Brae. A gay woman's tale!

I treated myself to the new Ella Henderson album … and I simply love it ….

This is one of my favourites .. but there are so many…. I can’t decide which one to sing in the car *smile*

My poor wee blog has been neglected lately.  I have been very busy with work and simply have not had the time to sit down and really think about anything that I wanted to write about.

The picture is of my view today .. I was writing a tribute and Jilly was surveying her kingdom … and hopefully looking out for any mice that may approach my new car!

A few years ago I had a problem when a mouse managed to chew through some wires and then went on to cause a problem with my brakes .. although that was because I had managed to squish it between them (it was not intended as revenge but I must admit it did give me some satisfaction!).

I know I am lucky in life .. I have found my niche and even though a couple of years ago I would never have thought I would be working as a Celebrant .. I didn’t even know what it meant! .. I am loving what I do.  I get so much satisfaction and often I am left feeling very humble at the stories I am privileged to hear.

Life for some of the families I deal with has not been easy.. for others it has … but what both have in common is a love for the person they have lost.   A person’s worth is not in the material things that they leave behind, but the memories and smiles in the hearts of the people who love them.

Some of the memories I have heard have had me in tears .. sometimes with laughter, sometimes with sadness… but all the memories have had great meaning to the families… and on the day of a funeral or cremation, I am simply their voice.

I do know that I have learned so much in the past couple of years .. through my personal life and through my work life .. and what it has taught me is to never have regrets.  And I never will.

I am a woman of contradictions.    I do not think I am the only one.

I love being with friends, I also love time on my own.

I love noise, I love peace and quiet.

I love to talk, I love to listen.

I love to laugh and I love to cry.

I feel love and I feel indifference.

People love me, people hate me.

People rarely forget me.

Somewhere,  Beneath it all,  it exists, and is found in the most unexpected places.

What is happening in Scotland today is like the choice between an old lover and a new mistress.

The excitement may have worn off and the new mistress a tempting proposition.    Sadly not all that glitters is gold.

Some of us (me included) have decided to stay loyal to the old lover .. recognising the imperfections that have to be worked on, and perhaps giving the old lover a bit of a shake up.

Some have decided to take the chance with the new lover… carried away with the excitement that passion can bring.

At the end of the day, whatever we choose, we will always have a pang of regret for the other .. but that must be all it is.

Together, as a nation, Scotland must learn to accept our new future, whatever bed we decide to sleep in, and make the very best of it.  Forever.

So here is to us, a great nation, that history proves never manage to agree on very much *smile*.   Let’s change our own history by being an example of how a country that is practically split in two about the referendum can come together to be a great nation again.    With pride we lead.

I have to share this .. I have been laughing my head off since a friend of mine pointed out the guy’s face on the tv….

This is my very lovely friend Abby … dressed up for a bbq I had a couple of weeks ago … she has, through great determination just lost 3 stone and looks bloody fantastic! …    but this photo not only shows off what a beautiful woman she is .. but .. .. well .. just look at the guys face ….  *laughing even more*

Sometimes life is not easy.   Sometimes everything seems wrong, out of place and you find yourself in turmoil.  The heavy brick in your stomach feeling seems permanent and the arguments in your own head are constant.

This is life.   It is like that.    What you have to remember is that it will not always be like this .. I know you have a lot of changes going on in your life right now … big changes, big decisions that a part of you does not want to make, but a part of you knows you must.

I know you worry, torn between responsibility and what you really want and that says a lot about you (although you may not realise it!) … you are not the same person you were .. you are not the “oh lets just do it” type of person who bounced your way through life into different situations that temporarily gave you peace.

You are older now, more responsible, still as much fun though (and that is good!) .. but you have become the person you are through hard work, experience and maturity.

You asked me once “what is it we have” .. and I replied “I don’t know but I like it” … and that still applies … you are more than a friend, less than a lover … you hold a very unique place in my life in my heart and although I know from experience that life and time sometimes changes things, rest assured I will always be here for you with my nagging advice and tutting *smile*

For now, with all the changes that you are going through there are some that need to be put to one side ..you always needs a constant thing in your life when you are changing other parts of your life.    I know that too from experience.

Wherever you end up, whoever you may become, I will be there for you.   I may not always agree with you (as you know I don’t) but you know I always tell you .. and I will continue to.

At the end of the day, the changes you make will be down to you, they have to be decisions that you make and that are the best for you, things that will make you happy.   Leave the guilt behind, it’s a terrible thing, just do what you have to.

You are my friend, you are a beautiful woman.  I treasure you.

We all have our cages.

image by knowledgehi.com

Responsibility, obligation, expectation, guilt, money.

These are the things that trap us within our own lives.

I am, in many ways very lucky, my only responsibility is to me.   I do not have the pressure of someone else’s happiness to worry about.

Obligation, well I am also lucky enough not to feel obligated to anyone.  Thankful and Grateful yes .. obligated .. no.

Expectation, this did trap me for a while .. I followed the path of what I thought was expected of me until I realised the path I was on did not make me happy.   

Guilt … ah guilt .. probably my biggest nemesis … but over time and acknowledging this is myself I have managed to mostly put this behind me. Although to be fair this has been helped by the behaviour of others that has made me sit up and think!

Money… probably the biggest reason that most of us are trapped and in some ways I still am.   My new business is going OK .. but I do live on my own, and I do have to pay the bills.   I have sacrificed quite a lot over the last year, sometimes for weeks on end I have no social life and now I have to make choices on what my money has to be spent on .. I really wanted to buy a ticket to go and see Texas yesterday … but my hoover started belching out smoke … in the end I bought a hoover.

I am not complaining the lack of money really .. I expected it and prepared for it … I am quite happy in my own company and have one or two wee new hobbies to keep me occupied when I get a bit bored.

As my business grows I know that money will become less of a worry .. for now it is my main one .. but in the years to come this will hopefully change.

I know that when it does I will truly be free and that is one fantastic feeling!

Life can be a trial.  It is full of great times, ok times and bad times … and these times can change in the blink of an eye.

Through it all we will learn more about ourselves during the bad times and these times will give us a different view on life.

I have a friend at the moment who is having a very tough time … she has a lot of worry about a close family member who is very ill and she is hoping for good news .. but preparing for bad.

There are no words that will ease her pain … at times like this in our life we just need to hold on and get through them … and hold onto our thoughts and ours hopes.

It is not always easy … the pain of what we feel stabs us in the heart and becomes all that we can feel .. our main feelings are of  shock… anger… hurt… disbelief…  But hidden in all the pain and sorrow that we feel… there is something beautiful to celebrate.

You can celebrate that you are privileged and honoured to know her.

That she is a part of your life.

That you have wonderful memories that you can share.

Smile about your memories … tell her that you love her …

I truly hope that everything has a happy outcome for her … right now she needs support from her friends …  and I just want her to know that I’m here if she needs me.