Image.. when my life felt as if were one big battle.

When the peace in my head and my heart that I desperately need, just like oxygen, seemed smothered and dead.

I remember those days and I remember thinking how much better it would be if I just did not exist.

I did not want to die .. I just didn’t want to exist.

Everything took far too much effort.   There was nothing in my life to look forward to.    I found no peace .. the stress of my life overwhelmed me .. and it was all my fault .. I let it.    Finding a sad kind of comfort in the darkness that surrounded me.   I lost all positive feelings … I just wanted to scream and shout and break free from cloud that surrounded me … 

The harder I fought, the more it got hold of me … twisting me, turning me, trapping me.

I felt I was shouting into the wind and no-one could hear.

It was a very bad time for me … but looking back I am grateful for depression that I went through … it made me stop and think and look at my life and realise that something had to change … not just outside circumstances but I mean within me … 

I had two choices .. stay as I was and give myself stress and anxiety or change .. and give myself the peace and freedom that I know I need.

I have had to gently look inside me and accept the good and the bad about my personality …  and I have learned a few lessons from doing that.    Some truths are not easy to accept .. but I have had to accept them and analyse them and think “why” a lot of the time …

In the end my life has changed completely.   I no longer have the pressure I had .. although one of my (many!) failings is that I do still put pressure on myself .. and I do still suffer from guilt .. but I accept them and recognise when I doing something out of guilt or stress and just accept that I am always going to be like that.

What my new “day” has brought me is a deep peace in myself, I am very contented… I have no money but in strange way I am richer than I have ever been because I have everything I need …

.. and there is a huge difference between what you need and what you want.

I need nothing else in my life … and although I think I do want someone special in my life I am lucky to have the most wonderful friends who I love completely.     

I have promised myself that I will not get involved with anyone else if my gut tells me not to…. nothing should be forced, or expected .. I just want something natural and right … comforting and loving.    Not a temporary crush or someone who says the right things when it suits but doesn’t mean them … I am tired of playing games. 

I want someone who makes my soul smile…. so bring on the tomorrows … I am ready!