …

A couple of months ago one of my best friends nagged me to join some dating sites … until I gave in and did…. I have “met” some lovely people on there .. all of whom have the great possibility of being long term friends .. and I hope each and everyone of them becomes that.

As for romance .. nope .. and I know the reason is me … I am simply fed up and a bit “scunnered” (as we say in Scotland!) of relationships that never turn out to be what you hope they would be.

I have heard ALL the stories … I have listened to all the words .. and I have seen actions that never back them up…  I have been lied to, lied about … and put up with being used as a temporary measure for the benefit of someone else.  On the other hand .. some relationships have just fizzled out .. usually after a lot of years, some have never really begun before I (or they) realised that friendship was the way forward … some have just been something I should never have become involved in, because I knew that it had no legs to go long term .. my fault .. not theirs.

BUT .. saying that .. in a way I’m glad of all the experiences I have had … because of it all I have learned many lessons .. I know that no-one can bring me happiness .. that is something I have to find in myself, I know that words can be false, it is the actions of someone that tell the truth, and I know that not everyone is capable of listening to the little things … therefore have no hope in hell of listening to the things that really worry me.  A relationship, to me, isn’t built on hugs and kisses .. it is built on truth and respect and the ability to listen and speak about emotions and the stupid stuff in equal measures.

My life is very different to what it was .. I have a career that I truly love .. I have a home where I truly find my peace of mind and heart .. and I know that if I never end up in a relationship again, then it is no big deal .. I am happy, I am content .. and I have a wonderful family and family of friends …

I am very lucky .. and I know it ..  I have some wonderful memories of women past … but none of them were ever destined to be on the same path as me .. I have no idea where my path will go .. perhaps I am destined to stay as I am .. perhaps it will lead me into the arms of someone … who knows ..  I intend to “just be” …


The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

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The Invitation by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesnt interest me
what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.

I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

This Is How We Date Now

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wow … not something I wrote .. but certainly wish I did!!

Thought Catalog

iStockphotoiStockphoto / MmeEmil

We don’t commit now. We don’t see the point. They’ve always said there are so many fish in the sea, but never before has that sea of fish been right at our fingertips on OkCupid, Tinder, Grindr, Dattch, take your pick. We can order up a human being in the same way we can order up pad thai on Seamless. We think intimacy lies in a perfectly-executed string of emoji. We think effort is a “good morning” text. We say romance is dead, because maybe it is, but maybe we just need to reinvent it. Maybe romance in our modern age is putting the phone down long enough to look in each other’s eyes at dinner. Maybe romance is deleting Tinder off your phone after an incredible first date with someone. Maybe romance is still there, we just don’t know what it looks like now.

When we…

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“Hi I’m imperfect, who are you”

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imperfection2Are we honest enough to own up to our imperfections?

Are we open enough to accept and embrace them?

Sadly for many this seems an impossibility.   I see posts on various sites stating all the good points about someone, yeah that’s great .. but what I want is someone who knows their faults and owns them.  Accepting them and being responsible for them, instead of blaming others.

I see posts all the time from people looking for their “perfect woman” … such a thing does not exist .. it is not our perfections that make us compatible with another .. but our imperfections that match.

When you build a wall, the bricks are staggered, they are not perfectly lined up to match.  It is the staggering of these bricks that give the wall strength.   A relationship is no different.

A holiday to remember …

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I have just returned from a short break in Benidorm .. 3 nights in the company of 28 other ex army women …

I haven’t laughed so much in a long, long time … at one point I had to give up eating my dinner because I laughed so much (perhaps copious amounts of vodka and cava had something to do with it!)

I really enjoyed my wee break .. It was my first visit to Benidorm and we stayed in the old town .. I didn’t have too much time to explore as we also had a full day trip to Valentia .. which also was beautiful .. I really want to return to both.. and it was lovely to be able to sit in the sun after the awful weather we have been having here in Scotland (I still have my heating on and it is the 3rd of June!)

I shall let the pictures speak for themselves ….

benny1 2015-05-29 15.37.16 2015-05-28 23.44.47 2015-05-28 23.40.38 2015-05-29 18.06.53 2015-05-30 00.45.05 2015-05-30 21.56.21

A new milestone …

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10410468_10152927646663106_4495425520695543460_nToday I officially fit into my size 16 jeans (skinny one’s at that!) … still big I know .. but considering I was a size 24 .. Im pretty damned pleased .. a lot of hard work, and, unbelievably, exercise has got me here … and the difference is quite noticeable .. even just from my face…  still have a long way to go yet (another 2 stone!) but slowly but surely Im getting there .. and quickly running out of clothes!! So far 10 suits have been flung out .. and no doubt a few more will go yet ..  Im even considering changing my hair (which I never do!) so letting it grow a bit so I can have a choice of what I do with it .. and I’m beginning to look less like my dad!!

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thank you

thank you

I am very lucky in life.

Okay there have been times when I had to battle to find my way and out of a feeling of nothingness that proved to be a hard time .. but a good lesson for me … but on the whole, my life has been great and it is certainly one to celebrate.

What has made my life so special is the wonderful friendships I have made over the years .. some friendships go back all the way to my school days … others not as long, but just as meaningful.

There have been people in my life who have taken without giving, but in all honesty, we have probably all done that at some point .. they don’t matter to me, as much as I don’t matter to them.

Who does matter to me are the people that I trust and respect.. and there are a lot of them… and I hope that each and everyone of them knows how much they mean to me.

I have laughed with them, cried with them, had a drink too many with them and they have listened to me during my darkest times when I have been hurt at the actions and words of others.

They have stood by me as I fell and let me pick myself up, dust myself down and get on with things in my own time but they have always been there in the background, and I knew it.. and appreciate it.

I respect all of them for who they are.. and I know they respect me, even if they do not always agree with me!, but that is what friendship is all about… and each of them knows that if I have something to say .. I will say it .. and I really appreciate when they are up front and honest with me (even if I do not agree!!) *smile*

I find it incredible that some people just do not understand or perhaps appreciate what friendship is all about, they bounce from one set of friends to another.. I call them “barren hearts” … and I’ve had a few in my life over the years .. but as age creeps up, so does a realisation that not everyone will stay in your life, for various reasons… others will come into your life and never leave, no matter how far apart you are.. or how often you see them.

I guess that is what friendship is .. Truth, Loyalty and Care  … TLC … not just Tender Loving Care … but much, much more!

Thank you my friends … each and every one of you!

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