Brae. A gay woman's tale!

All through our lives we change, or at least we should!

When I was younger, my focus was on having a good night out with friends and I have to say I had some fantastic nights!

But … as I have grown older my focus has changed … I still love to meet up with friends and have a drink now and again, but as my life has unfolded, I have realised the importance of finding peace and happiness in my own company.

I spend a lot of time alone, although I can honestly say I am never lonely.   If I do feel the need for company I know I have friends I can visit or who can visit me.

My priorities in life have changed … I value peace, trust and honesty above all else and this is perhaps down to what I have been through in my life.

I have had 2 major relationships lasting 10 years and 8 years … and both these women I still trust fully to this day.  We may not speak regularly but I still respect and value them as people and I hope they do the same with me.

However, it was not the ending of these relationships that hurt me the most… both these relationships simply ran their course … one because we were very young when we got together and in the end were living very separate lives … and the second because of working and living together 24 hours a day, 365 days a week … in the end we had nothing to talk about… but the stress of having a business together also took it’s toll.

But it was neither of these relationships that hurt me the most … Two that  lasted a couple of years each were the one’s that really hit me .. one was quite an up and down relationship that never gave me peace but it was the one that taught me that peace in myself and in a relationship was so important and for that I will always be grateful.

The other, most recent hurt, took away my peace … I had no idea the relationship was in trouble … but perhaps I should have known … there were too many things I wasn’t told and it was relationship that was “stuck” … although I accepted the many excuses why it couldn’t move forward, in my heart I never really understood them… but I did try to .. and that was a huge error on my part.

But … again I have learned from this … I have learned that truth comes in many forms and when doubt starts niggling, to listen to it.

The new chapter of my life has well and truly begun … I did, for a while, worry about how I would be when the time came for me to take the first steps in this … but it was easier and nicer than I thought!… and the sparkle in eye and in my soul is definitely back!

I have found my feet again, I no longer have that awful sinking feeling in my stomach and the need to cry at every sad song … the pain of jealousy knowing my ex is with someone else has gone … as is the stunned disbelief that we actually broke up.

I have realised that if she had wanted our relationship to continue, she would have chosen to speak to me … she didn’t … she made her choice and I do hope, for her sake, that she is happy … I have to say that during our time together, I thought she was perfect and it was perhaps for that reason that I overlooked a lot of things that I shouldn’t have.

I know now that my peace and happiness comes from within me … I don’t need someone in my bed to make me happy … when I love someone, I love them more than just for sex … sex is easy to find but the excitement does run it’s course … and that emotional connection that wants you to be the very best you can be for someone is much more important … as is the feeling of peace that you get with that connection.

Love, for me, is being with someone who shares the same values as me .. honesty, openness and trust and who has the strength of character to want to be in relationship though good and bad times … and who can speak up for themselves … I don’t want someone weak who needs to follow me … I don’t want someone too strong who feels they have to lead me … I want someone to be by side so we can help and support each other through the many trials that life brings.  I never want to need anyone, I just want to want them and be wanted in return.

Until that happens, if it happens, I will be the person there for me, as I have been in the past and will be again in the future.

I shall become.

Three Dolls.com 

I have worked my wee butt off today (ok wee butt maybe slightly inaccurate .. but hey ho … my blog .. my words!)

I have caught up with all my writing … and now have a free day tomorrow to tackle my weeds!! … which may mean that I can sneak away  for an overnighter somewhere with Alice Alice and Sprout at the weekend!

Tomorrow I am tackling the garden … my weedkiller is ready and I’m going to look out my hedge trimmer!, although I have a funny feeling that it may be broken, but I will check it out anyway!

Tomorrow the weeds are getting it! … and when I get them all under control I am going to spend a wee while every couple of nights just keeping up with them … that way it won’t be such a big job!

My next big job will be the decking … it needs power washed and protected and the summerhouse needs painting … but I will just take my time and get them done … I’m not going to have hanging baskets this year … to be frank I can’t be bothered with them … but I am thinking of buying something fake to hang up instead … maybe even a solar light or something … I shall have a wee lurk on ebay and see what I can find!

I am actually quite excited about getting stuck into it .. this CBD oil has really done wonders for my back …  although it is not perfect by any means .. I can’t believe how much easier it for me to move around … perhaps the weather helps too!

My master plan is to do a little bit of work often… that way I won’t take up big blocks of my time having to do things and it will free up travelling time … well .. that’s the theory anyway!

I’m off to lurk on ebay ….

I have a whole day of writing ahead of me today …

I am hoping that the woman of my dreams will turn up at my  door later with a kebab and chips for me.

Although, to be fair, I would settle for the kebab and chips.

Life is a series of tests that we have to face with dignity and courage … well … sometimes!

Today I had to give the cats their worming tablets … it is NOT easy … it is a case of grabbing the scruff of their neck and ramming the tablet to the back of their throats and rubbing their necks for ages in the hope that they swallow!

For the last two months I have been unsuccessful … each time I found a tablet on the floor afterwards … unfortunately, I had no idea which cat had spat it out!

So I have given up trying to battle with them … and ordered spot on worming treatment…  the little buggers might have won a couple of battles … but I am going to win this war!

Don’t be fooled by their cuteness!

Just home after a long day!     and finalising details of my first official women’s meet up on the 16th and 17th of June … off to the Yorkshire Dales to meet a bunch of women I don’t know! … really looking forward to it.. they seem a friendly bunch … and the wee site looks lovely!

They are meeting from the Friday night, but I have a vow renewal to take then, so I will travel down early on the Saturday with wee Sprout!.. who will no doubt chill out again!

Click on the link to see it … Scabba Wrath Campsite

about to set off for my third family visit today. I also had a funeral… and all of this on my first day back of holiday!… I could just curl up and go to bed!

I am in a quandry about this weekend … I “could” disappear overnight in Alice Alice … but I really should make a start on weeding the garden … and I need to powerwash the decking before I re-stain it …

I really want to go away… but I know I will just sit and fret about doing the garden … knowing it still needs to be done…

I think it has to be a case of “curbing my enthusiasm” to go away and face up to the fact that I am boring auld git and do the weeding!

Boo!

On “memories” on Facebook this morning I had a video pop up that made me laugh out loud … it was from this time last year when my ex and I were camping at Silverdykes Campsite and the heavens opened!

We were in the middle of putting up the awning and hadn’t done it right … the water was gathering in the roof in huge puddles and my ex was trying to get rid of the water … she was already in hysterics (with me videoing!) when all of a sudden our feet were soaked … we had a flood running through the awning!… probably one of the funniest things I have on video!

Later that night we popped down into Anstruther for a takeaway … and discovered that it was the only place open as the sewers had popped all around the seafront!

I enjoyed watching the video … and laughed … my recent break away in Alice Alice has done me the world of good … at last I have let go and remember the good times and fun and forget how horribly wrong it went at the end.