Brae. A gay woman's tale!

I am very tired at the moment.

My sleep pattern is all over the place and the early hours of the morning are becoming good friends.

I’m tired of being tired… tired of feeling just so worn out and fed up with the pain in my back and leg.. both of which have really been bothering me lately.

I’m too busy to feel this tired and maybe, now that Alice Alice is roadworthy I should look into a wee holiday but … with Duffy confined to a cage for at least another month… and the massive vet bill… I may have to put up with feeling like this for a month or two yet. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place and it’s bloody annoying.

There were a few memories that popped up this morning … but the two that hurt the most were from just last year.

The first was a video of my  beautiful girl Brae being chased around the house by my white boy Cat Dixie who was desperate to cuddle her … (he was more keen than she was) … it raised a wee tear but a huge smile too …

The second was a photo of me and my ex … with huge stupid grins on our faces … I was very happy then … although in hindsight maybe she wasn’t so much.

The strange thing is I don’t look tired in the photo … Im smiling and beaming and the tired look that haunts my face these days is just not there.

Of all the troubles that have hit my life since Christmas, losing my ex is the hardest to bear.  It is strange how someone who meant so much can suddenly be nothing and you are replaced before you have even split up.

For the first time in my life I truly found comfort in the love I felt for her and losing her was a huge blow to me … although for her, she had already moved on and I guess, for her, it was easy to just replace one life with another.

I have never understood how someone can do that … I know for me, I have to take time to work through the hurt and pain and find myself again before I can consider moving on… I know I am at that the point … but still … there are days when I really miss my ex … I just always felt she was such a rock in my life … I don’t ever admit to needing someone, but I think in a way I did need her.

But life goes on … she has moved on … but has probably never had the time to sit down and really think about who she is … or what she really wants from life … but that is her choice and she is entitled to that…. the saddest part of it all is that I lost all trust in her, and she was the person I trusted most in the world… and although I can forgive a lot of things, I can never forgive someone breaking my trust in the way  she did.

I have met some lovely people since I have tentatively stepped out into the dating world … one I thought may be special, but turned out to have her own issues that I simply won’t put up with … the others, I have all liked, but as a friends only basis.

I know that one day I will meet someone again … someone who is true to themselves and to me … someone with a life they are happy with and wants to share, someone happy in their own skin… and someone who does not have any hidden issues that I am expected to deal with.

Until then … it is me, Sprout and now Alice Alice again! … thankfully she is back on the road and I plan to use her to travel around meeting other gay women at various meet ups.  Maybe, just maybe, amongst the new people I meet, will be someone who fits with me as well as I thought my ex did, but this time in a true way, not in a false way.

So here is to the tomorrows yet to come!

We all make excuses at times. Usually to cover up our bad habits or behaviour…and sometimes just to have an easy life.

We face hard times and always conquer them… even though we never thought we would.

We watch on as love turns to hate and people who were once our world become strangers once again.

We always think we have time… when the reality is that everyday we live we take one step closer to our death.

We have regrets… we have “if only’s” that we keep thinking we can sort out tomorrow… forgetting that tomorrow never comes.

We have one life, a life that is ours and one day, our time will come to an end and in those last few moments will you be satisfied with what you have done and how you have lived?

I know I will.

Well … after a horrendously busy day in Edinburgh, Ormiston and Kirkcaldy, I have been out of the house for a lot longer than planned!

When I did get home I was greeted at the front gate by Dodgy Leg Duffy! … he was locked in the big cage this morning when I left …. somehow he managed to squeeze between the bottom bar and escape .. I have no idea how long he has been out for and the big cage has now been replaced by the medium black one (above)…. lets see the wee bugger get out of that!

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Well …. Paul from The Village Cars in Saline has been true to his word.   Paul rented the Workshop at the garage but has decided to take over the forecourt that was rented to Sandy Dick.

Paul has done all the welding work and sorted out the rotten floor for nothing for me.  Simply because he does not want to have the bad reputation of Sandy Dick hanging over his head.   He also put her through a new MOT … but even after all the welding work, she failed.   Mostly on minor things, such as windscreen wipers and high beam headlight … but also, more worryingly on the back brakes … when I first got her, I did phone about the brakes as I felt they were a bit slow to react, but was told that she had just been put through an MOT so they must be ok!   Again proving the false MOT certificate I had!

