Over the past couple of weeks I have struggled a wee bit with my feelings and thoughts again.

Normally I just shut myself away and ponder, and I often wonder if anyone else thinks as deeply as me, or feels the same way I do.

I know this year has not been the easiest for me … I’ve lost things I didn’t want to lose and my dream to restart a new life by the purchase of my motorhome, has turned into a nightmare that I am stuck in.

Recently my back and leg have really been giving me trouble and my sleep pattern is all over the place… mostly I just feel tired all the time.

I have made a real effort to go out and meet friends, and I have surprised myself by really enjoying myself each time… but still there is a sadness in me that I can’t seem to shake.

I don’t know why it won’t leave me … I have accepted my ex fell out of love with me and met someone she would rather be with … and even though it was a huge slap to the face, and the hurt and pain took a while to get over, I do understand how difficult it must have been for her to be with me, when she preferred to be with someone else.   In the past, I have been in that situation myself, and if truth be known, if the situation was reversed,  I would have done exactly the same thing as she did.

My wee foray into dating, did not turn out well.   There were too many secrets and strange circumstances that I just could not deal with, no matter how much I tried to.  I gave more chances than I normally would, but in the end I found the whole thing far too problematic for me to deal with… but it did give me a wee bit of brightness into my life that just seems so “grey” at the moment

The motorhome fiasco hasn’t helped.   Even though I am doing everything by  the book, as advised by Citizens Advice, I am finding the whole process too slow and useless and I am just getting more and more frustrated with it all.

I now really doubt my own judgement.   I don’t seem to see what is right in front of me and I am feel a bit stupid about a lot of things… and just wish I had something to look forward to, everything just seems to be a circle of day to day stuff … and I’m tired of it.

I was talking to one of my good pals on the phone last night, who has known me for a lot of years and she said to me “you  trust too much and think you can fix people”… maybe she is right and perhaps that explains why I find myself in situations that only end up hurting me.

I know that I am a strong woman. I am the sort of person who “get’s things done” … but sometimes I am too strong for my own good. I am just as vulnerable as everyone else but  I rarely ask for help, I rarely ask to be held …  that is not to say I do not need these things.   I do.  I just don’t always know how to ask for them… and I don’t seem to be able to meet someone who understands this.

I have wonderful friends, who are always there for me, whether this be in real life or online, but sometimes, all I want is silence, to be held and to feel at peace.

I am not sure if admitting this makes me strong or weak, I don’t care to be honest … today is another day, and I will just get on with it.  I have no other choice.