Dear Ros
June 17, 2023
regular cancer, death, lesbian, love,, wife Leave a comment
Dear Ros,
It’s nearly 7 months since you wandered off to the big tattoo parlour in the sky… 7 months that feel like years… yet also just a heartbeat ago.
It’s been strange without you. It didn’t seem real at first, I was so used to you being in and out of the hospice that I still expected you to call with my daily orders of what you wanted brought in… I’ve never known anyone to need as many clothes as you did!…. And it’s true to say that my eyes rolled more than the lies of Boris Johnson’s tongue!
I miss my calls in the wee hours because you were awake and missing me, I miss the text messages, that made no sense but always made me laugh!
I even miss the calls when you were so out of it because of your medication that you were scared … I miss them because I know you are longer scared but in those moments you were so damn honest that I couldn’t have loved you more… I couldn’t say or do anything to stop your fear but the fact that you could be that honest brought us closer together.
I tried so hard to keep things “normal”, just as you wanted…but at times it was so bloody difficult.
I miss you. I miss your banter, how you were always trying to help others, even after your death. I miss your laugh, your tutting and your crabbiness.
It had been funny finding out how many people you told to look after me! Silly bugger. But thank you.
The kitchen is no longer rearranged on a weekly basis. The floors are only hoovered when Yvonne comes in. I am still spoiling the dogs (still shouting at them too!). Your craft room is now a spare room again and I managed to paint the decking.. twice!! (Took me a while as I had to do it sitting down!).
The garden is looking fabulous.. thanks to Andrew, Kate, Willie and of course… me!… although I’m only able to take credit for the pots and wielding the garden hose!
The next big job is the summerhouse.. as in clearing it out!! So much stuff that you said you had taken to the tip has miraculously found it’s way into the back of the summerhouse!! … I wonder how that happened? After a few choice words, I laughed, it was just so.. YOU!
How I wish I could nag you and tell you to get up to the tip with it all… but I can’t… so I will sift through it… no doubt cursing you a bit more, but laughing … and probably wiping away a wee tear too.
So… I’m getting there. Life has found its new normality, I’ve found my peace again, so I will say thank you. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me and thank you for being the most stubborn, laid back, bravest woman I ever had the chance to share part of my life with.
Keep rocking x
That’s what friends are for…
June 16, 2023
regular friendship, funny, happy, smile Leave a comment
Background to this text exchange… I bought a new bbq but due to arthritis in my hands, I am struggling to put the legs on.. so I asked one of my pals if she and her wife Fiona would like to come over to help and I would cook a bbq. Kate said “if course” but then said that they would bring food… this is the text conversation that followed.. (you can tell we are great pals!)
Awakening
June 10, 2023
regular attitude, contentment, emotion, grief, happy, lesbian, peace, stress Leave a comment
It’s been a strange (in a good way) few weeks. Although my mobility is definitely worsening, my little boot scooter had opened up my world again…. And just being able to get out and about without being in real pain (and crabbit), suddenly the worlds my oyster again… well up to 10 miles of it before I have to recharge my scooter battery!
Today I had a great trip to Scone Palace for PotFest (of the ceramic type)… it was great!!… although my scooter driving skills were put to the test as I avoided knocking exhibits or people down!
After living under so much pain and stress for so long, it’s a fantastic feeling to realise that my stress and the frustration I held for my own capabilities (or lack of), have both just gone… I’m coming alive again. I like it.
Mantra
June 5, 2023
regular attitude, friendship, lesbian, life, love, Leave a comment
This is my new mantra. Life has kicked me hard at times and there have been moments when it took every piece of me to get up and get on with existing. Not living … existing. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has felt like this… and not the only one who has lost peace of heart and of mind.
I’m not the greatest at reaching out but since I lost Ros, and physically being less able to do many things I used to do, I have found it easier, due to the great support that so many gave and continue to give.
This is a new stage in my life… the first steps in a journey that I intend to make on my own. I really do not want another relationship, maybe I’m too cynical or just too damn lazy… I’m very comfortable with that decision… although I think I need to improve my cooking skills!
When memories leak
June 3, 2023
I had to go to The Queen Margaret Hospital this evening for another X-ray on my hips. On my way out, I noticed the door to the hospice gardens was open. The hospice closed earlier this year, but it was in the gardens that Ros and I married.
I had a wee wander in and round to the shelter where we exchanged vows… and it was emotional.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Ros over the past few weeks.
Tonight I feel very alone.
blue dress that disappeared!
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 