Brae. A gay woman's tale!

I had to play this at a funeral the other week .. and it has haunted me ever since .. and I have no idea why …

“If Tomorrow Never Comes”

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She’s lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay there in the dark
And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she’s my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

‘Cause I’ve lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there’s no second chance to tell her how I feel

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way to show her every day
That she’s my only one
And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you’re thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

I am writing a rather sad eulogy at the moment.   Actually” rather sad” is not the right expression, it is more tragic than sad.

A life has been cut short by depression… and as I listened to the family tell me the story of the deceased life, I recognised the pain and anguish that they are feeling from thinking that they did not do enough… did not care enough and have somehow “failed” the deceased.

This is not true … they really did all they could .. but right now they can’t see it .. and that is understandable.

I hope in time that they do .. and I hope that in some small way what I am writing to present at the funeral will give them some comfort from the crippling feeling of helplessness and guilt that they are feeling right now.

It is not possible for any of us, no matter how good we are at understanding people, to always read between the lines.  Sometimes we are too busy, or simply cannot be bothered to really listen.   We are sometimes unable to pick up on the small signs … that are so obvious when we look back … because we get fed up, get angry .. or sometimes just do not care enough to see the signs.

For most of the time the person going through a black time cannot find the right words to explain … not for the lack of wanting to .. but sometimes because we do not always understand or see the signs in ourselves.

In some ways I am glad I suffered from Depression, it gave me an insight into myself (and sadly, into other people!) that I would never have had … it also gave me the chance to stop, turn around, and start over again … not that I really ever thought about having to “reinvent” myself in a completely new career … but the stress of fighting and fighting and fighting some more just to say afloat took it’s toll on me … and in the end I had to admit defeat.

There were times when I look back that I was reaching out for help before I was officially diagnosed and I remember saying the words “just listen, I just want you to listen” …  many times … sadly, I know now that the person I was trying to get to listen to me simply couldn’t.. not deliberately .. but just because of who she was and who I am.

For a long time before that I had desperately sought peace, I wanted to be alone at times, I wanted to sit in the quiet and not chat .. I wanted just to stop having to think and just be …. and I did not recognise the signs in myself .. “not me, I’m far to strong to suffer from depression” … how wrong I was … thankfully, some wonderful friends gave me the time, support and peace for me to heal myself … it took a good 18 months for me to feel better in myself .. and a further 6 of medication before I felt strong enough and confident enough to “go it alone” without the help of any wee tablets.

Funny enough .. life started getting brighter for me when the decision to close my old business was finally made.  It was sad, it was a huge blow to my pride … but it was a huge weight off my shoulders… and life began to turn around.

I was lucky, my depression was not as severe as some, I had no thoughts of suicide or self harm … I simply could not find happiness or joy in anything.. I just wanted to disappear for a while … and the numb feeling was like being a dead woman walking.

I am more confident now that the episode of Depression I had will not return, although for a long time I did fear it .. my life is very different and although I get “feckin angry” at stuff that I perceive to be incompetence (let’s not mention Santander!) … it is very different now .. instead of sitting worrying and stressing over things, I simply say it as it is or sort them out .. no excuses or bullshit accepted… and I find that for me (as a natural worrier!) that this seems to work much better … it may not make me popular .. but it certainly stops me from stressing.

I know I am lucky, I did eventually find my peace and to me that is more important than a huge amount of money or a “flash” lifestyle .. I live simply, I spend time on my own and I enjoy it … I like being with me again.   My heart goes out to the deceased and the family I am working with at the moment … I understand much more about the deceased than I will ever say to them … but I will give the family a final goodbye that they will hopefully find to be the start of their healing … and I will let them say goodbye with dignity and honour to someone they loved, who sadly lost the battle to their demons.

Image from theminimalist.com

I often read posts or message about people searching for happiness.    Sadly, they are on a search that will last forever.

Happiness is not something we find in someone else, or a “thing” .. it comes from within us.   We will never be happy until we truly understand ourselves, our good points, our bad points and what we truly need from life.

For many years I chased the corporate dream of earning money, to be able to buy things that other’s admired and wanted.

Was I happy? .. Nope … did I end up stressing myself and becoming ill over it all? .. yep!

Over the last year or so, I have deliberately taken time out from dating anyone .. one because I didn’t feel I could afford to and did not want to be reliant on anyone but, two more importantly, to find out what it was I need from my life to make me happy.

Peace has always been up there, I have known that for a while.   I like a peaceful mind and a peaceful life and I do enjoy my own company.    But what about having someone in my life… I will be honest, there are times when I would just love to cuddle up and lie in peace and quiet with someone.  It is not based around sex, it is based around feeling emotionally close to someone .. and that is something that I truly have not felt with anyone for many years.

I have had relationships where this vital “thing” for me was missing .. and these relationships have not lasted and quite frankly I should have known they wouldn’t last .. and perhaps subconsciously I did, but sometimes ego gets in the way of common sense.

