Brae. A gay woman's tale!

I have been lucky enough in life to have the love of two really special dogs.

My beautiful Brae, who died last Christmas and now Sprout, who is celebrating her first birthday today!

My life has taken many twists and turns over the years and for 16 of them, Brae was with me every step of the way and was my constant companion.  We were there for each other when life was tough … she suffered from cancer three times and damaged her ligaments in both legs! … she cost me a fortune .. but she was worth every penny.

Sprout is a lovely wee soul, very cheeky and sometimes naughty, but very loving and friendly, she loves everyone and everything … just like Brae did.

I know I am lucky to have had 2 special dogs in my life, even if both of them made me swear at times!

Brae was the worst really … when I first rescued her she was 6 months old .. she managed to chew through the seat belt in my new car not once but twice (in two weeks) … and also managed to chew one of the extra large boxes of washing powder, leaving my kitchen looking like a drug den … not to mention her ability to jump baby gates, resulting in me having to fix another above.  In he end it wasn’t the cancer that got her, but a stroke, just after she had filled her belly with her Christmas dinner … what a way to go!

Sprout likes to chew too .. but she tends to savage her toys or chew a stick she finds in the garden, stuffed toys last about 2 minutes in this house!  I actually managed to make a local charity shop run out of stuffed toys because I bought so many in a week … and a toy that was advertised as being “indestructible” (cost me over £20 .. lasted an hour!)  I have given up now … she happily plays with the skins … normally under the duvet … it makes going to bed interesting!

The loyalty and love of a dog is a true type of love.  They don’t judge, they just love, wholly and unconditionally.  And that is why I love dogs.

There are “issues” in our lives that are taboo to talk about.

As we grow older, we change, things change, our bodies change. Our needs change.

For some how we respond physically no longer becomes “automatic”… no longer guaranteed. It is frustrating and confusing for our partners, it is frustrating and confusing for us. We can try to explain, we can try to rationalise… but it is impossible for those who have not been through it to understand.

It is not a lack of love, it is not a rejection, it is not “giving up”.

Words have to be listened to. “Just hold me” is a plea for understanding. “Stop” means just that. The pain is real.

The lacking we have will pass, for some in months, for some it takes longer because the physical lacking turns into mental doubt.

Not everyone has a partner understands, perhaps for a variety of reasons, mainly based around their own needs and desires. Or perhaps simply because their own insecurities do not allow them to believe.

We are not cruel, we are not cold, we are not looking for a way out. We just want to feel normal.

Everything passes in time.  I know that.

Recently I decided to mark a new start in my life, one of staying single, by completely renewing my mattress, pillows and duvet.

I expected it to be like a cleansing, out with the old and in with the new and all that… but what I didn’t expect was for it to open up a can of worms in my mind and heart again.

I have been thinking about how all this made me feel, and I know it is all part of a “mourning” process, memories and thoughts that had begun to fade, came back with thumping bang… and knocked me a bit sideways.

I now fully understand how, when someone dies, people are sometimes slow to get rid of personal belongings.  Although my loss was not a death, it did feel like it.  It was just so unexpected and final.  In all honesty, it is a death. Not only did I lose my lover, but a woman who I thought was my best friend and companion for life.

I understand death, maybe it’s my job and the hundreds of families I have dealt with over the years, who all cope in their own individual ways…. But loss of a lover is one of those storms in your life that spins you and flings you in all directions.

Death is final.   There are no second chances or “what if’s” … but losing a lover, even through the hurt can still leave you with hope that there will be a realisation by your ex lover over what they have lost.

Maybe this is my final hurdle, I hope it is, so I can move on, in the way I want to, with my own life.

I know that the urges of passion die down and when that does go, you are either left with something very special, or nothing.  Perhaps the problem is mine, maybe I see love in a different way …   I don’t see it as an open pair of legs and sex every night of the week, to me that is a shallow love, a physical need rather than an emotional connection … I see love as peace and comfort and feeling happy and secure with someone, that you just want to make happy and protect…. I have always said that my favourite part of sex is afterwards, in the calm, in the peace and the closeness that it brings.  That to me is love.

But all I know is that I understand death, I don’t understand love.

The memories on Facebook recently have caused me a wee bit of pain … but also a lot of laughter … today they flung up photo’s from the best holiday I ever had … two weeks in Kenya.  The first week on Safari and the second week on a beach in Mombasa (ironically the hotel we stayed in was burnt down a couple of years later during an uprising … and the shootings that took place more recently in Tunisia were also at a hotel I stayed at!) … take note folks!

I had the best tan ever!

Here are a couple of photos from Kenya that make me laugh … I was 29 at the time … half the age I am now! … jeez!

I have made many, many mistakes in my life. I have spoken out, when I should have kept my mouth shut. I have taken myself out of situations that I find uncomfortable or just don’t enjoy. I have put trust in people that I shouldn’t have. I have made decisions that in hind sight, were very wrong.

The list is endless… but one thing I do know, is that I accept I am not perfect. I am just like everyone else trying to find their peace in this confusing and angry world.

Peace is important to me, more so than anything else. Peace of heart and peace of mind. Sometimes, I have one but not the other and then the balance in my life is all wrong. Sometimes, I have neither and the world becomes a confusing and angry world.

There is no doubt I will make more mistakes in my life. There is no doubt I will find and lose my peace many times too.

I will never be perfect… I will always make mistakes… but with every mistake I make and every lesson I learn from that my peace will always return.

…. and all of them say “I miss the you I thought I knew”