Paul is fixing these problems out and putting her back through an MOT today for me … so at least I know she is roadworthy and safe to drive …. which means I can once more enjoy the freedom of the road!

However, I am not giving up my fight against Sandy Dick to get my money back.  My solicitor has all the information (and knows about the other chap who has exactly the same problem with his Motorhome)… but the first thing my Solicitor is going to do is run a credit check on Sandy Dick … as he told me, that we could go to court and win the case, but whether we would get any money is a different matter… and I could end up paying out thousands of pounds on legal fees to get nothing back at all…. so … It is in his hands now… I will just have to wait and see.

I do want my money back … I paid a lot of money for Alice Alice … and to find out she wasnt worth half of what I paid is a huge blow … but it may be one I have to swallow in the end …  and may require me to “rethink” what I then do … but I will wait to make any decisions on that until my Solicitor advises me whether it is worth chasing Sandy Dick through the courts of not.

Here is hoping I can!

It wasn’t the best news about Duffy (my black cat) from my own vets today (Vetrica) … Bob is not sure the hip is back in place properly … but because he has other injuries (possible fractured knee!) that I didn’t know about from the bloody vets that charged me £1197… it is difficult for Bob to tell … it may mean an operation that will cost me another £500 … I know it is half the price I would have paid at Inglis.

I am pretty annoyed to be honest … but little I can do …  Bob has decided to leave it a week to see if there is any improvement in his leg … Duffy is confined to a cage and on strong painkillers just now … and we can leave it until then to make a decision.

If, whoever has the voodoo doll, doesn’t mind … can you please leave me alone for the rest of the year … thanks.

Replace grace with dog!

I was writing a eulogy earlier for a woman who lived her life serving others.

She was a “people pleaser”, someone who hated to say “No” to anyone, no matter how much they put on her.

Her daughter told me that her mum, spent so much time trying to make others happy that she often forgot to make herself a priority… and spent most of her life trying to please her brothers and sisters who knew exactly how to get her to do what they wanted, while they did very little for her.

When she died, this lady had given away  so much money to her family that her daughter was struggling to find the money for her funeral.   She asked the family, who had taken so much over the years, to help.  Not one of them did.

It is a sad story, she was a woman who was used by others, simply because they knew how to make her feel guilty.

It made me think.   I am a very independent woman, and I think, quite a generous one. But I give because I want to, not because I feel I should.

I am a very open woman, I don’t have secrets, I speak my mind … and not everyone likes that… but to be frank, if they don’t like it, they don’t deserve to be in my  life anyway.

Over the past few months I have had my eyes opened in more than one way.  Weak excuses to cover bad behaviour and to pass the blame to ease their  guilt,  as well as sad situations caused by fears and unhealthy reliance on many things.

I  don’t have time for people like that in my life.  I don’t want people like that in my life… and I will not be reliant on relationships or friendships that are dictated to by “outsiders”.

I have a great wee life (even if 2018 is not proving to be a good year for me!) … but I have had my eyes opened to a lot of things … and I am grateful for that … life is too short to waste emotion, time and money on the wrong people.

Here is to enjoying the real friends in life.

There is good news .. and there is bad news … the good news is that Duffy gets home from the vets today.  He will have to be kept in a cage for around 4 weeks to allow his dislocated hip to heel.  Which has now flung all my plans into complete chaos.

I had planned to go away next weekend for an overnight stay in Perth with friends and to enjoy Perth Pride.   Obviously, Duffy being caged is a huge problem.  I know I have wonderful neighbours who would feed him, but he would be alone for so long, I would just worry about him.

There is also cost to take into consideration.  Although I was quoted between £800 and £900 … the bill is now standing at £1245.17!! … I am horrified, and will have to digger deeper into my savings to pay it.   It’s not that I can’t afford it, I can… but that money was earmarked for the legal battle around Alice Alice.

I definitely have my grumpy wee chicken face on today!