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I take friendship very seriously, I have a small circle of close friends who know me very well. They know the persona beneath the clown mask and they still like me!  (surprising I know!).

Some of my friends stretch back to my primary school days, some from my teenage years, my army days. some are ex lovers and some I have found in my more “adult” years.   

I know I am very lucky as those that I class as “close friends” are always there for me, as I am always there for them.

We have seen each other through some tough times, some great times and have cried and laughed, shouted and argued at some point, but still we come through, happy to enjoy each other’s company and laugh at each other’s shortcomings and failings.

Last night I spent the evening in the company of an old standing friend of 30 years.. she was always the friend I looked up to at school, the one I always wanted to be like.   In the end we have turned out very different… she is slim, fit and a twice divorcee, I am fat, unfit and a lesbian but still we have this wonderful friendship based on the trust and loyalty that we have for each other.

The great thing about us is that we really talk, I mean complete honesty, no holds barred and we have had nights when we have howled with laughter at some of our escapades (boy could we blackmail each other!!) .. and others when we have talked deeply about relationships, our worries and our fears.

Last night was a bit of a mix but mainly we talked about how we have changed in our outlook about life and our priorities and how sometimes we (as in everyone) lose out on being happy because of our guilt or our fear of how others will judge or see us.

We came to the conclusion that in the end does it really matter? … what does matter is how we are, how happy we are and how we have to put ourselves first and let all the responsibility of others depend on them, not us.

We are 52 years old (well technically she is still 51 .. but hey!) .. we have lived the majority of our lives by now .. we now know who we are and what is important to us.

The little rules we have made, the little beliefs we have … we should let them go .. in the end the only thing that the majority of us can leave behind that is of any importance is a wee smile in someone’s heart at a memory.   

I want to leave lots of smiles.