Brae. A gay woman's tale!

2018 … a year I will be glad to see the back of.

As years go, this has certainly been a tough one for me …. it left me doubting myself and really sitting back and thinking about my life.

It took a long time to realise that people lie and cheat to cover up who they are, not as a reflection of me, but as a reflection of them.

This year has seen me cheated on, lied to, and being on the end of a cruel mouth … three women who have little thought for their own actions and words.

I know I am lucky to be free of all three of them, although sometimes the mind is a cruel friend, and makes you believe that someone is not who they really are.  Reality shows you differently.

2019 will be a year of “real” … no more fake, no more being a stepping stone or being used by women who really need to sort their  lives and their problems out, before they leave even more chaos in their wake.

I have been having a rough time lately.  The battle between my head and heart continues and, once again, I lost my peace.

2018 has not been a good year, full of a lot of personal pain that I am still trying to fight my way through… slowly I am getting there, but there are still days when I fight to get out of bed in the morning.  Thankfully, my work makes me get up and get on with it, but sometimes I could shut the door and lock myself away.

I have decided to change a lot in my life, I bought a new mattress and bedding,  sold the Motorhome, I have bought a beautiful caravan that I am delighted with and unexpectedly bought a new car too! … I didn’t intend to, but had a call from the garage where I bought my Qashqai from telling me of a deal on a second hand Nissan X Trail with only 7k miles on the clock.   The monthly payments actually work out at £2 less a month, and it is a better vehicle for towing (and a 4 x 4 which means I can escape the lane when it snows!)… I have also had my living room, hall and bathroom redecorated … and my bedroom and office will be having a facelift in the new year (once I can decided on the colours!).

I know I need to put the hurt and frustration of 2018 behind me … perhaps all these changes will help me find a wee bit of confidence in myself and my ability to see people for who they really are.

I have also decided to concentrate on myself.   This year I have had to deal with lies and cheating, drunkeness and temper tantrums, which were very cruel.   I am not prepared to put up with any of this in my life.

I may have lost my peace for now but I know it will return.   I just need to take care of me and let karma deal with the rest.

Well, Alice Alice is away to South Wales to her new home… and Poppy is now my new favourite thing in the world! I’m really delighted with her… she is 3 years old and like brand spanking new.

I’ve spent today trying to sort her out… still have a bit to go though and my spare bedroom still looks like a war zone!

Sprout has settled in nicely… and even had her own wee holiday bag, containing a towel, poo bags, lead and treats!

It is always there.  That empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Sometimes it easys a little … sometimes it is a deep pain that I can’t shift… but it is always there.

It is a strange feeling to love someone so deeply, that you know that no matter what, you always will.   You want them to be happy, but you don’t want know all about what makes them happy.

It is easy to forget the lies and the excuses… but not so easy to forget how they made you feel.

You just have to accept that, for some, deep love is something they cannot give to a partner, they want the excitement that always dies down.   They want the idea of love, but have no idea of what real love really is.

But you know, you know that one day they will.   You know you are still in their thoughts and you know they will never tell you.

For you it was love.  For them a stepping stone… and you know will you never get the honesty you deserved.

Im having a quiet one this year … just with my folks.  It will be a funny old time … I will be thinking back on my beautiful Brae who died on Christmas Day last year.

I still miss my beautiful dug … but wee Sprouty certainly has filled a big hole in my heart.

At least this year I can also save some money by not having to buy presents for a girlfriend! … good job really since I have just spent a load of money on buying presents for “Poppy” … my new caravan that arrives on Saturday! … still haven’t sold Alice Alice yet … but she will go … I am not in any hurry although parking may be a bit tight.

I know 2019 is going to be better than this year (couldn’t have got much worse for me!) … and Im looking forward to trips away in my new fantastic caravan with my friends … and I don’t have to try to work around anyone but myself! … freedom is a great thing when you don’t need to have someone in your life.

What you did, what you lost and what you want.

And you don’t know how to get it.

You learn your truth, your pain and your lesson.