This Christmas I wish for you to give yourself the best gift you can … peace of mind.
Infinity
December 24, 2013
regular christmas, infinity, love, 1 Comment
If I could have one Christmas wish,
it would be be wake up to you,
to read the silent words that are held in your eyes,
to touch your face and softly kiss your lips.
You may not be my destiny
but you are my infinity
The many faces of CJ
December 23, 2013
Sharon, my wonderful (drunk!) buddy and me!!
Today for a laugh I suggested on my facebook page that my friends should change their profile picture to a picture of me in honour of my birthday on Christmas day … many did … with hilarious results … I have laughed and laughed until diet coke came down my nose! … thank you ladies .. you have made me very happy .. and my sides are hurting now!!
Look inside …..
December 23, 2013
regular inside, peace 2 Comments
All of us feel under pressure to live up to expectations at times.
I certainly did, perhaps because I am one of those people who suffer from guilt and responsibility. A good thing, yes, sometimes but sometimes a burden that is hard to shake off.
I am no longer young, I am no longer the person I was 20 or even 5 years ago. I have changed, slowly… and it was something that took me a long time to accept.
I grew tired. Tired of fighting battles, tired of stress, tired of not being heard and tired of being the person who was always expected to laugh. So I made a decision (party forced on me because of stress), but it was a decision, to become who I wanted to be, To stop the pretence and just become.
I no longer put up with crap, I do not put up with liars or troublemakers and I only have people in my life that I want in my life .. whether they be close friends or on the outskirts.
I look back on the person I used to be and know I made mistakes, but I will continue to make mistakes, I am human and mistakes are part of our growing and becoming, but without these mistakes I would not be in the position or the person I am now. So I am grateful.
I am under no illusion that everyone will like the new me … hell some people didn’t like the old me! .. but what the heck … I am old enough and wise enough to know that I cannot please everyone, so I won’t bother … those that like me, like me.. those that don’t .. well .. they don’t deserve me anyway! *grin*
I have now found my place of peace, not just in a physical location but in an emotional and mental state and I am happy.
I have also discovered that I no longer fear some of the things I used to fear .. being lonely .. I am not lonely, not being loved .. I am loved more than I ever have been and I know that the feeling of being the only person in the world that thought the way I did was a myth of my own making.
I do know that many of us are fighting battles within at the moment. It is a turbulent and troublesome time and I wish I could take it all away and give you peace. I can’t .. this is something you have to find from within, but I wish with all my heart you find your peace.
Always remember you are not alone. Someone always cares.
Have a peaceful and fun festive period x
On this journey (that was party forced on me because of stress)
How depression ruins relationships
December 22, 2013
For those of us who have tried (and failed) to explain what depression is like to someone who doesn’t understand … for my part it was a new experience for me … I didn’t feel it come on me as it happened over a very long time .. slowly .. slowly .. slowly … there were days when the highs made me feel great .. but mostly I just felt nothing … read this … you are not alone.
because of you …
December 22, 2013
Because of you ….
My world is a better place.
I love you without doubt.
Without fear.
With a peace that reaches to my soul.
I love you.
Always.
A hard lesson to learn …
December 21, 2013
regular bitter, break up, love, 2 Comments
There are things in life that we all must learn.
The most important of which is that you cannot make someone love you.
It does not matter what you feel, love either happens, or it does not.
Sometimes you have to accept that you cannot give the object of your affection the one thing they need to fall in love with you. Sometimes you have to accept that whoever they fall for, can … it is not a failing on your part, it is simply life.
This “thing” cannot be bought, cannot be found .. it just exists. It is a meeting of souls, an instant happiness of knowing that there is someone else in the world who thinks, feels and has the same values in life we have.
To be angry or bitter does not make you a big person. It makes you a fool. A shallow, immature, stupid fool.
When you love someone, and I mean really love someone, you want the best for them, whether or not you can have them in your arms.
You want them to blossom, to feel loved and to love and to feel happy and at peace.
Insulting or trying to discredit someone who has done nothing but simply fall in love with someone who is not you is something beyond me … accept it …and look inside yourself.
I have a couple of friends at the moment who are on the receiving end of bitter women and both of these women have done nothing wrong. They simply lived their life honestly and one has now found what has eluded her for so long and I am so happy for them. It is something they both deserve.
Break up’s are not easy to deal with, someone always gets hurt ..BUT .. ask yourself this .. do you hate the person you are angry with .. or do you still care. Do you want them to disappear off the edge of the world or do you want them to be happy. If you do not want someone to be happy in their life then that say’s so much more about you than I ever can.
Let people love, let them be happy let your bitterness go.
Striking a chord
December 20, 2013
My good pal Radders posted this tonight in a group for ex army girls that I am in and it really struck a chord with me.
We cannot go back to the past .. neither should we want to … I certainly don’t .. the past is the past and I cannot change what has happened to me … or what I have done.
In all honesty I do not want to … we all grow as people, we (hopefully!) learn from mistakes.. we grow .. we change .. we become.
My life has been through major changes … and I’m glad of them .. I regret nothing, there is no point in regret.
My slate has been wiped clean. What the next chapter of my life holds, I have no idea … and that excites me… I no longer exist .. I live .. I have started again and my ending has yet to be written!
A surprising result
December 19, 2013
I have always considered myself to be an extrovert .. I am not shy … I enjoy being in the company of my friends laughing and fooling around … I enjoy people’s company …BUT … I also have a real need for time on my own … I came across a blog that lists 11 signs of being an introvert … I am definitely 10 of them (the last one is not that accurate as I do tend to step up and take the lead) ….
1. You Enjoy Solitude
2. Dislike Small-talk, but enjoy in-depth conversations about topics that interest you.
3. People Say You Are A Good Listener
4. You like to think about and choose your words carefully before speaking
5. Dislike Conflict
6. You prefer to work alone and without interruptions
7. When stressed or need to recharge, you spend a few days alone by yourself.
8. Often express yourself through writing
9. People describe you as “soft-spoken” or “mellow”
10. You like people, just not all the time
11. You don’t normally like to take the lead, but will step up when no one else will.
It is funny how others see us …. today I was called “brave” by someone … I am not brave .. I know over the last year I have had to change my life completely .. partly through choice and partly forced on me. It was perhaps what I needed. I was stale, my life was stale.
Now I have my new life .. and I am genuinely happy … I have a new business that I absolutely love and I am learning things again … my brain feels as if has been sparked back into life.
As I sit here tonight, my coal fire burning, my dog and 2 cats snoozing away, I realise how lucky I am to have the life I have eventually found. It has taken me a long, long time to get here, a lot of stress, a lot of heartbreak and a lot of confused feelings .. but I wouldn’t change anything .. not a thing … I am now who I am meant to be … I feel secure for the first time in years .. and this has given me a whole new outlook on a lot of things.
I have no drama in my life … no pressure… my new business is growing every week and I have the most wonderful friends who understand me … and love me for exactly who I am.
I have had a bit of strange year … but in a lot of ways a good year … bring on 2014 … I am ready …
Brae. A gay woman's tale! 