Brae. A gay woman's tale!

The menopause is a funny old thing … I have friends going through it right now.

Luckily for me I had an early menopause .. no great hassles with hot sweats and stuff and apart from a couple of years where it was a bit annoying it passed easily.    Or so I thought.

I was speaking to a friend last night who told me how tired and stressed she was feeling, she couldn’t pin it down to anything in particular but did blame it on her business but it did get me thinking….

Perhaps at this age (both of us are 52) we are now feeling the effects of our middle age .. the so called “middle age” crisis has kicked in (although if that is the case then I am thankfully out of the other side). 

I have had one or two strange thoughts… like getting a tattoo … like disappearing to foreign country to live … all very “not me” ….  thankfully I spent my “tattoo money” on decorating my living room .. however I do still have this little irk to live abroad.   A nice warm country, where I can faff around and be a bit of a grumpy auld woman and wear socks with sandals etc!!  *smile*

The last couple of years have been tough .. I have been very “out of sorts” with myself .. and my need for peace and relaxation have been at desperate levels .. perhaps it is not all about stress.. perhaps my middle age has something to do with my life choices and feelings .. or perhaps I am just a little bit mad and eccentric!

Who knows … let’s wait and see what happens next!

We all face battles at times but the hardest battle we fight is within ourselves.    I am a born fighter, I fight for what I believe in, I fight for what I think is right, I do not roll over and give up easily.   This is not always a good thing, sometimes I need to realise that I cannot win every battle, sometimes I have to learn that the best thing to do is nothing.

I have fought a hard battle over the past couple of years, actually if I am honest, for longer time than that.  I had lost touch with something very important, occasionally managing to find it, but I couldn’t keep it, it was like trying to hold a handful of water.

I am a woman who take responsibility very seriously, it is just an inherent part of me, which again is a good thing, but sometimes I allow it to rule me.   I get annoyed with myself, frustrated, angry when I cannot do what I want to do, when I cannot feel what I want to feel.

I am a woman who needs peace and quiet, needs time to think and mentally relax, without my peace I cannot do that and I lose myself.

I am a clown, a fun loving laugh a minute person, to everyone who knows me.   The few who really know me know that I am much deeper than that.   I seem open but I am not, I keep my fears, my doubts, my lack of confidence inside me, my humour is my armour and it works well.

I have a lot of wonderful friends, dear close and loving friends who I would do anything for but I have one special friend that has touched the very soul of me, the part of me that I thought had died and I am so grateful for her being my “soul mate” … the person I can just look at and know we share a soul, we just understand each other, accept our differences and want the very best for each other in life and love.

I have found my soul again, my ability to feel deeply … it is the best gift anyone has ever given me.

I am ready now … let destiny play it’s part …