Brae. A gay woman's tale!

Today I took Alice Alice over the Murray Caravans at Airth for them to have a wee look at … they were horrified at what they found … the vehicle is definitely unroadworthy and too much work for them to be able to do.

They sent me along to Stirling to see a specialist Welder at One Stop Motor Engineering, who after having a look, told me that it was a job that was too big even for him … he is disgusted that it ever passed it’s MOT and confirmed it is unsafe to drive…. and told me to go straight to The Village Cars in Saline and demand my money back.

I drove straight there … surprise, surprise Sandy Dick was nowhere to be seen but I did speak to “Stevie” who claims that he just “works there” … I have stopped any pretence of being civil now … and told him straight that I knew the garage was a partnership and were also in cahoots with Cowdenbeath Auto Co Ltd which has changed it’s name to Fife Vans and Trucks Limited  (they have only changed name … still same company).

I have discovered two other people who bought cars from The Village Cars in Saline, who had MOT certificates from Cowdenbeath Auto Co Ltd … who both had cars that were unroadworthy.

I explained very clearly, and very firmly that Sandy Dick or any other business partner had until the end of the week to come back to me to offer me my money back or, as well as legal action, I would take Alice Alice up there … park her in front of their gates, with signs all over the inside warning people against buying there.

I also offered them the chance to give me another motorhome in exchange … but one that I will have checked out before accepting.

And I will keep to my promise.   I am very angry …. so angry I am calm.   That is not a good sign.

I shall wait until the end of the week to see if there is any response .. if not … Alice Alice will be dumped outside their gates, locked, with huge signs inside… and I will not move her until I have the money in my pocket, whether it be directly or two years down the line through the courts.

The bastards have tried my patience once too often … time to take action.

Some photos of just some of the work needing done …

Over the past couple of weeks I have struggled a wee bit with my feelings and thoughts again.

Normally I just shut myself away and ponder, and I often wonder if anyone else thinks as deeply as me, or feels the same way I do.

I know this year has not been the easiest for me … I’ve lost things I didn’t want to lose and my dream to restart a new life by the purchase of my motorhome, has turned into a nightmare that I am stuck in.

Recently my back and leg have really been giving me trouble and my sleep pattern is all over the place… mostly I just feel tired all the time.

I have made a real effort to go out and meet friends, and I have surprised myself by really enjoying myself each time… but still there is a sadness in me that I can’t seem to shake.

I don’t know why it won’t leave me … I have accepted my ex fell out of love with me and met someone she would rather be with … and even though it was a huge slap to the face, and the hurt and pain took a while to get over, I do understand how difficult it must have been for her to be with me, when she preferred to be with someone else.   In the past, I have been in that situation myself, and if truth be known, if the situation was reversed,  I would have done exactly the same thing as she did.

My wee foray into dating, did not turn out well.   There were too many secrets and strange circumstances that I just could not deal with, no matter how much I tried to.  I gave more chances than I normally would, but in the end I found the whole thing far too problematic for me to deal with… but it did give me a wee bit of brightness into my life that just seems so “grey” at the moment

The motorhome fiasco hasn’t helped.   Even though I am doing everything by  the book, as advised by Citizens Advice, I am finding the whole process too slow and useless and I am just getting more and more frustrated with it all.

I now really doubt my own judgement.   I don’t seem to see what is right in front of me and I am feel a bit stupid about a lot of things… and just wish I had something to look forward to, everything just seems to be a circle of day to day stuff … and I’m tired of it.

I was talking to one of my good pals on the phone last night, who has known me for a lot of years and she said to me “you  trust too much and think you can fix people”… maybe she is right and perhaps that explains why I find myself in situations that only end up hurting me.

I know that I am a strong woman. I am the sort of person who “get’s things done” … but sometimes I am too strong for my own good. I am just as vulnerable as everyone else but  I rarely ask for help, I rarely ask to be held …  that is not to say I do not need these things.   I do.  I just don’t always know how to ask for them… and I don’t seem to be able to meet someone who understands this.

I have wonderful friends, who are always there for me, whether this be in real life or online, but sometimes, all I want is silence, to be held and to feel at peace.

I am not sure if admitting this makes me strong or weak, I don’t care to be honest … today is another day, and I will just get on with it.  I have no other choice.

Still making the same old mistakes

Still jumping from one relationship to another

Still putting up with the same old rubbish

Still not brave enough to live the life they want

Still trapped

the list is endless ….

I just realised from my memories that 5 years ago I became a Celebrant!

It was a bit of a change after 29 years in recruitment but a change that was definitely for the best!

Although I do take Wedding ceremonies, Vow Renewals and Naming Ceremonies, it is Funerals that are my main business … and to date I have taken over 700 of them.

At times I have worked over 80 hours a week, but through time have learned that this is not healthy for me, I am a wee bit of a workaholic and it has been hard trying to stick to my guns and setting a limit on the amount of work I take on.

It is difficult at times, and I try hard never to let down a family I have worked with before, but I do end up a bit stressed about it all… and the stress has affected my life in a few different ways, not always good…. and I know that sometimes I now have to step back a little and let life, rather than death into my life.

I do love my job and it is always an honour to help families who are grieving and I hope I never lose the care I like to put into each tribute.

At the end of the day, the last memory families have of their loved one, is the funeral, and I hope to always make it a good one for them.

What was planned as a simple dog walk in Dunfermline Glen turned into be much more … joined by 3 kids, 3 mums and another dog!

We ended up spending a couple of hours at the play park … dogs were having fun and then a nice wee drink (only  diet coke for me!) and a meal at the Glen Tavern.

I thought I would be out for an hour or so .. but 4 hours later, Im just home … had a great time and met two lovely new women with the most beautiful wee twins …

A good day … now coffee, pj’s and telly time!

This is a happy and sad post all in one.

Yesterday I took the decision to block two people who no longer have a part in my life.

The first was a new “friend”, who tried to keep me as a dark little secret and who I know had lied to others about our “friendship”.

The second was my ex … as many of my friends know, I was deeply hurt by her actions, but after a few months of hurting and anger, we did seem to find our balance … I realised that I did not want her back … or, at the moment, have a “real life” friendship with her, simply because I would have found it difficult.

We did seem to fall into an online friendship, mostly just by messages, until I suddenly realised I was being open and honest about my life but in return I was receiving just a few words in reply.

I had  no idea if I was just being a bit sensitive … so I asked her how she was … no reply…

The weird thing is, it was her wish for us to remain friends … not mine … and it took a lot of soul searching on my part to be able to even have any  contact with her… but I realised that no matter how badly it ended and how hurt I was … during our time together, she made me happy … and so I thought I would swallow my pride and have some contact with her.

It now seems I was wrong to believe she wanted friendship and I find that quite sad.

She was the major part of my life, we shared a lot together and done a lot together and when we split I was lost for a lot of months … one day I thought I was in a happy and settled relationship and the next, nothing.

Obviously, having a new girlfriend makes me less important in her life, which is understandable … but to walk away after hurting me so much, wanting friendship and then not, seems just another way to try to hurt me… but now, instead of being hurt, I just think “oh well … your loss” …

I wish both the above people all the best in life … in many ways I still miss them both .. but I also feel sorry for them both…. however, I have my boundaries … and both broke them and I realise that I was not meant to be part of their lives, not because of my actions, but because of theirs.

I guess we all have different morals and standards … and to be honest, I have enough fantastic friends, without having to chase others who have no respect for me.

Definitely time to close the door to the past.