I have had bad times in my life, I’ve lost a business, my home and my own self respect .. and I’ve fought back (more than once!) to gain pride for myself.   I can lose in spectacular fashion, but there is this wee thing in me that just does not let me give up easily… I am a very determined woman.

I think the realisation that I am not, and never will be, perfect was a good starting point to finding my own happiness.   I cannot change what other people think or feel about me, and it took me a good wee while to realise that.

In the end I simply decided to let go of what doesn’t matter and concentrate on what does matter.   I may not always be right in my choices.. but they are MY choices and I will stand or fall by them.

Tonight, as I sit thinking about what I have, I realise how lucky I am … I have my peace, I have a job that I love, I have my furbabies that I also love.. even if they do drive me mad at times! … and I know that I have wonderful friends ..  I have a happy life .. and I know that is a privilege and not a right.

I am no longer looking for happiness .. I already have it … perhaps now is the time for me to take a deep breath and share it …

It is a wonderful and glorious thing to celebrate our differences.    We, as humans, are all very unique, we have our own foibles, our own wee imperfections that make us the perfect combination of ugliness and beauty.

We all need different things from life, some need fame and fortune, some need a child, some need peace and quiet and some need attention.

This is where the problems begin.

There is nothing wrong with any of the above “needs”, not a thing, as long as they are kept to a balance.

Out of all of them the attention seekers are normally the most unhappy.   They will say and do anything to get attention and playing the victims of their own drama is like an addiction to them … they NEED to feel hard done by, they NEED to feel they are not to blame,  they NEED to blame someone else.

In reality their unhappiness is usually of their own doing.   Their self centred look on the world can cause chaos to other people, but they don’t care .. they blindly march on, desperately seeking the little thrill of excitement when they get the reaction they want.

These are also the people to be pitied.   Happiness will always be the next bit of attention, the next compliment and in the real world that doesn’t happen every day.    Love and happiness are not built on words that are easily said and hard to live by.. Love and happiness are the boring bits, the day to day stuff, the non exciting crap that goes on in our lives every day … and when you find someone who still wants to hold you when you have bed hair and your dinner spilt down your shirt then you have it … You will not find love behind a compliment … you find it behind the disagreements, the arguments and the anger … you find it in YOURSELF to act responsibly and by taking someone else’s feelings into consideration.

You find it by growing up.

My first post of 2015.   Slightly delayed due to me a wee bit under the weather over New Year … I had that awful chesty, coughy, lurgy thing that was going around and although it had mainly cleared up by New Year, it left me feeling totally wiped out.    I was in bed by 9.30pm!  and apart from a brief visit to my mums for lunch the following day I spent the rest of the day lying on the sofa snoozing or watching Netflix!   Next year I am doing New Year in style!!

However not all is lost … my friend Barbara Anne was on call over New Year .. so we have decided to have our own New Year sometime soon!

The year has started off gently for me … and I don’t mind that .. I am hoping the whole year will continue in the same vein (apart from me feeling under the weather!) … a nice peaceful year with no hassle sounds like heaven to me!   It would be lovely if it turns out like that!

Today I was back at work, I had a family to visit and it turns out it was a bit of a coincidence .. the lady who died was just 2 years older than me .. and her best friend was with the family.  It turns out when she was young she used to visit her grandparents in the village, who were friends with MY grandparents .. the pair of us (and the lady who died) used to run around the fields and byres together at the farm my Gran was in charge of …  I only have a vague memory as I was only about 7 or 8 at the time .. but I do remember them … life has a funny way of doing full circle at times!

In my job I am very privileged to meet some lovely families and hear their very personal stories .. there are a lot of people out there who are “forgotten heroes” .. the quiet home makers, who raised their children with love and respect and taught them the meaning of the words .. the hero dad’s and grandfathers who fought in the war .. or who worked hard to provide for their families… and the sad stories .. of lives cut tragically short, or lives where unhappiness has been the major factor… but all these stories are fascinating and true .. the good and  the bad bits .. a true life, lived in a true way.

Isn’t that a wonderful tribute in itself!

Well … the last day of 2014 … and as the bells go tonight I will wave a sorry goodbye to this year.

For me it has been a lovely wee year, I have loved watching my wee business grow, and although at times there is still a quiet week, there are other weeks when I am very busy .. so I can’t complain about that!

I have had a little bit of back biting from some people … but, although it angered me, in the end I realised that it would make no difference what I done, that would continue.  The problem lies with them and their own little jealousy’s and pettiness.  So be it … I can’t change that .. and to be honest, I have better things to do than worry too much about them.  I shall just do my thing and let them fester.

My personal life has been curtailed a bit … although I have been busier, being a single woman, living on my own, my main priority has been to pay my bills .. and unexpectedly having to get a new car this this (my old one died a slow lingering death, but I loved it!) … however.. I love my new wee hippo (and it does look like a hippo!) … and I hope we have many years of me cursing at other drivers together!

My love life …. well … nothing to be said there …. I have not been able to afford to date anyone… although … I have “met” someone very special to me .. but sadly my offers of visiting with a stethoscope and baby oil have been turned down .. and I do have to accept that we will be fabulous friends but nothing more.

My pets are fine .. no expensive vets visits all year .. which makes a lovely change .. Brae is getting to be an old lady now .. 11 years old and gets cuter every year, she really is a wee darling of a dog and enjoys her “shared” ownership with my mum … as when I go to visit families or to take funerals/weddings then she goes to stay with my mum … who then stuffs her full of steak and chicken and other such like… my mum has even bought her a really big posh dog bed!    I sometimes think that Brae would prefer to stay there!

Bo and Jilly still hate each other … but they both go looking for each other … I think really they love each other .. one of those “love you but hate you” relationships.    Bo still cuddles me .. and after owning Jilly for around a year and a half she does come to me now … I think she has accepted I am her food slave … and perhaps so have I!

My family are all very well .. my Mum is still an auld bugger, who makes me laugh and, sometimes, grind my teeth, but I wouldn’t have her any other way… we had a lovely family holiday in Portsoy earlier this year, catching up with relatives from up north that we hadn’t seen for a while.. and I really enjoyed it.

WRAC Fort William was a blast .. my lovely, lovely friend Abby came along with her son .. and we had a hoot .. for someone who is not an ex army girly, Abby fitted right in! … so much so that she has already demanded she comes to FW2016! … we are not having a FW reunion in 2015 due to the grand reunion which will be held in Harrogate in March … which sadly I am not able to afford to go to .. but I am off for 5 days to Benidorm with a group of other ex army girls in May … that will be a hoot and a half! … and sun … ohhhhhh I have missed not having any sun this year … although my holiday to Egypt in December 2013 with my fabulous friend Sharon was great fun … just what the doctor ordered … and we even survived the “Vatered down Wodka” … and Sharon’s dance of the 7 veils!

I have also started Slimming World … and doing very well (apart from a wee slip up over Christmas!) … I am aiming to lose 4 stone .. mainly to help my back that has been a bit of a bugger at times … even just losing nearly a stone seems to have helped it .. so I am hoping in the next few months I may stop moaning about the bliddy thing!

I have found a lot of peace in solitude this year …partly forced on me because of lack of funds to go socialising .. but partly by choice too … I like being alone .. I also like seeing my friends … but I am very comfortable and enjoy the peace I find when I come in, close my door and find the peace that allows me to think …

It has been lovely to see so many of my close friends find happiness this year … Meg and Sharon being just two .. and I hope that the many others who have found new relationships and even in the case of Sue and Dawn had a wedding that 2015 brings them much more happiness.

On the flip side I have watched some friends tear each other apart.  It has not been pretty and has been sad to watch.   I hope that all of them find peace and perhaps some reconciliation in the year to come.

I have also seen my friend Barbara Anne lose both her parents within a few months of each other.   I was honoured to be asked to take both their funerals and both were hard for me … I knew her parents, and they were both very lovely people.  I know BA has not yet found her peace or acceptance of this … and I hope in 2015 she does.

2013 was a tough year for me .. and I made no secret about it on my blog.   2014 has been much more gentle .. and I have a feeling that 2015 is going to be great …  I am not making any “resolutions” … I am already on track doing what I want to change .. but I am going to socialise a little more … and you never know .. maybe some idiot will be stupid enough to fall for my stethoscope and baby oil line … although to be fair … I can’t be arsed with finding anything casual now .. my life is lovely as it is and I certainly won’t complain if it stays like this.

Happy New Year everyone … and remember, the only thing that stops you getting what you want, is you!

Me and my friend Barbara Anne .. our friendship goes back 40 years .. she winges to me about men .. and I winge to her about women!

Christmas, perhaps the most poignant day of the year, can be a day when many people reflect on what was,  what if or what is.

“What was” is a destructive thought … it destroys your happiness and your peace.

“What if” can be a glimmer of hope, a throb of excitement .. a pipe dream, not yet achieved, and not yet a reality.

“What is” is now.. what you love.. what you have.

Today, I hope you find the greatest gift of all .. peace … to achieve this you have to appreciate what is .. the courage to go after your dreams .. and the realisation that what was, is just that .. your past… that you cannot allow to destroy your future.

Today as you raise a glass, toast yourself, to who you are .. to what you want from life .. the important things, not the material things … and I hope that you find what you really want.

Have a great Christmas … have a great life x

Some crave money, some crave love.

I crave peace and quiet.

Don’t get me wrong .. I love meeting up with friends and having a drink and a good old laugh (usually very loudly!) but .. where I am at my happiest is when I am at home.

Tonight it is cold outside, I have a loud, crackling fire burning away .. Jilly, one of my cats, on the sofa and Brae, my dog, on the chair.   So far all is peaceful and quiet .. although Bo is outside .. no doubt hunting .. here’s hoping she doesn’t a live mouse in!

Wherever you are tonight, whatever your pain.  I wish you the peace and calm that I have tonight.